AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

OMG so sorry your mum has really let you down, was hoping there would be a better explanation. Just as well you had the cameras, tell your mum they are there for your home security which has now been breached by the one person you trusted the most in the world! Make her feel well and truly guilty, tell her she has disrespected your family and personal space, allowing a stranger and family you dont get on with to stay in your home unsupervised without your permission and you are very, very hurt. Hopefully she will repent and realise the affect it has had on you, rather than suggest you are at fault for spying on her !!

@Jane143 - it’s actually very easy….

SS - can we come with you and stay at OP’s?

mum - no, she wouldn’t like that! OR ‘I’ll ask her’ followed by she said no!

@WeFoundLove I am so sorry that she took this route of action when confronted. I think it proves that she has little to zero respect for you, your DH or your property.

I hope you found out the stranger's name and his place in this whole disrespect of your home. PLesse make sure you check everything. I had some people who had come into my home when I wasn't home and without my permission. It took a year before I discovered that something was missing. It was the only thing I had from my step-grandfather to remind me of him.

Again, very sorry that your trust was broken with someone so close to you.

Spying on her? It's your home, you can have cameras set up if you want and if the place is left like a pig sty then you're going to check them.

Deflection!!!

Your DM's response was very thin and would harden my resolve to keep her at a distance. I'm not sure I'd cut her off for good, but I wouldn't trust her over my threshold ever again, whether I was there or not. As a pp says, you wouldn't be able to turn your back without wondering if she'd make off with the teaspoons. A neutral place like a cafe would be more appropriate, safer for you and DH and it would tell your DM that she's not trusted. I think I'd wait till I was ready and if that means she spends a few months stewing in her own juice, then fair enough. People have suffered more for less.

Oh. That's not on. It sounds like you did a lovely thing for your mum, it was thoughtful and caring to prep that food and drink for her.

Reading the first half of your post I worried that maybe there was a memory issue at play and she's maybe not as able to look after herself and the house as well as she used to and forgot to message you about her leaving but it's clearly not the case.

Do you think maybe she's embarrassed as well about this betrayal of your trust?

It's bad that it's in your home. It's out of order to have anyone in your home who you'd not be OK visiting.

It feels really invasive for your step sister to have been inside your home without your knowledge or permission.

Please talk with your mum about it. Changing the locks sounds like a good idea. We've had to do this a few times for other reasons (children losing keys, workmen losing keys, damage to doors from someone kicking it in).

No sexism at all.
You are bending yourself out of shape trying to claim that.🙄

If it had been his mother that did this my sympathy would be even more for the OP.

OP's mother has made a total show of herself and her family with her low class behaviour of violating her daughter and SIL's house.
Such appalling disrespect of a home that is not hers.

Her husband has every right to not want her near his home again, as the OP would be entitled to feel if it was her MIL.

Her mother knew exactly what she was doing, and has tried to turn it on the OP and her husband, and their cameras.
CF.

She is an absolute disgrace.
I cannot believe such appalling behaviour is in isolation, or the first time their privacy has been invaded like this.

If this was reversed and her MIL, the OP would have every right to never have her in her home again.
I certainly wouldn't.

Sexism doesn't come into it and is some stretch.🙄

She obviously knew that you would know she'd invited all these people to stay because she avoided answering your calls after you got home. So presumably she hoped the cameras wouldn't pick them up, or wouldn''t work, or that you would simply accept what had happened and ignore it. Or something.

I would actually not want to see her again.

To be fair imagine the horror if it was a mother in law of a woman! There would be pitchforks.

What an absolute brass neck. If she didn't think that you would mind why then when she asked if she could stay did she not mention it? She didn't mention it precisely because she knew you would not agree. There's a big difference between having one person, your mother, staying and 4 staying even if you didn't dislike one and didn't know another. It is common courtesy and she was deliberately deceptive.
Trying to turn things around and talking about the cameras is not accepting any responsibility. The cameras are nothing to do with her . The cheek thinking you should mention the camera {even if you hadn't} when she didn't mention three full adults!

I would still keep in touch with my mother but if she ever asked to stay over alone again it would be a swift “no”.

Is there any chance this has happened in the past as well?

They could have done anything in your house after she had left. Is anything missing? If they had visited while she was there the whole time that would have been bad enough. Has she done it on purpose to cause a row, if she knew you have cameras? It's such an invasion of privacy I don't think I could get over it.

I'm not the person you're responding to but I don't understand your reasoning at all. It's very MY GOODNESS WHAT ABOUT THE HUSBAND THE POOR MAN. He's not even here, it's the OP posting and yet your focus is on him.

I'm not sure I could get past this. The thought of coming home and getting into my own bed not knowing a random person had slept in it would make me absolutely furious.

She has behaved disgustingly and her response to getting caught out is even worse.

Your mother has behaved terribly and you are rightly furious. Once you have calmed down I would write to her and explain how you had prepared meals, left snacks etc to treat her. But then, how hurt and violated you felt when you discover how she had broken your trust, allowing strangers and people you do not like to exploit your home, which she knew you would never have agreed to. I'd also send her a copy of the bill to have the locks changed.

I would confront her but without saying you know and see what she says...

Done and dusted.

Is the step sister the golden child?

You tried to leave special snacks & food etc & ensure your Mum had a nice time. So it sounds like you either had, formerly, a good relationship with her, or are always trying to achieve even status with SS ?
I wonder if your SS got wind of you Mum staying at your, presumably nice house in a nice place, & said, "Oh lovely I'd like to come & see you", then turns up with dud bf & a mate.
Mum knew you wouldn't like it, but "what you don't know doesn't hurt".
Except she left before these parasites & they didn't cover up.

I hope to god they washed the sheets/towels ?
I leave clean sheets on my bed for my return from holiday 😟😟

Outrageous behaviour from your mum. Sad that she’s now damaged your relationship which will likely play into SS hands.

Feel for you ending up in this situation despite being nothing but kind and hospitable.

That’s a really disappointing response from her. She isn’t taking any responsibility for betraying you and instantly tried to play the victim and make you out to be the bad one. That should tell you where her loyalties are - with the SS she knows is unwelcome. She’s not loyal to you. I’m so sorry, this is an awful realisation to make that a parent is not loyal to you but you absolutely have to set a boundary now she’s done this. Telling her to give you space is a good move but make that months rather than days, so that she knows she crossed a massive line here. When you are ready to talk to her keep your boundaries. Assert yourself if she tries to turn it on you again and be resolute. I know that’s easy to say but you’ve now found your relationship with her was not as you believed it was.

Shocking reaction from your dm @WeFoundLove . I don't blame you for asking for space.

I would be fuming at the damn cheek of it all. It’s too much.
Home is your sanctuary. To have a complete stranger sleeping in your family home - plus a relative you don’t get in with - is so so disrespectful. I don’t know what I would do!!

I'd send them the bill for the lock changes and use of your products.

YANBU
I would be absolutely livid and find it very, very difficult to forgive especially as you have a broken relationship with SS.
Your Mum has behaved very badly and has massively let you down…..and she knows it. I hope it was worth it to her but I doubt it.

Is she caught between her 2 daughters who don't like each other? Your SS is not nice so maybe she's manipulated your mum to letting her stay at your house? Which has pissed you off (obviously), but she doesn't want to upset her other (bully) daughter. Is your mum stuck in the middle?