We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

Nope. His inheritance his choice. I am only 45 and would love to retire at 55, you are a long time dead, albeit my family don’t have longevity which may sway my opinion knowing I could be gone in my 60s.

While it didn't actually work out for them a couple retiring at the same time makes perfect sense to me.

Men being older in the majority of relationships is one of the reasons women had an earlier retirement age, enable couples to retire around the same time.

I think Op could become very resentful if she's getting up going to work to support their kids while DH lies in bed.

We still don't know how old their children are they could be just a couple of years to finishing school or they could be 8/9 years old with 10 years of school plus uni in front of them.

Exactly. And she isn’t even suggesting they do something with it as a couple. She wants it all to go to the children. Evidently he is done with the world of paid work so why force him to work longer because you want the kids to have the money himself.

By law, the money legally belongs to them both. So it’s not his money at all. It’s theirs.

55 is too young to retire. Is he quite lazy ? What kind of job does he do ? Is it avery physically demanding job?

Google it- it does not belong to her as well.

This is not a correct statement of the law, at least not if the parties are in England/Wales.

Being lucky by accident or birth does not equate to deserving something more. Are we more deserving of access to clean water than some African communities, because we happened to be born in the UK? No. Money is no different. Money can buy you out of poverty, and disease, and having to drink shit water from a well. No one ‘deserves’ unearned inheritance more than anyone else.

Whether or not it's deserved or earned is irrelevant.

It was given to him, so it's his.

How you'd like things to be does not = how things are.

Who’s to say you will both live another 20 years and ever actually see the benefit of it sitting in a bank? From someone who’s mum died early and unexpectedly, use the time you have and however the money makes your husband the happiest, because if he agrees to keep working another 5 years and dies before then, you will feel no regret like it. Trust me. My mum saved and kept her money close and died before she ever got to enjoy any of it!

It might well ‘be his’ but he does not ‘deserve’ it any more than anyone else, including his own wife.

I agree with you OP, 55 is young your DH could work a few more years and help the DC what's what most parents who are able to do, do help their DC.

This. DM died the year they both retired. DF now has pots of money but is lonely and has nothing to spend it on.

I'm assuming he will use the inheritance to contribute financially so he will be supporting the family. If I was him, I would retire, tomorrow is not promised.

I agree.

If I were the OP's husband, I'd be making an appointment with SHL and getting my ducks in a row!

And I speak as someone who's within 7 months now of retiring at 59, having given myself a year's runway to stopping. Once the idea of retirement takes root, to have someone try to take that away would be devastating.

No.

It's his money. Legally.

Can anyone explain why inheritance money is one person’s money but wages are both people’s money?

Wages aren't both people's money either.

Employers don't pay wages into joint accounts if their employee happens to be married.

Assets, included those earned during marriage, are considered marital assets on divorce.

Inheritance has a distinct status in law and for tax reasons. People who are married do not mystically become one person. They remain two distinctly different people.

Yes.
But I can’t imagine if a husband wanted to do something with his wages, that the wife was against, that people on here would be telling her it’s his money.

Legally it’s totally his unless he’s foolish enough to put it in a joint accounts.

Yes.

Which hopefully he'll have the good sense not to.

As long he meets his agreed financial obligations to the family, I don't see why he shouldn't be free to spend his money how he wishes.

I think it would be similar to someone paying their half of the bills but instead of putting £500 into a savings pot that was previously agreed, he decided to spend it on something else.

It’s making their future finances less certain.

I’m not saying either of the couple are wrong or right but I can see why OP is upset. If my husband did this, it would be so wildly out of character that it would throw me too.

I don't think it's right for you to tell him how to spend money a deceased relative left to him. I thought inheritances weren't viewed as part of the family pot in divorces if you'd kept it in a separate account? So I do view them differently.

I absolutely think it's unreasonable for you to say he should give it all to the kids. They get their inheritance when you die.

When my grandparents died and my parents inherited, they kindly gave me a little bit to help towards life, and took us on a family holiday, but spent most of it on a buy-to-let to fund their retirement. Good for them.

However, my answer would be different if you were also wanting to quit work. I think it would breed resentment if one person retired a decade before the other, if the other wanted to retire too. In that scenario I'd say work out what the earliest retirement age could be for both of you and compromise on that (eg, both retire when you hit 58 say).

I also wouldn't rush in to any big decisions.

Tomorrow isn't promised. If he wants to retire now then he should. Kids go to university and make their own way all the time, I'm sure you will find a way to help them as you would if you had not had the inheritance. Imagine how you would feel if your dh carried on working, at your insistence, amd he didn't make it to retirement age. It happens