AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

The protected characteristic is gender reassignment at any stage and it can be medical or social. There is no minimum age at which that protection begins.

What are you talking about?

Why would you indicate to a young child that humans can change sex? That has huge implications for their scientific understanding as well as basic safeguarding.

Why would you ‘explain’ something that was not possible though? It is impossible to change sex. 5 year olds don’t need to be lied to by the grown ups. The boy is being lied to by his adults and the teacher is lying to the OPs daughter about the boy being a girl.

That’s in no way similar. Saying “I’m fine” is a courtesy to keep things short because the person enquiring doesn’t want to hear about the verucca you have, your heavy period, or the bruise on your leg.

Likewise, in your previous example, we use people’s names. That’s ok. So, if someone says their name is Elizabeth but they like to be called Buffy, we call them Buffy. However, if they say they believe in X religion and try to make us chant certain words, we politely decline.

It’s the same with pronouns. Pronouns are related to sex. We don’t have to take part in others’ belief systems around them, whether their pronouns are zir, bun, kitten, or the opposite sex pronoun. That doesn’t mean we have to be rude. Usually we can just smile politely and simply use their name and avoid pronouns altogether.

Pronouns aren’t a social convention. They’re the thin end of the wedge to prise open the door and steal women and gay people’s rights.

Agree. What does an adult gain from asking a child to lie.

Actually, telling them to lie, even worse.

So could a 1 year old ‘transition’?

Sex and gender reassignment are protected characteristics- “transgender” is not.

It was falsehoods like this that allowed Stonewall to manipulate so many organisations into daft positions in the name of equality.

I don't see how I am. This is the social convention is a neutral statement. It's the social convention that we say "bless you" when someone sneezes in the UK. I teach my children to do that, even though I'm an atheist. It's a social expectation and I don't want them to feel out of place because they don't know that.

Sorry but I've no idea what you mean by that, it's just word salad.

Exactly

But that still doesn’t mean you can compel others to use pronouns. Moreover, the KCSIE changes make it very clear that social transition should be rare; a child wanting to change gender is a safeguarding concern; and that staff in school (and pupils) do NOT have to comply with pronouns.

The world has gone absolutely fucking batshit crazy.

I wonder how we will look back on this period of insanity? And how it will be explained to people trying to understand it in the future?

Bless you, as the people who live in the south of the USA would say.

The adult gains nothing. The child gains the ability to participate in society by following its rules.

No child is trans. It is not legal to obtain a GRC until age 18.

It is causing harm to cause a child to lie and to force them to believe something different than is in front of their eyes. Females have built in survival mode to identify sex. To force a girl to suppress this is abusive.

The poll responses on this thread so far suggest that your grasp of what society's rules are may not be as strong as you imagined.

It’s never been a rule of society to lie about people’s sex.

Good to know.

So you think females who wont obey a belief system can't participate in society??

You actually think you are going to get away with that?

Um no

Society =/= Mumsnet

This wouldn’t have become an issue at all if you had taught your child that clothing is not gendered. There is no reason a boy can’t wear a dress. This shouldn’t have been something that warranted notice.

I don’t believe speech should be compelled so I would push back on any punishment for non-compliance. However, I also would talk to my child about why someone might ask for different pronouns and discuss when it is easy to agree and times it might be harder to comply with the request. Acknowledge that it isn’t as simple as some people make it out to be, but that with someone we know well, it can be like learning to use a preferred nickname.

This is ridiculous. 5 year old being told to lie. How the hell have come to this?

Gender is a restrictive and damaging social construct of stereotypes of behaviour and presentation and varies between cultures. We shouldn't be reinforcing it, but trying to limit the damage it does.