AIBU to want a wedding ceremony without making the marriage legal?

[Interaillingmum]

I am a single mum of a DD and my partner of 4 years is a full time single dad of twin DDs.

I earn more than double his salary. He cooks and does other things that I am terrible at! He's not fussed about marriage but I've always wanted to be married since I was a little girl. Im religious and marriage for me means I would like to take vows on our union, have it blessed and celebrate with loved ones. He is willing to do this.

I've been in a relationship that traumatised me in the past. I've built up everything I have now from scratch and even though I have love and stability in my relationship I know that things can change. I would hate to risk that.

If anything happens to me I want my assets to go to my DD without question. Inheritance my DD. If anything were to sour our relationship id want to separate without a lengthy legal battle. I'd want what's his to go to his DDS if anything happened vice versa.

Marriage provides me with no legal protection and would put me in a worse position for protecting my funds and my DDs future but I do want to have the wedding and make a commitment to this man.

Aibu to have our wedding but not follow it up with a legal registry?

So you actually are properly married then. Unlike OP who won't be.

And I didn't say she couldn't have half a marriage ceremony as she can do what she likes, only that when she asks other people's opinions on it she may just get them.

I think the law is changing anyhow for people who’ve been together and live together over a certain time. I saw somewhere that unmarried people are getting similar rights from next year.

What you want is a contradiction in terms. A wedding ceremony is a pledging of your troth, making your vows to your partner in front of your friends and families as witnesses to the promises you make.

It would just be an empty sham.

So you wouldn't help a long term partner of your sibling etc because they never got married

What on earth would be the point in this????

Taking a man's name at marriage is not a benefit!

It’s a proposal that was put to consultation over the summer. The findings will be put in to the proposed legislation and it will then be put before Parliament. As yet there isn’t any time scheduled for this.

@Needmorelego , vicars are not registrars.

Where did you get that from? I'd help them! But I'd be doing it making assumptions about their marital status that weren't true:
'Oh well at least you've got legal rights as you're married. You'll inherit even if they didn't make a will. '

'Actually I'm not... '

i was a guest at a non wedding last year. The bride and groom had, for various logistical reasons been unable to organise the intended trip to the local registry office, which they were going to quietly do the paperwork/ legal bit in advance of the ceremony.

For the fake wedding,. I had to take a day off work, travel to another country/ pay 3 nights accommodation, find childcare for the kids etc etc.

whilst it was an absolutely lovely day in a wonderful location, it was an expensive hassle, all for …. Well what actually.

its over a year later now. They still aren’t legally married as they have badly fallen out with one of the best men who was intended to be their civil ceremony witness. The bride has had burn out at work, possibly exacerbated by a post-wedding come down. It’s all very odd.

As an invitee, I just look back at it and think ‘what was the point of that?’

So you want to put on a play where you pretend to get married, then have a party? Are you hoping for gifts? Certainly different.

@Interaillingmum They are taken as what the couple intended in a divorce. If your partner has separate money then he gets to write his pre nup too. It’s then clear what you both intend. However if he suddenly has a ludicrously successful business and makes £ millions, it’s not going to you. This is why most people trust each other and share. However, once burned etc - so just have a 5 year party. Dont pretend to commit if your heart isn’t in it.

I'm not sure that there are many Christian denominations where a minister will be keen on blessing a relationship where marriage actually doesn't exist and where there is no intention for it to, it kind of goes against the fundamental principles. Blessings for gay relationships very different as there were no other options at one point.

Thank you! I do think it sounds quite lovely

I trust us to make a joint decision now for our future, and what would happen if we split or if one of us passed away.

I can only trust him now. Grief, money both gain and loss, relationships, circumstances can make people behave in unpredictable ways. That's the unfortunate truth.

I can't put my daughter's future at risk to protect a man. And I wouldn't expect him to do so for me at the detriment of my step daughters either.

Work with a good celebrant to create a commitment ceremony that is what you want.

If you know your reasons for not marrying and still want to celebrate your love, you can create a beautiful ceremony.

@Interaillingmum would you invite guests? The majority of which wouldn’t be best please to spend hundreds of pounds on outfits, travel and gifts for a non-wedding or even if you sold it to them as a ‘day to celebrate us’.

They’ll be down lots of money, for absolutely zero change to your relationship.

It really is a silly idea. Just don’t get married and stay as you are.

Every wedding ceremony is an unnecessary pricey party though. Very few weddings actually include the legal element unless they’re done in a church. If you’re having a wedding in a barn or a stately home etc it’s unlikely it’s legally binding so you’ve probably had to go to the register office beforehand. OP I see absolutely no issue with what you’re proposing, you’ve clearly given it a lot of thought so if it works for you, go for it.

You're either married or your not.

You want to dress up as a bride, but not actually be a bride.

It sounds like make believe and pretence IMO.

Would you tell the guests it's not a real wedding? How do you word the invitations?

This.

But this is exactly what a wedding is. Wedding ceremonies are completely unnecessary, all you actually need is to sign the paper at the register office. If you love and care for someone and they invite you to a ceremony to celebrate their relationship, why would you care if it’s legally binding or not?

Make a watertight will and keep your assets separate.

I understand you wanting everything that's yours to go to her.

So just have a party then. And wear a white dress.

Yes I would invite my parents and his mum. Our children would be there. My siblings and my two closest friends. His closest friends also. It would be very small and we are both introverts so nothing attention seeking. I would be happy to pay for guest travel and have done for previous family events. I would encourage people not to buy anything new. The day would be celebration of us a committment and a core memory for our daughter's whichs gift enough

You literally said ‘You can't have half a marriage ceremony.’ in your first post ☺️ but yes of course everyone can offer their opinions, that’s what we’re all here for.

Yes I am ‘properly married’, but my husband and I got married in our mid twenties with no children from past relationships or past marriages, and we have built our life and wealth together and had our children together.

I’m a lawyer and I think the OP is being very sensible not to want a legal marriage. She is the highest earner, built her wealth independently and she has a child to protect. In her situation I would do the same. That doesn’t mean she and her partner shouldn’t get to celebrate and acknowledge being in a long term, committed relationship with friends and family like couples who are marrying do. And given many couples do separate the legal marriage from the blessing and celebration, like we did, there’s really no reason she can’t create the type of event and have celebration she wants.