AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

Nonsense.There's an update from last night. Try clicking on "See all" on the original post and you can read all the updates. I pity anyone who can only think the worst like this. Are you always like this?

What the hell is wrong with people! This is beyond appalling and what grown adult even leaves chewed chewing gum lying around - yuk.

@WeFoundLove I think at this point I would really want to know who that stranger was who was one of the intruders into your house and what his or her relationship is with your step-sister and her partner. If your mother even knows his (or her?) name! So I would be in touch one more time, or perhaps ask my DH to ring her, and ask. He might say the insurance on the house requires it, or some such.

Your mother thought she’d got away with it. She was devious. Unfortunately you can’t trust her

Just a thought, I don't think it's been mentioned but apologise if it has... have a look at your computer history, just to make sure these randos haven't been looking at anything they shouldn't - either online or among your documents. And I'd change all your passwords of anything that might have been unlocked. I don't suppose your mum has been rummaging in your bank account or viewing illegal porn, but who knows who the mystery person was! (Sorry to throw fuel on the fire, but better safe than sorry).

I agree with both you and your husband.

If that were me, I'd be absolutely furious with Mum.

''and 1 other person we don't know ''.

Demand the keys back from her immediately and change the locks fast. It's bad enough she had your stepsister in, knowing you don't get on, but a stranger you don't know also?

She's not answering your calls or texts because she KNOWS she did wrong.

Have a very severe word with her the first chance you get and tell her she will no longer be welcome to stay unless you and/your husband are there at the same time.

Oh dear. Tried to turn it into you spying on them… that’s wildly upsetting on top of the upset of her inviting the SS into your home and concealing it from you. I’m so sorry. If you figure out how to cope with the upset, how to repair the relationship or how to make her understand the impact of what she has done, can you post back here?

I ask as I’ve had not dissimilar betrayals of trust and unreasonable expectations and allegations from my family and it weighs on me.

No that would be it - at least if she said i am sorry I knew you wouldn't like it but I felt sorry for stepsister etc she'd be taking responsibility. I agree with PPs I wouldn't see her for a good long while, and if she insists you are overreacting I would ask her if she'd like it if you'd let her ex husband or enemy neighbour down the road or whoever she has a difficult relationship with into her house and lied about it. If she refuses to listen or understand she is not a good person to have in your life.

My 19yr old house sat for a work colleague this summer for 3 weeks - they knew unprompted to check if visitors were allowed and texted them when anyone was coming over for a takeaway/watch a film etc. its just basic manners not to invite anyone random into someone else’s home without permission. Your mum knows this, but is just put out she’s been caught. Did they just leave all the bedlinen in place in multiple rooms? Guessing so as they couldn't be bothered to empty the dishwasher and clean up. You are justified in being very cross indeed OP.

Appalling behaviour. I'm glad the locks are changed. Trying to turn it on you so bad. What a shitty thing to do.

It was vile and what pissed me off the most was that this random person thought it was acceptable to stay in my house without my permission and decide to try and get on MY PC. Luckily access was password protected.

But for the OP, how can she trust her DM again after this? It also makes me wonder if this may have happened before. The stepsister must have been so smug.

Your mother shouldn't have had anyone staying with her at your house, without your permission, that was wrong. Visiting but going back home to sleep would have been OK.

As you don't get on with step, I'm really surprised she wanted to stay.

Your mother has to realise she betrayed your trust. However she is your mum and I wouldn't cut her off indefinitely.

I have to be honest, I was not surprised by your update re her accusing you of spying. I expected something similar when I was reading through this.

OP, this is completely not okay. I know you know that, but just adding my voice. I get on very well with my siblings, but if my sister (who has a key) spontaneously let them stay at my house while we were away, I'd absolutely know and expect her to tell me. She didn't tell you because she knew perfectly well you'd have said no.

Please don't pay a fortune for a locksmith when most locks take 10 minutes and a screwdriver to pop out and measure, buy the new one on eBay for £10 then pop the new one in when it arrives.

Your mum should be apologising instead of accusing you of spying on her.

She massively betrayed you and cost you money in having to change the locks.

Clearly you can never allow her to stay there again when you go away.

You'd have known anyway even if you didn't have the cameras from the state your house was in. Not that it's relevant but your mum didn't even bother to clean up properly or hide the evidence that other people had been staying.

She sounds like a classic narcissist and as another poster said, dollars to doughnuts she'll leave you for a bit then pop up again as if nothing has happened.

OP, definitely agree that your DM is trying to employ DARVO to deflect from her appalling actions. Her accusation of spying doesn't hold any water anyway since if you had been "spying", you would have seen that they were there when they first arrived and been on the phone much sooner telling everyone to get out of your home. It's only because you noticed things weren't as they should be that you checked the recordings. If you did happen to be in contact with her about this again, I would possibly make this point (just to prove that her accusation is bollocks) but irrespective, I would never allow her access to my home again. In fact, any ongoing relationship would be dependent on a genuine apology. I cannot fathom why she would have left the house before them anyway, that was plain fucking stupid.

Absolutely - I would find this unforgivable. They had access to everything in your home!

Chris that’s a very gaslighty response!!

So she isn’t in the wrong for bringing people into your house without your consent? But is turning it back on you that you’re in the wrong for having cameras?! REALLY?!?

I don’t speak to my brother and SIL & if my parents allowed them to even come into my house, let alone set up camp for 5 days… I would go NUCLEAR !

I don’t know that I’d talk to her again, there is no excuse for this! She knows your feelings otherwise she would have told you!

so presumably these people slept in your bed?

What story are you reading? Not once was it mentioned that she needed the house looking after?!

It’s totally wrong but she’s still your mum. Maybe knowing you don’t get on with your sister she thought you’d never find out anyway and no harm done? It’s hard to be a mum when children are estranged from each other. In some ways your sister is worse for doing it knowing you wouldn’t want her there

It’s her step sister for a start!

Yes harm done! Huge betrayal and breach of trust

@Jane143 wjat is so difficult about respecting one daughters boundaries? I have house sat for loads of people over the years and never once taken anyone else into someone else’s house.
Whether it’s hard for her or not that her daughters don’t talk, you just wouldn’t do this

That's exactly what the Op's DM has done but she's been caught out and now the fall out will only make the whole situation with the SS even worse. Once your DC are adults it's no one else's choice who they let into their home

Oh don't be daft! There aren't kids, they are grown adults with their own families. Mum doesn't get to decide and do as she wants