AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

Exactly! There is an implicit sexism in these posts, as if it’s worse for the husband because it’s the woman’s family who have done this.

So your mum knows about the cameras. I hope you told her you looked because from the state of the house it was bleedin' obvious that it wasn't only her there.

Not only has she lied to you since her stay, she lied before. Walks, reading, and having 'time to herself' - ha! Yeah, by herself except for step sister, partner and random unknown.

I know this is not really relevant but would how your Mum treated you and your SS growing up have played a part in why you don’t get along.

DH’s father was a narcissist and the impact of being raised by a narcissist has definitely affected his sibling relationships.

Your Mum clearly sees you as some kind of extension of herself that she would feel so free to use your home as her own to offer out, I suspect there are some narcissistic traits going on there, at the very least a lack of boundaries.

Stop it. OP returned with a significant update last night. But obviously you didn't bother to read it.

An Air B&B is usually empty of your sensitive and personal items. You know randoms (although less random that the person in op’s home, as you have contact details etc) are going to be using it.

Op, @WeFoundLove , I know you’re going somewhat incommunicado with your mum, but if you are contacting her again maybe say ‘We don’t think anything is missing, but we’re still conscious of the fact that a complete stranger was free to wander, and root around in our home’.

I would change the locks, and would only have your mum there when you are present. I wouldn’t trust her in the same way again. But if you don’t give her free rein, you can make sure complete strangers (to you) don’t get to wander through your home without your expressed consent when you aren’t there.

An appalling planned breach of trust. Change your locks and tell you mother there will be no more staying at your house when you are not there then move on.

And, the mother left all her secret guests in the house as she left before them. Nobody was in the house at that stage with the owners’ consent.

Oh, the overreacting line!!

that’s the classic line from people who take the absolute piss and don’t respect you enough to do the right thing

it’s borderline narcissistic behaviour

you’re the problem now. Right!

i hope you can see how fucked up this is, keep talking to your H and remind yourself that you’re not being unreasonable here. They violated your trust and they know it.

she knew you’d be totally against this, and that your step sister also wouldn’t ever think of coming to your house if you were there. This was planned and carried out deliberately.

i doubt the relationship between you and your mother will ever be the same again, but NONE of it is your fault. You will get through this.

Is your beef with your SS indirectly caused by your mum at all? For example, have you had to suck up her behaviour as a younger person to the point where you became an adult and said NO MORE!!! whilst your mum asked you to stop rocking the boat?

This occurred to me, too. Is the mother's "desire for reconciliation" between OP and the stepsister purely a one-way thing? The OP is supposed to be the one doing all the compromising?

I'm so sorry, @WeFoundLove .

The contrast between the love and care you showed your mum (thinking about what would make her comfortable and happy, spending time cooking food she would like), and her behaviour towards you, is heartbreaking.

It's such an incredibly painful shock to find these things out about our parents – the people we love and trust. The scales falling from our eyes can leave us bereft.

The OP returned last night.

I find it hard to believe this is the first time your DM has behaved badly @WeFoundLove , I expect your DH quietly fumed while you've given her the benefit of the doubt but this was too much.
I think she was shocked by the cameras, she thought you turned them off when she was there so she'd get away with it, your DM thinks what you don't know doesn't hurt you.
I don't know how you get her to see this wasn't trivial, that she's really broken your trust.
I'd alert your bank and get a Clearscore account to make sure no ones invaded your finances because if they have your DM won't believe it, she'll say family wouldn't do that

This is horrendous! Absolute breach of trust. You every right to be furious!

I cannot believe she left people alone in your house.

YA only BU wasting your time cooking her food and getting her treats in.

How DARE SHE.

oh dear, forgot there were cameras that you could look through - when the place wasn't left as she normally does. Added to which she had no intention of telling you, as she knew what she was doing was wrong - thus keeping it secret from you

Caught out red handed and now wants to minimise what has happened, if it wasn't a big deal why hadn't she mentioned it?

Hopefully she will be kicking herself for bring the step daughter and causing problems with her own daughter

‘I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

Go on now, go, walk out the door, just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one, who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?’

Change the locks 100% as a priority. Good that you have told her you have done this.

It is upsetting that your mum has done this but better that you know. The benefits of cameras are many on your front door it turns out!

I would really struggle to forgive this.

It’s quite easy to change the locks yourself rather than pay someone. You can just buy a new barrel and swap it.

Your mum has behaved appallingly

Rubbish response from your mum. She obviously didn't think it would be 'fine' or she'd have mentioned to you that they were coming. Agree with others that it's particularly bad that she wasn't even the last to leave. Having your home violated by people you don't know, like or trust is an awful feeling. I guessed she wouldn't have thought about the cameras. If it were me, I'd need to take a long break and make sure she realised just what she'd risked by her behaviour. And I wouldn't take any gaslighting about over-reacting either. So sorry this has happened to you OP. It really is not very nice.

YANBU
it is a huge betrayal of trust by your mum to allow other people to stay in your home (including unsupervised) without your permission- even if these were people you know and like. The fact that she invited someone you actively dislike and avoid, her partner and someone completely unknown to you, just compounds it even further. It is utterly reprehensible.

It’s also clear that your mum does know that she’s in the wrong both from her actions and reaction to being caught out. After all, if it was all ok/above board then she would not have tried to hide it from you- because there would be no need to. Though obviously regardless of who it was she absolutely should have sought (and gained) your permission to have other people staying in your house whilst you were away. That is just basic decency, which I am sure your mum knows full well. The fact she tried to hide it from you tells you everything you need to know- she knew you would not agree, but she did it anyway because it is what she wanted to do.

Then, when caught out, rather than apologise she tried to make you feel like the unreasonable one to deflect from her own bad behaviour. She should have apologised, she hasn’t. Taken all together, I would say you are right not to trust her going forward. If she wants to repair that relationship then she needs to start with a sincere apology, showing she understands why what she has done is a big problem, and even then there is a lot of rebuilding to be done. Until then, I’d keep her at arms length.

I too would change the locks because you now know she is happy to give the keys to others, including people you don’t know and people who you have a fractious relationship. You can’t be sure if your mum or anyone else has copied the keys, for instance, so for my own peace of mind I’d want the locks changed.

Maybe im a bitch but id go low/ no contact for that.

Yes ive done this a few times and im not handy at all

It’s the utter dishonesty that would infuriate me, not the mention that she presumed you wouldn’t notice.

@IsaTheIguana I don't think it's about being a bitch, the OP's mum has behaved so very badly, and I imagine that the OP is deeply hurt as well as angry.

This is the kind of shit my mother would do/has done, and I no longer have much of a relationship with her as a result...

So sorry you have been on the receiving end of this @WeFoundLove, re-set your lovely home however you need to, to get rid of the memory of what has happened and who has been there (I'd be opening all the windows wide for an hour to let fresh air blow through, and then maybe burn candles in all the rooms and treat yourself to lots of flowers) and make it feel like your own safe precious space once again. Much love, it is horrid to feel so betrayed xx

That is a huge boundary stomp OP. Your stepsister staying as well is almost a middle finger at you as you would never knowingly have allowed her in your home.
I have had this issue myself. We asked our trusted neighbour to house sit for us to keep an eye on it. Came home to find some furniture moved around, used chewing gum stuck on the mouse mat by my PC as someone had evidently tried to use it.
Asked my neighbour if everything had gone ok and he said that a friend from London had visited and stayed in my house.
I was livid that some random person had slept in my bed, had a good poke about in my stuff and got a mini break for free!