AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

Unfortunately it applies just as much to a five year old child as it does anyone else. Under Section 7 of the Equality Act, a person is protected if they are proposing to undergo, undergoing, or have undergone a process to reassign their sex. The law confirms this process is personal and social rather than medical.

For a young child, this can be as simple as choosing a different name, using different pronouns, or dressing as their preferred gender. It’s illegal for schools, nurseries, or service providers to discriminate against, harass, or victimise a child because of these choices.

The department of education recognises that children cannot legally change their sex but schools still have to ensure that legal protections are enforced where the child has expressed a gender preference.

I agree, as the parent of ND children who would also have struggled being both literal and blunt I would have been annoyed with the school making out they were being deliberately unkind. But at the same time it’s not difficult to say “in these circumstances this is what you say” and if anything they will find it easier to stick to; my older son is autistic and once he was told “whatever someone says their name is that’s what you call them” he was fine with it because there was a rule.

That's why I'm fighting it. Send her to a different school and it could just happen again. I do not have the time or resources to home educate, and even so would not want to, personally.

OP all schools have to abide by the Equality Act 2010 so it’s going to be very difficult to find a school that doesn’t comply. I’m in no way saying I agree with it and I reiterate, your own child has their own protected characteristics which must be observed.

But at least choose a school that doesn’t segregate the ND and the NT at play times

This child did not have a protected characteristic at the stage of wanting to wear a dress for a day

the protected characteristic bit doesn’t come until transitioning

No, sorry your daughters development has NOTHING to do. She was stating a simple fact, as 99% of 5 year olds do. He is a boy. At 5 years old shes not to understand the difference between what a child is and what they "see themselves as" i would be straight on the phone to school to complain that a teacher told your dd she was being unkind

I hipe she grows up to understand this. But her ASD makes her so rigid in her understanding of things that she gets genuinely annoyed when it is questioned. Like recently, we were learning letters together and (as per professional advice) I was intentionally mislabelling some of the letters to try and catch her out and make her correct me. Not only did she correct me, but she got very upset and annoyed that I said, twice, that the letter "D" was "A". If someone questions something that she knows to be true, she just has a meltdown. Navigating this is going to be an absolute nightmare, and already is.

Thank you. Have already emailed the headteacher a very lengthy email about it and am awaiting his response. I really hope he can sort it without me having to take it further as I have enough on my plate as it is, but me being me will not let this rest.

It is for a reason. She finds busy social situations overwhelming, hence why they werre doing a trial run today. Which went brilliantly, until this!

The new DfE safeguarding guide linked to earlier in the thread makes it clear that gender-confused children can no longer use the toilets or other single-sex spaces of the opposite sex. This little boy will always stand out because regardless of what he wears he can't use the girls' facilities.

I know, I understand and respect that I really do. I want both my DD and this little boy to feel safe and protected at school, as all kids should. It is just highly frustrating and upsetting that it feels my DDs needs are being disregarded in favour of the other child. I really, really hope the head can sort it and that's that. I can just feel it's going to be a lengthy battle, but hope I am wrong. Thank you though

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She thought he was a boy because he is a boy with short hair and a wider jaw and is clearly a boy. Just like how everyone else on ghe planet determines someone else's gender. Hence why she found it confusing he was wearing a dress, and asked him innocently why he was wearing a dress. Because she knows dresses are for girls and not boys. If he was wearing boy clothes with long hair I don't think she would have said anything. I dont know of any other boys that wear dresses at the school so he does stand out. Again, a 5yo with the MA of a 3yo just cannot be transphobic, as they do not know what transgenderism is.

I have taken from this thread that there are A LOT of parents of NT children who really, really fail to grasp what differences ND kids have and how it presents in everyday life. Perhaps educate yourselves on the matter instead of telling other people to push transgender ideology onto their infant kids?

I think if he responds saying that he is able to use the girls toilets I will discuss with other parents to make sure this does not continue. Not much of an issue at this age but by year 6 this cannot be allowed.

OP, the new DfE document linked to earlier makes it clear that following the Supreme Court judgment and the new EHRC guidance now in force, the school cannot allow this boy,or any other gender-questioning child, to use the facilities of the opposite sex.

Brilliant, thank you for sharing that. Have SSd and will note it down now should the Head's response be less than satisfactory. Thank you

/s is a tone indicator for sarcasm

The child in question does not have a protected characteristic

Is mainstream right for her if she’s basically being segregated the entire time anyway?

Exactly!!!

Just saw your previous reply @ThreadGuardDog

There is no compulsion for adults to use preferred pronouns, let alone children

Because it's teaching them to lie. If the teacher's wearing a blue skirt but tells OP's child it's red, should we then tell the child that she has to go along with it even though that she can see for herself it isn't true?

@Craziesareoutinfullforce You can tell your dd that the boy likes to pretend that he's a girl (or his parents at this age I would say). But he is a boy.

Unfortunately there is no lower age limit for the protected characteristic of gender reassignment, only for getting a GRC, when the limit is 18.

No it doesn’t - quotes from the EA2010 upthread. Transitioning doesn’t have to be medical, but social and there is no age limit. Please don’t shoot the messenger.

I do not personally believe that this child would qualify as undergoing reassignment. However it is immaterial as there is no requirement for anyone to use preferred pronouns anyway.