AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

If you have never seen or heard about the child before… I reckon he might just have fancied a day of wearing his sister’s dress and his parents are laughably indulgent.

Otherwise the school would have dropped the years parents an email regarding how they expect them to be addressed

either way - this school sounds crap

do you have any older children there?

@Martha23 Disagreement is not hate.

Coercing someone into performing the rituals of a belief system that is not theirs - that is hateful.

Telling any 5 year old child that they are unkind because they will not be bullied into lying is hateful.

Wouldn't it make more sense to protect the girl from punishment at school by explaining that the boy is pretending to be a girl and the rule at school is to go along with it for now, but yes we know he's a boy wearing a dress. In a "some people believe" conversation

Then separately (and without involving the girl in any way because they're kids and this isn't their fight) go through the school complaint procedure, focusing on the girl's needs/disability in relation to her autism/additional needs.
The boy doesn't need to be the focus here for the OP.

Did you read that she has the mental age of a 3 year old

is there a huge amount of difference between a 5 and 3 year old? Genuine question. I have no experience in this area

they keep the NT segregated from the ND at breaktimes?

Yes!

Yes my elder son enjoyed dressing up in his elder sisters princess dresses when he was little, which i thought was sweet. But he is very much a boy and I never made a thing of it, he certainly never commanded everyone call him a girl. I feel I want to tell her to just stay away from him and if she does interact with him present it like a game; as if he is pretending to be a girl and its a game hes playing so not to bother with correcting it. It is just that given her needs im not sure she will even know what im really asking of her, and given that all of this has happened already it feels anytime I mention it she just instantly gets upset. I will give it a go in the interest of preserving her emotional wellbeing surrounding the matter. She should not have to be dragged into a political debate at this age it's infuriating

Actually science says children learn genders from the ages of 2-4. At age 5 they have a strong sense of their own gender. Even if the child grows up and then changes their mind, what is the harm is supporting and accepting them during that time? No one’s going to give this 5 year old a sex change or hormone blockers ffs. It’s about accepting people who are different and teaching kids to be kind.

Trans isn’t a protected characteristic.

There are 9:

Sex, disability, age, marriage and civil partnership, gender reassignment, race, sexual orientation, religion and belief and pregnancy and maternity.

A 5 year old child would not have a protected characteristic of gender reassignment (they are a child who wants to wear a dress and use a girls name - they’ll
be a dinosaur or unicorn next week and neither of those are protected characteristics either).

It seems so appalling to me to segregate NT and ND at play time

What is gender?

Mine would've, he is also neurodivergent and has a very strong sense of truth

Are you a parent?

It would be kinder if we let our kids grow up in a world without regressive stereotypes.
What's gender?

I didn’t call OPs daughter transphobic. The attitude of OP and most posters here is.

Also please fuck off about me not understanding ND, you don’t know a thing about me 👍🏻 my 7 year old ND niece quite happily accepts her trans uncle because of our family attitude being positive and accepting rather than negative and hateful

Depends how old DD5 is. If primary of course it’s ridiculous, if 16 or above then yes she should respect it. In between hard to know.

Hopefully, the school are ensuring that he uses the correct toilet based on his actually sex and that’s he’s not being allowed to get changed with the girls?

But you cant flippin change your mind about that!!! Ffs!! Like I cant change my mind about being 46 and actually be 26

They might have an understanding of their own sex at 5, but they won't understand clearly what makes another child male or female - they are likely to go on visual cues, and often ask 'is that a man or a woman'

They will have likely be taught by parents about gender stereotypes - such as girls wear dresses, boys have short hair - but they will not fully understand how these stereotypes are culturally created - and won't do until much later - in adolescence, when they may reject the stereotypes.

They are also in the age of magical thinking - so they believe in Santa and unicorns and fairies (if they have been told about them).

They rely on adults around them to build up their understanding of the world - and their part in it.

If adults lie to them about what is real and what is pretend, they will be confused.

And if his name is now Tina/Kirsty/Amy - what then? Using a girl's name doesn't change the basic principle.

We teach our children not to lie. Tell the truth. Except unless we're talking about trans. Then we will punish you for not lying. NO child of five, ND or not, should be forced to say a boy is a girl. It goes against everything they know.

And if OP's DD broke something, or hit someone, then said it wasn't her - why would that not be OK? After all, school is now telling her that not only is not lying wrong but is positively encouraged.

So if my 5 year old says they are a dinosaur, I must support that belief and insist everyone around them agrees to pretend that they are.

Definitely a realistic thing to do.

I am yes
My DS was August born. Started reception the day after he turned 4!!

Yes differences between a 3 and 5 year old but enough to be segregated off in class and playtime? Well, no

This is reception? There’ll be kids in this class who were 3 years old a few weeks ago!

I did include this in the email to the headteacher, given that I wasnt aware there was a trans student at the school I wanted to make sure she, and no other female pupils will be sharing a toilet with him. They have single sex toilets and if they do allow him to use the girls, I will be very clear in my reasons that she only uses the disabled toilet until it is addressed.

I think if he responds saying that he is able to use the girls toilets I will discuss with other parents to make sure this does not continue. Not much of an issue at this age but by year 6 this cannot be allowed.

I don’t think ‘being trans’ is a protected characteristic under the Equality Act, is it? That’s gender reassignment, which obviously no child of 5 has been through. The OP’s DD, though, does have a protected characteristic - she has a/more than one disability, which affects her understanding and ability to accept the other child’s chosen identity, since it contradicts the evidence of her eyes.

School should be careful to balance both children’s needs so that neither is disadvantaged. That does not mean compelling the disabled child is speech, though, surely.