AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

OP, what TheeadGuardDog is telling you about how the Equality Act works is false. The protected characteristics of gender reassignment is very specific and narrow and does not cover this scenario. There is widespread misunderstanding of this because activists put out incorrect guidance documents. That's why you should send an email to Sex Matters, Transgender Trend and the Safe Schools Alliance explaining what the school said and they'll give you the correct stuff to say based on the law.

This

Why do you ‘expect to get hate for this’?

Its Mumsnet.

So is being fat but we teach children to manage their reactions to this - how is this not teaching children to ‘lie’ ?

Agree with this

As a girl in the 70s, I had short hair, wore green and blue trousers etc

In the 80s, male New Romantics wore make up

I maintain that gender ideology is regressive. The thinking that all girls myst wear pink and have long hair makes me so mad!

While I don't disagree that it's unfair that they are forcing your child to use pronouns that are untrue, I'd try to stamp out the 'boys shouldn't wear dresses' narrative. It's probably this view that caused the boy to decide he was a girl in the first place!

No, it’s not. Gender reassignment is a PC. But you can’t have a GRC at the age of 5.

The school is being really irresponsible here socially transitioning a child of 5.

What a,ridiculous analogy.

This has been my experience with both of my children. DD had a little boy with beautiful long blonde hair in her class, she was convinced he was a girl,
My neighbours son had similar hair and DS kept saying her/she many times despite me drilling into them that boys can have long blonde hair too.

Not just ND dc. Any child needs adults who don’t push gender ideology, regressive attitudes plus a basic and fundamental lie.

Instead of trying to manage the reaction of every other child (including making 'allowances' for ND children) how about for the very small number of kids who want to identify as the opposite sex, we tell them that they can wear what they want and call themselves what they want, but we make it clear that not everyone (the majority of the UK do not believe in gender ideology) will see them as their new identity, or use new pronouns, or think they should use opposite sex spaces. And none of that means those kids hate them, disrespect them, don't want to be their friend or play with them at school.

Perhaps then the small number of kids with persistent gender dysphoria will grow up with some resilience unlike the current generation of unhinged trans activists who feel 'unsafe' at the merest hint of disagreement.

We had similar, only it was a child that identified as a cat. When I went in to ask why my child had been punished, I was told my child had told another they weren’t a cat. I laughed so hard. Then told them to never ever make my child lie about something, because children keeping adult secrets and engaging in their fantasy creates perfectly grooming-able children.
a cat. Seriously.

Agreed, it is a silly analogy.

We aren’t telling children to lie and pretend someone isn’t fat. We’re asking them to politely not mention it. As there are zero situations where a child would need to mention it, this works fine

But sex is completely different. There are times when it is necessary to identify someone’s sex, particularly for safeguarding purposes. Asking a child to lie about what sex a person is can cause confusion when it comes to safeguarding. It’s also asking them to ignore their instincts, which are valuable and important.

No way did @Craziesareoutinfullforce ever expect “hate”

Telling dc to lie about biological sex is too Orwellian.

The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command - 1984

The example used earlier in the thread about someone being smelly didn't follow to the logical conclusion. If someone is smelly it would be unkind for children in their class to mention it. However, it would also be unkind if the teachers didn’t address the issue via parents and help them get appropriate support. It would be unkind to tell the child they don't smell if they ask as then everyone will know except them. It would be unkind to avoid treating any underlying medical or social issues.

Imagine a child who is severely underweight but insists they are ok or even overweight. Which is common for anorexic children. Should everyone just be made to pretend they are fat? That's a medical condition so they can't be discriminated against.

I have previously posted about a similar sort of issue with a much older autistic child struggling to accept gender changes. Autistic children tend to have very black and white views and struggle with change. This may well be an issue for years more to come.

As another thought, the vast majority of gender questioning children are autistic. So it is more likely than not that this child is also autistic.

I think the best you can do got your little girl is to say it’s a game and that little boy wants to be called a girl because he’s playing a game. Tell her he gets sad if other children call him a boy when he’s playing his game.
I don’t know. It’s a strange world.

No you are not BU!!!! Transgenderism is absolute bullshit. I am an NT adult and would not use 'she/her' pronouns for a male. It's a child harming, misogynistic cult.

No I wouldn’t do this. It’s so unkind to dc to do this. It’s confusing.

why “very lengthy”? Genuine question. What did you include?

At this age I’d have gone for a very casual “DD we know this boy is a boy. The teacher is completely wrong and I’m going to talk to the school. This is not something for you to give any more thought about. No name calling ever obviously but he’s a boy and that’s all you need to know my love. Now, what are we going to do over the weekend?!”

Why did you feel the need to name change @Craziesareoutinfullforce ?

Why did you feel the need to ask the OP this?

Nosiness