AIBU to want a wedding ceremony without making the marriage legal?

[Interaillingmum]

I am a single mum of a DD and my partner of 4 years is a full time single dad of twin DDs.

I earn more than double his salary. He cooks and does other things that I am terrible at! He's not fussed about marriage but I've always wanted to be married since I was a little girl. Im religious and marriage for me means I would like to take vows on our union, have it blessed and celebrate with loved ones. He is willing to do this.

I've been in a relationship that traumatised me in the past. I've built up everything I have now from scratch and even though I have love and stability in my relationship I know that things can change. I would hate to risk that.

If anything happens to me I want my assets to go to my DD without question. Inheritance my DD. If anything were to sour our relationship id want to separate without a lengthy legal battle. I'd want what's his to go to his DDS if anything happened vice versa.

Marriage provides me with no legal protection and would put me in a worse position for protecting my funds and my DDs future but I do want to have the wedding and make a commitment to this man.

Aibu to have our wedding but not follow it up with a legal registry?

It's a bit of a nonsense though. What commitment would you be entering into that you don't have already? Marriage would form a legal contract, which you want to avoid. A non legal ceremony seems to add nothing to what you already have. Reminds me of Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall's "wedding" in Bali. When they came to be divorced she discovered it had never been a legal ceremony but rather something Mick had arranged to shut her up about getting married. Saved him a fortune by protecting his assets I suppose.

But is your partner really happy with having a fake wedding to celebrate your "committed" relationship whilst you withhold the actual commitment of marriage? Don't get me wrong, I completely understand why legal marriage isn't right for you. But a pretend wedding just seems silly and show-offy.

You mention being religious. Which religion? If it's Christian I doubt very much a vicar/priest would do a blessing ceremony for a couple who aren't legally married and have no intention of being so. If you're Muslim you can have a nikkah ceremony. Someone upthread has suggested a Handfasting. I know a couple who had one of these - it's not legally binding and it's "for as long as you love each other" rather than forever so once you don't you are free to part ways with no "undoing". It is pagan though, which may not appeal.

Could you get your relationship blessed in a marriage like religious ceremony, I think vicars did do this for gay couples when they couldn't legally marry.

I personally wouldn’t attend a fake wedding because that’s all it’s going to be.

either get married or don’t.

i personally would be upset to be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t willing to get married, make me think you don’t trust him.

O

We cannot bless a “marriage” in a c of e unless it’s registered in advance. We can either do a full wedding or a blessing of an existing civil
union.

It all seems very distasteful.
Fake wedding, fake marriage, fake commitment….
just book a party to celebrate your relationship and get up on the stage and have a friend perform some speech where she declares you boyfriend and girlfriend and financially independent of each other …

What you need is a very detailed will that will cost a fair bit. Then have the lovely ceremony that you want.

If I understand you correctly you want a pretty dress and a party?

Just make sure it is very very clear to guests that It is a pretend wedding. I’d be furious if I spent time, energy and money on a pretend wedding, I’d prefer to have the option to decline the invitation. .

Either you trust him enough to get married or you don't.

If you don't -

1. Get married and agree a good prenup with a lawyer
2. Celebrate 5 years (or whatever) together with a big party

Sure, have a blessing / religious ceremony without the civil part, if the religious clergy involved allow.

Plenty of people do this in the UK and there are places around the world where religious ceremonies are entirely separate from the civil part. The UK making it possible to do both together doesn't mean it needs to be.

My DH and I eloped to get the civil part done because that's what mattered to us. I know other people who have done religious ceremonies and blessing because that's what mattered to them, but didn't want or were not able to the get the government involved as well at the time.

All the ones I know did have very simple ceremonies though and people were aware - I do think as shown on this thread that culturally just doing a religious ceremony does largely mean that putting extra expenses and obligations onto guests as seen more often when it's both will be seen as inappropriate.

If you're religious, I imagine those commitments, obligations and rituals likely matter more than the civil parts, though as PP have said, I'd still ensure you both have all the legal paperwork to protect yourselves as we don't know entirely how the government's messing around with people having the choice in this is going to play out.

You might as well just tell each other "I promise to stay with you for as long as both of us wants to be together...", because "vows" in a marriage - especially a Christian one (you say you're religious so I'll assume Christian unless you tell us otherwise) - make it very clear that it's 'no matter what happens'.

The "for richer, for poorer" bit is there for a reason.

Have whatever party you like.

But don't expect people to treat it like a real wedding - don't expect presents or for them to take annual leave for it.

It's really just an indulgence for you, to fulfil something you want - not the actual real legal commitment of marriage.

"I want to play dress up but I want guests to come along as if I mean it"

Is that what you mean, OP? All the bridal shiz with none of the lifelong commitment?

I understand your desire to ensure your assets pass to your DC however unless your level of assets is low, you are risking an unnecessary IHT bill.

If protection of assets is your primary aim, get married/CP and then draw up wills reflecting your wishes. This effectively gives you far greater inheritance options as a couple whereas as a single person your limit is low and as soon as you die IHT is due unlike if your spouse outlives you.

FWIW I’m doing the precise opposite of you despite having the same aims. I wish to protect my DS inheritance so am getting married to counteract April 2027 IHT changes to pensions. This will mean DS will inherit several £100,000’s more than if I wasn’t married.

We’re doing it in a lunch hour and it costs £62. We’re telling nobody either before or after as it is purely a personal financial matter.

To legally marry someone a person has to have been given that legal right by someone who licences registrars. In the C of E, I believe that is given with ordination so they all have it, therefore a "marriage" would automatically be a legal marriage. However in other Christian denominations this may not be the case.

I would be very hesitant about blessing a relationship between to people, where one doesn't trust the other to respect their wishes after their death though.

This is pretty easy to do, you can have a celebrant to do the ceremony. We had one for our wedding and did the legal thing separately as we couldn’t get them done on the same day. We didn’t tell guests and most of them were unaware it wasn’t the legal ceremony in any case. More freedom with what words are used, but can keep the traditional wording as much as you want.
i wouldn’t tell anyone though it wasn’t the real deal.

I'm sure you are aware that there are moves afoot to ensure that cohabitants (unmarried) will be entitled to supports etc. from their partner in the event of separation or death. I'm not fully up to speed on the proposals, I'm just flagging it.

So if the new law is passed will it matter if you are married or not? I think it only applies to cohabitants so you might need to have separate homes in order for you to protect your assets!

Someone else might know the ins and outs of it, don't quote me but be aware.

His lack of inheritance is down to a failure of estate planning.

Can you write your own vows?

"I commit to you totally, but only for richer, for better and in health...but all the negative possibilities can get in the bin and will render this null and void."

The whole point of marriage is that it's all-in, and it's all about accepting your rights and your responsibilities - give and take. Most contracts are like this; you can't get a mortgage from the bank that guarantees they will give you the money you need to buy a house that will remain legally yours in perpetuity, but if you later find that you can think of much more exciting things to do with your money each month instead, rather than repaying what you borrowed, that's totally OK with everybody.

There's nothing to stop you from holding a celebration - call it a 'Commitment Party' or something - and invite your friends and make speeches and promises (with or without caveats); but the word 'wedding' is already taken and universally understood to mean something very different from what you're wanting. People will naturally believe that you've deliberately deceived them, if they find out your true intentions; they may also wonder if you're looking to commit fraud and report you to the authorities... and I'm guessing a whole lot of stern-looking police officers turning up is probably not the vibe you're hoping for...

It would be as bizarre as inviting everybody to a 'baby shower' when you aren't pregnant and have firmly decided that you never want kids; or to a 'funeral' of somebody who is alive and well.

If the genders were reversed I suspect the replies would be a lot more critical.

We had a secular ceremony. Non legal but the celebrant would/could (not sure which) only do it if we did the legal bits beforehand. Which wasnt an issue for us as thats what we wanted.

What youre wanting is a party and celebration. Wait until a milestone birthday or anniversary, but dont pretend its a wedding if its not.

@UnexpectedlysinglemumThis means that unmarried couples will have the same rights as married couples. So yes, the op needs to be aware of that. Getting a legal agreement regarding rights and responsibilities within the partnership will be paramount. The party could just celebrate 5 years together, but the best solution to keeping what’s “yours” is a legal agreement defining exactly what that means.

Yes, this is what it sounds like. It's ironic that what marriage actually legally involves is quite a simple and non-expensive process; however culture and tradition have grown to the point that so many people expect a whole load of elaborate and expensive symbolic add-ons as standard... which is totally fine... except in OP's case, it seems like she wants all of those elaborate and lovely, but ultimately frivolous, accoutrements, but dropping the actual essential core of what the marriage is!

Buy an eternity ring and have a party where committed to each other? You can dress this up however you like if want.

If you are religious, being married is part of that - not a pretend marriage?

I'm going to repeat myself and say that cohabitees who look as if they're married to the state are - if this bloody government decides to do it and I must stress I'm completely against it-are set to get rights of each other's assets after 3 years cohabitation.

If you really, really wish to protect your assets, which I 💯 think is reasonable of you, instead of thinking about (in my opinion) daft fake weddings you'd do best to ask him to leave before these daft cohabitee rights come in.

Certainly getting 'married' in a ceremony-legit or not-will not help your case.

What I don't understand is that you acknowledge how relationships can go sour!