AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

It’s a massive lie and a huge violation of boundaries.

“She thought it would be fine. “

No, she didn’t. She knew it wasn’t fine but she thought she’d get away with it. Maybe she has before.
I’d put money on her giving you space (path of least resistance) but eventually popping up like nothing happened.

This is a bit weird, why do you feel more sorry for OP’s husband?

Both OP and her DH have had their trust broken and it’s possibly more painful for OP as it’s her own mum doing this, who knows the history with her step-sister.

She is unbelievable. Have you gone through your home and checked everything is still there? I’d be sorely tempted to tell your mum X and Y are missing and they’ll need to be replaced/returned pronto or you’ll be involving the police. Put the wind up her a bit. You must feel thoroughly violated. Your safe space has been invaded - they could have been through your private papers/underwear drawer/messed with your toothbrush. Anything! It’s just so grim to think other people have used your home and beds without a care. And facilitated by your own DM. It would be a long time before I ever saw her again. If at all. Is there a sensible aunt or uncle who could point out the error of her ways to her? Maybe someone else on her case would help?

I'm glad you've changed the locks and told her to leave you alone. She's been so disrespectful to you. Personally, I could never trust her again and would never let her into your house. I hope that whatever happens now, you know that you've done all the right things.

Gosh her lack of remorse would be it for me. It sounds as if she was backed into a corner and had to apologise, rather than actually being sorry.

I would go LC and accept that her respect for me and my home just isn't there.

It is a betrayal I couldn't overcome. Your M isn't who you thought she was OP.

Thanks for the update, OP. Your mum definitely knew about the camera & probably realised you'd sussed what she'd done otherwise why ignore your messages? She has no defence. She also could have asked you without going behind your back

Well done for not backing down when she tried to turn this on you OP. Great that your DH is in your corner and the locks have been changed.

It would have been one thing if she'd asked if a close friend could stay with her too, but to sneak in someone she knows you are no contact with is awful.

That said, I'd try not to let it ruin your relationship going forward. Still see each other, still have coffee or meals out, but sadly, in this area, you know she can't be trusted.

Would I ever let her stay again? Hmmm, maybe I'd soften after some time, but it would have some strict boundaries and with her knowing you'll be checking the cameras as she can't be trusted.

Did you say you only checked the cameras afterwards because of the state of the house and how it was left (it could have been trashed for all she knew)? I think that’s an important point, it’s not only that she’s lied and treated your house like her own holiday let, but it’s not like it was even left in a state where you would be none the wiser!

If she thought it would be okay why not mention who she was bringing?
Even without the cameras, it was patently clear more than one person had been in your home.
Lots of people have exterior security cameras now it’s hardly a new thing is it? And had she been alone those cameras would have been extra security for her. Had she stayed alone there would have been no reason to look at them.
She knows it’s her fault and she’s done the horrible thing of blaming you.
Seems a daughter who isn’t hers is more important than one who is.

Oh bless you.
Your Mother's response is very poor I feel. She knew you had cameras, but still brought the step-sister etc. to stay? I can't decide if she is arrogant or stupid.
I do hope you will have a relationship with her in the future but can understand that the trust is gone. Our Mother died 14 years ago and I still catch myself wanting to speak to her.

Sending love and hugs to you both.

I'm so sorry that she has responded in this way. By trying to deflect the blame onto your cameras which revealed her unacceptable behaviour, she is basically 'shooting the messenger' and refusing to accept any of the blame for her unbelievably awful behaviour. As far as you are concerned, she is just adding insult to injury.

I don't know why she is taking the side of your step-sister over her own daughter and this must be really hurtful to you. I presume that she has a history of putting her husband and his daughter first before you.

Where did they all sleep?

If they all thought you wouldn’t mind then why didn’t they leave you with at least a bottle of wine and some flowers as a thank you for the free holiday? And wash the sheets?

This is beyond hurtful. I bet SS is pretty smug this has ruined your relationship with your mum though.

oh this is awful! What a betrayal of your and your DH's trust. What a painful lesson for you, to know you can't even trust your own mum.

When did you get cameras installed? After the previous times DM has stayed? I wonder how many other times she's done this.

I just can't get over the fucking cheek of both your DM and your SS as they would have both known that SS wouldn't have been welcome in your home!

I would really struggle to come back from this but as others have said, SS will likely revel in the opportunity to drive a wedge so pick your battles...I guess you might be re-thinking plans for Christmas!!!

She’s not being truthful, probably because she doesn’t understand why you hate your step sister and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Does she often minimise your feelings? Surely she knows the cameras are there, unless they’re pinhole. It’s a huge betrayal, I’d be extremely upset.

Thanks for the update OP. Your Mum’s response is woefully inadequate. Clear she doesn’t appreciate the impact on your trust and confidence in her or the sense of betrayal you rightly feel. To try and bemoan your cameras is just insult to injury. Tone deaf.

Think what makes it worse is hearing all the efforts you went to, which you could have done without as also had to get ready for your holiday, in making her meals, getting her room ready, shopping for her favourites, offering her help yourself to wine etc which was kind and generous vs her using your home as an Air B&B without consent and presumably but for the cameras then being prepared to lie to you about it.

They needed a break is an absolutely pathetic retort. What’s your DH saying? You both have every right to feel hurt, let down and livid as it’s a deliberate violation.

Irrelevant though, because the OP didn’t want, or ask for, a house sitter. She was going to leave the house empty but her mum asked if she could stay there.

This! This really annoyed me, people started being like oh your poor husband! My MIL breaking my trust is not going to impact me anywhere near as much as my actual mum, why is it worse for her husband?!

I agree. Her putting blame on you and doubling down? Fuck that!

They would have had their beaks in all your stuff too and that is stomach turning.

I think I would dump for this. She knows you hate SS. This was a deliberate act. There's no way this was just a casual thing.

How could she do that to you, especially knowing how you feel about your sister. That is such a massive betrayal. I would feel so violated knowing someone who didn't like me had full access to my home for 5 days, staying in my bed, eating my food, rifling through my belongings, perhaps even taking little things, mocking me knowing she would never be invited and was able to do god knows what else.

I think I would feel physically sick. I am so sorry OP what an utterly horrendous thing, I can't believe your Mum did that to you. 😞

She isn't the person who you think she is. I would never trust her again and she would never be trusted to be alone in a room with any future children/pets etc. This really is appalling.

What an awful person your stepsister is. She went to stay in your house without you permission knowing you don’t like her. Tried to keep it a secret. No Thankyou. Absolutely disgusting. If your mum doesn’t come grovelling with a heartfelt apology and accept what she did was terrible I would go no contact.

Deffo your mum knows she has done wrong and why she is not answering calls, text and email. It was planned as she asked you if she could stay and not the other way round - that you asked her to house sit. I can't imagine my personal things be rummaged through, let alone they couldn't be bothered to clean and tidy up. I doubt you get a 'sorry' out of this from her or anyone to be honest. Yep, change the locks, may be decorate , change or move rooms, if needs be moved house and don't tell your in-laws where you live 😂

This is awful!

I agree with you about all the locks needing changing which is such a shame as like you say it will be expensive. Did your mum say who the other person was?

I would not trust my mum again in your shoes.

I missed the bit about another unknown to you person were also staying? Who was it!?

So they used three rooms to sleep in then.
I’d be SO pissed off. How dare she?!!