AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

@Craziesareoutinfullforce On a sidenote you can also tell your dd that boys are allowed to wear dresses and like pink. I had a school mate who wanted to wear a dress to school like his older sister sometimes. At first the kids laughed but then they got used to it. He stopped after 2 years by himself. Never said he wanted to be a girl- he just wanted to wear a dress.

I’m torn on this one. I think it’s fairly normal at that age to question why a boy looked like a girl because kids can be quite blunt. On the other hand a lot of kids just wouldn’t care and would play and carry on without drama. Some kids are inquisitive. Being autistic she may be more blunt than others. The other child may also be ND….

I do think you’re going OTT though. Just explain to your kid that they want to be a girl. Then let it be. It really doesn’t matter. Kids dress up and want to be all kinds of things. No drama needed.

deliberately refusing to call them a girl and go to the LA is just causing issue. What do you actually want them to do. The more fuss you make the more drama for your child. The other child may just be exploring and may grow out of it.

it’s not lying or gaslighting or any of the other ridiculous words being thrown about. Someone will say it’s unhinged I’m sure 🤣.

both kids have protective characteristics and you probably don’t know all the ins and outs of the others child’s life.

If you read the Equality Act you'll find that just proposing to undergo gender reassignment is enough to trigger the protection. There can be no compulsion to make any physical changes first or at all. I'm guessing that with a young child, it's the parents' consent which counts. No, I don't think it's right either, for a multitude of reasons, but that's what the act says.

Not a chance and I would not be indulging this kind of nonsense and neither should the school!

I have no issues whatsoever with a fully grown adult making the decision to express themselves in whatever gender they see fit but to expect children to understand and adhere to “rules” surrounding this is ridiculously inappropriate!

I thought social transition and perception still counted under equality act. Might be wrong.

but nonetheless they’re still a little kid and likelihood of increased bullying due to horrible kids and parents - so is probably on their radar.

we have no idea whether this child is socially transitioning
all we know is… he fancied wearing a dress yesterday
and a weird teacher for over excited about it

Totally agree but the guidance from the Department of Education is to proceed with extreme caution where a child has expressed a gender preference. It seems the school are taking that extremely seriously but as l pointed out upthread one protected characteristic doesn’t trump another and OP’s childs’ difficulties in understanding/processing have to be considered too. Personally l think it’s insidious.

That may or may not be the case, however it is of no consequence to the OP. If there is a protected characteristic it means that the child cannot be discriminated against with regards to things like housing/jobs (which don’t apply to a child anyway). It does not mean that anyone is compelled to use pronouns of their choosing.

Agree. This is the key issue. No child should be made to lie.

No, it's teaching them the social convention that you listen to what people say they want to be called. Similarly, if my friend's birth name is Amy, but she prefers Claudette then I'm going to use Claudette. That's the social convention. If a child sees a fat woman and says, "that lady's fat" we teach them not to say that. Neither of those are lies: they're social conventions.

Our job, especially with children who struggle to notice social expectations like neuro diverse children, is to teach them how to be in the world.

You disagree with this particular social convention, but that doesn't mean you should teach your children not to follow it if it will make their life more difficult.

Sex isn’t a social convention it’s a biological reality.

To give another example, the social convention is that when someone asks in passing, "how're you?" you answer "I'm good". That is sometimes a lie. However, teaching your child to over share with exactly how they are actually feeling would be detrimental to their social experience. So we teach them to lie.

The social convention is to call males “he and him” and females are “she or her”.

I have and will continue to teach my children this, like most parents.

Respecting someone's name and pronouns is a social expectation. Gender is a social expectation

I disagree that using wrong sex pronouns is a social convention or expectation. I don’t and won’t do this.

There are ways of doing so without getting yourself in to trouble.

‘Being trans’ is not a protected characteristic. The PC is ‘gender reassignment’. Another protected characteristic is religion or belief. The belief that humans cannot change sex is part of that as detailed in the Forstater judgement. In addition, KCSIE addresses this issue. Staff and students must not be forced to agree to the belief that a student, or indeed a member of staff, has changed sex.

No it isn’t. It’s coercion.

If a child sees a fat woman and says, "that lady's fat" we teach them not to say that. Neither of those are lies: they're social conventions.

Which is absolutely not the same thing. It’s not a lie to point out that someone is fat if they are, it’s just socially unacceptable. The notion that someone can change sex is fundamentally untrue - social convention doesn’t apply.

Do you think a boy becomes a girl if they wear a dress?

If you truly believe that a 5 year old has the developmental understanding to think they can change sex as if by magic then you’re bonkers. Any 5 year old who believes this has been groomed by the adults who should know better.

I think it's irrelevant

This is incorrect. The protected characteristic is gender reassignment and in the UK we do not currently permit puberty blockers or other interventions for minors. A primary age child is not capable of informed consent and the school should not be requiring other children to go along with what appears to be social transitioning.

No. Using pronouns in alignment with sex is the social convention. It isn't the OP's child that's disrupting that.

Why would you put an adult agenda onto a young child?

Question for any teachers. What is the current guidance, post Cass, on social transition in schools? I would have thought any school going along with this was on very shaky ground.