AIBU to want a wedding ceremony without making the marriage legal?

[Interaillingmum]

I am a single mum of a DD and my partner of 4 years is a full time single dad of twin DDs.

I earn more than double his salary. He cooks and does other things that I am terrible at! He's not fussed about marriage but I've always wanted to be married since I was a little girl. Im religious and marriage for me means I would like to take vows on our union, have it blessed and celebrate with loved ones. He is willing to do this.

I've been in a relationship that traumatised me in the past. I've built up everything I have now from scratch and even though I have love and stability in my relationship I know that things can change. I would hate to risk that.

If anything happens to me I want my assets to go to my DD without question. Inheritance my DD. If anything were to sour our relationship id want to separate without a lengthy legal battle. I'd want what's his to go to his DDS if anything happened vice versa.

Marriage provides me with no legal protection and would put me in a worse position for protecting my funds and my DDs future but I do want to have the wedding and make a commitment to this man.

Aibu to have our wedding but not follow it up with a legal registry?

People saying "what's the point in a fake wedding" - for some people being married in the eyes of God is a stronger commitment than a legal civil service.
(not my opinion but some for religious people that's how they feel).

No.
Not the nikkah because it is not unusual for it to be a religious only ceremony. Made legally official later? I don't know.
It would be in highly, highly unusual in OP's case as she is a Christian.

I agree you can be committed to someone without it (or any ceremony) but Christian marriage (OP has confirmed that's her faith) is very heavily predicated on the whole sickness and in health, richer or poorer, all my worldly goods aspects, part of which she doesn't want.

It sounds like you just want a party and an excuse to dress up.

I actually agree with your reasoning to stay single but life can change. My colleague recently left her partner of 30 years. She always wanted to get married but he refused because he wanted to protect his assets. Well, he had a stroke and is now quite severely disabled. She said “if I’m not good enough to be his wife I can’t possibly be good enough to be his carer.” Irony - she’s a nurse by training.

No it sounds to me like she wants a religious figure of her religion to make her relationship sanctified under God. But without the legal side.

The commitment is the finances… it’s saying I’m willing to bet all my worldly goods on us being together forever and doing so will ensure we are more likely to work together and to repair so that we don’t have to risk those goods.

Without the legal and financial commitment it’s just a lot of pretty words.

@Sunbringer While conveniently forgetting the for richer, for poorer part of the Christian (that she says she is) marriage vows.

I also think that trust one's partner is a big part of it, too. Could be wrong.
Dont think that I am.

But that changes nothing about the legal status of the marriage, or “marriage” in the OPs case.

Yes but she doesn't want a legal marriage 🤔

Not sure why you're getting so much grief. It's your decision, I get your POV and don't see an issue with it. And if happily attend a wedding even if it wasn't the 'legal' one - what difference would that make to me?

But that’s demonstrably not true. It only works whilst everything is going well and until people want to get divorced. Then you find, as shown on here thousands of times, that the promises were made with fingers crossed behind their backs. That’s why you need a prenup. It forces you to talk through expectations.

It will come across as a bit sad and desperate. Getting married IS the commitment - in legal and religious terms. If you want to put on a floofy dress and proclaim your undying love for each other while an Elvis impersonator officiates, and have a party after, fill your boots. I think a lot of people wouldn’t be bothered though. It’s a lot to ask people to spend all that money on outfits, presents, hotels, taxis, and the like just for a fake wedding.

Prenups must be renewed every 5 years and after every major life change (children, income changes) or they’re considered outdated. The marriage contract supersedes them.

This is very disingenuous.

I know that cultural practices vary and yes people who get married in Nikkah ceremonies are married in their faith only and there's nothing weird about that at all. I understand that it's no reflection on their commitment. None whatsoever.

But if you're seriously trying to make out that people don't make the automatic assumption when they're attending Joe and Helen's (who just believe in 'something') wedding that they're legally wed, then that is just hogwash.
Of course they do! You are deeply unusual for thinking otherwise.

You go to witness the legal contract.

But at many weddings you aren’t witnessing that, unless the place they’re marrying is licensed to hold legal weddings and the person conducting it is an official registrar. Most big weddings these days, people do the registry office legal bit separately to the party.

How about on grounds of good taste? I think that's a good reason not to have a fake wedding.

Apologies for not wording it correctly.

I should have perhaps said, 'it is possible for a wedding to take part in two different locations at different times but without the legal bit it's not actually a marriage and as you appear to be of a Christian denomination born and raised in the UK people will find that weird as heck and just the teeniest bit cringe that you have no intention of ever doing the legal bit.

I’ve only been to church weddings and weddings at licensed venues.

The party (as you call it) and registry office formality go hand-in-hand and guests are there to celebrate the couple having got married.

If there’s no legal marriage then it’s just a party.

And I can’t imagine having a party for all friends and family to come celebrate my wonderful relationship, as it oozes relationship exhibitionism. And is simply a bit pathetic.

Seems a great idea to me. I'd argue you would be married, you'd have made the commitment and promises. Certainly you could use the term.

The bit that would be missing is the legal contract aspect which frankly is the risky bit of marriage and has bugger all to do with the relationship.

I think a lot more men would be willing to commit to marriage if you strip out the financial risk. (As, indeed would the OP, because that's exactly what she wants.)

I'm genuinely surprised the CofE hasn't spotted this gap in the market. I suspect a log of people want to be married in the eyes of "God" FWOABW but not in the eyes of the lawyers. The Nikkah concept sounds perfect for many.

Yeah, strictly speaking, marriage is a contract that both parties willingly enter into because they trust eachother. Most weddings say this in some way or another, often directly.

If you don't want the contract because you don't trust. That's fine. If you only want part of the contract, e.g. faithfulness, that's also fine. But at that point, it isn't marriage, it's something else. A partial commitment ceremony or something.

I'm also not quite understanding the difficulty. My FiL got married to his long term partner after 20 years or something. Her will was quite clear, and she went first. Everything passed to her children even though they were in their 50s. It never occurred to anyone to contest it, also a will like that is pretty bullet proof. Everyone knew the deal. No one cared.

So yeah, you can just have the ceremony, like Married at First Sight, without the contract. Was that your dream?

No worries! Personally I wouldn’t find it ‘fake’ or in bad taste if I was invited to this. I’d actually be really proud of my friend for taking good financial care of herself and her child, and I’d be happy to go and celebrate their relationship in the same way I would a friend getting legally married.

I think the best thing to do would be to make it clear on the invite that’s it’s not a legal marriage, but a religious one and celebration. That way the people who don’t like the idea can just decline the invite. In classic mn style -it’s an invite not a summons 😂

She doesn't even trust her dp for goodness sake.
I'm as cynical as it gets but even I recognise trust is an absolutely vital part of a successful relationship.
There is no commitment without trust. There cannot be.

Common sense dictates they stay as they are.
Or she chucks him out before the cohabitee rights bullshit comes in.

That's the sensible thing to do here, not arrange some naff, utterly cringeworthy fake wedding.

Why would a religious ceremony be naff? That doesn't follow.

Also, trust is nonsense, it's just an illusion that doesn't really exist, as so many of us have found out. Yes it feels nice, but that's all.

If I get into a new relationship, I'll do it wholeheartedly and for life, but I would safeguard my money going to my dcs.

Wanting a legal marriage also shows lack of trust. It means the couple think it might turn sour and don't trust each other to do the right thing in a split up.

Read the relationship forum? There are thousands of people who trusted their partner and judged it wrong.

By all means trust people but don't put yourself in a position where that trust can be betrayed.

Not that I accept the premise that trust is lacking here. Moreover I think someone saying "Trust me" is that biggest red flag ever.

At the risk of being boring, Christian marriage is not a series of nice words but really serious promises, made before God, if that is your belief system. See through the lovely dress and nice flowers and look at the words. It is unlikely OP will get the ceremony she wants in any Christian church, because what would the minister be blessing? Not actually being committed?

I am in no way against divorce and married in a registry office both times (widowed from first marriage) and feel marriage is about intent and execution rather than the 'big day'. That intent and execution has to involve a high degree of mutual trust and if you don't have that, no pretty ceremony of your own divising will be authentic.

Just have a nice party @Interaillingmum and don't play dress up of marriage. I can see where you're coming from having been burned before and in many ways don't blame you, but in your mindset I think a good solicitor to tie up the financials would serve you beter than playacting a marriage that actually isn't.