AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

This is heartbreaking. I’m sure that the people who disagree with me/think I’m a bigot for thinking children should be told (kindly) they are the sex they are, end of, are motivated by empathy for gender-questioning children. Where is their empathy for autistic children? Or children, like mine, who are troubled by ‘lying’?

the fucking HADRON collider has a lot to answer for

Brian Cox. <swoon>

If it had to be a scientist, it'd be him.

God I've heard it all now. If he starts identifying as a tiger and they have to play along I'm calling social services

You need to tell her that clothes are clothes, anyone can choose what they wish to wear

And so they can. No problem. A boy can wear a dress. But he's still a boy.

OP forget this kid and the dress

The bigger issue is that your child os at a school that treats very young ND children like this AND segregates them from the NT at playtime!!

Your DD can’t be compelled to use the wrong pronouns. Her needs matter too. Guidance re the new KCSIE gender section says staff can’t be compelled to use pronouns but shouldn’t cause purposeful distress to the child. So, I’d explain to your DD to just always use the child’s name, that the child is a boy pretending to be a girl but would be upset to be told that, so don’t mention it to him.

I’m sure the KCSIE guidance says full social transition should be rare, so I find it hard to believe/understand why a primary school is doing this. I’m guessing because of a pushy parent, but this child needs to be protected too, and the DSL (safeguarding person) should be involved.

God I've heard it all now. If he starts identifying as a tiger and they have to play along I'm calling social services

My 2 year old grandson identifies as a dinosaur. But he's so good at stomping he passes. I honestly can't tell the difference.

You’ve never seen the protests outside abortion clinics then? Or against assisted dying at Parliament or hospitals wanting to withdraw care from a suffering child? The religious lobby is huge and insidious

My son has hair like a Barbie doll’s. People often “miss gender” him. It’s no big deal. I remind him he can choose to a) explain he’s a boy; b) get a hair cut; c) wait for his face to masculinise with puberty. He’s chosen c for a few years now, he has bald grandads and wants to enjoy his hair while he has it, and being taken for a girl isn’t actually an insult.

So very long and thick and platinum blonde??

If transphobia is calling a boy a boy then hey, we’re all transphobic and it’s no bad thing. I’d far rather my child was brought up to tell the truth rather than lie.

The child shouldn’t be MADE to call him a girl when that’s a lie. The child is a boy. No child should be forced to lie.

You've had some excellent advice OP. In addition to the KCSIE safeguarding guidance, schools also have clear guidance about how to teach Sex/ Relationships / Health Ed. Although this has been dealt with as a pastoral issue with your child being "told off", schools are now clearly told that they
"should be mindful that beyond the facts and the law about biological sex and gender reassignment there is significant debate, and they should be careful not to endorse any particular view or teach it as fact. For example, they should not teach as fact that all people have a gender identity".

"Schools should avoid language and activities which repeat or enforce gender stereotypes. Schools should be mindful to avoid any suggestion that social transition is a simple solution to feelings of distress or discomfort"

I think the aim is to remove from schools the transactivist groups who've been able to influence children to believe in gender identity. So this guidance might be useful to point out that the school shouldn't be effectively bullying you child into agreeing that this child has changed sex.

It's also worth all parents bookmarking this link in case they find a school inviting trans pressure groups in to gaslight children.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6970e7e67e827090d02d42e0/Relationships_education_relationships_and_sex_education__RSE__and_health_education__for_intro_1_September_2026_.pdf

Good luck with tackling this OP.

It was this part for me; "but her behaviour is still not nice and it should be addressed. It is fundamentally not ok to say things which you know hurt people's feelings".

As if she isn't ND with the MA of a 3yo and was trying to intentionally hurt his feelings. No, she was calling a boy a boy because he's a boy. Her "behaviour" (telling the truth) does not need to be addressed. Vile comment.

I get your point, but I am talking about more formally in schools and in workplaces.

There would be uproar if workplaces and non-religious schools took on a belief system and expected employees and pupils to go along with it in the same way they have with trans ideology.

Does he go to school? How old?

Encourage a child to lie and believe a lie? That’s messed up. Even more so for an autistic kid.

I would complain to the school op. If you get nowhere I’d switch schools or home educate.

lol... okay,

The Large Hadron Collider is at CERN, Switzerland and is essentially a very large long, underground circular tube, in which they began firing sub-atomic particles around at insane speeds and they achieved the first collisions late 2009.... crazy scientists doing crazy scientist shit

Some people believe this altered reality as we once knew it and that we are now in a parallel timeline, hence explaining all the seeming increase in global insanity from 2010 onwards, which you have to admit has been a major uptick.

I don't think it did personally, people have been crazy for a long time, yet its not a zero probability

Do you think transgender people enjoy being treated like shit by people like you? Or is it more likely they just feel like they are in the wrong body and trying to live their lives in peace?

If they want to live their lives in peace, they have to acknowledge that the vast majority of the population can tell what sex they are. I have a transwoman comes in to the charity shop I work in. He dresses and presents as a woman.
He knows he is a man. He has told me he is a transwoman and that he knows he is a man. He would like to have been born a woman but he knows he wasn't.
I don't treat him like shit. He's a very nice polite man.

Yes, exactly. They are religious extremists.

The problem with gender ideology is it the extremists who lobbied the government and infiltrated education.

There are plenty of trans people who absolutely abhor the idea of transitioning children and many who now recognise that it was wrong for males to use women's spaces. But they are never represented by mainstream media and face vitriol from their own so called community.

How could she tell the child was a boy? Their faces are really the same at that age

Of course they're not. It's easy to tell. Whatever they are wearing.

I can't wait for the whole "be your true authentic self" nonsense to get in the bin.

The older I get, the more I understand the "baddies" from Hot Fuzz: "For the greater good!"

We really need to get to a place where people understand that some people have a gender identity and some don’t and that’s fine. There’s a group set up in my workplace to encourage the careers of women. It’s for ‘those who identify as women and non-binary’. I’ve been trying to make the point to them countless times that loads of women don’t ’identify’ as anything, they just ARE women by virtue of their bodies. This logic has totally and utterly passed them by. ‘But we’re being inclusive’ they say. ‘But you’re excluding a heck of a lot of women’ I say.

Genuine question though as I’m not anti trans in general… but do you not think 5 is far too young to be stating with such clarity that they are the opposite sex? Doesn’t that risk doing more harm than good at such a young age where a lot of young boys will naturally gravitate towards ‘girls’ toys or clothes without it meaning they need to be the opposite sex?

OP what you need to understand is that as much as this childs’ gender choice is a protected characteristic, so is your childs’ disability, and if that presents a problem in her understanding of what’s happening here then they need to take this into consideration too. One protected characteristic doesn’t trump another.