am I being unreasonable to offer to be a surrogate after failed IVF

[MiniMischiefMakers]

My bother and SIL have struggled with infertility for almost ten years and has come to the end of the road with IVF. After many failed transfers, they don't want to try again. They still have some high quality frozen embryos, and they've ruled out adoption. I'm in my mid thirties with a four year old and a seven month old, and I feel our family is complete. I conceived quickly both times and had healthy, uneventful pregnancies and births.

I'm seriously considering offering to be their surrogate. I understand pregnancy and birth always carry risks, but given my history I'm comfortable with them. My brother and SIL are a wonderful aunt and uncle and would make incredible parents. It would be purely altruistic, and I wouldn't want or expect any compensation. I’m a SAHM so it wouldn't affect my work. I just love them so much, I can see how much they’re hurting and want to do whatever I can to take it away. I also can’t help but feel that I’m effortlessly living their dream life and I feel some guilt over that (all on my end, they have never said or implied that at all, even when we announced our second pregnancy). It just feels so much joy could come from nine months of my life, they’d have their long awaited baby, I’d gain a niece or nephew, my children would have a cousin. It just feels right to me to offer.

I know they may well decline, having already been through so much. If I do offer, I want to be completely certain first so I'd love to hear from anyone who has been an altruistic surrogate, been born or had a baby through altruistic surrogacy, or has experience of it with family or friends.

Well, divorce your husband then?

Then he won't be in the BC

How many surrogacies have you been involved in, and those doing it for their brother?

OP I used to feel as you do and even wondered about offering for a friend (who never actually asked). There's something so unfair and divisive about infertility.

However I since learned about child development and trauma and cannot condone even surrogacy that comes from such a lovely place as your offer does.

Even if you accept the genuinely increased risk to your own health, what I don't think any human ought to have the right to do, is to intentionally cause trauma to a child. The surrogate born infant suffers the traumatic loss of their mother at birth. The voice, the rhythm, the smell, the everything they have come to know in utero as..... I was going to say "home" but it's not, infants aren't really differentiated from their mothers for many months after birth.... is it more an abrupt loss of part of the self?

It's illegal with pets. And if you speak with people familiar with adoption they'll tell you even babies adopted at birth carry a degree of trauma. Adoption is making the best of a prior existing traumatic situation, rather than commissioning it in the first place. Plus adopted children have their trauma recognised, get preferential school places, family therapy etc.

You probably don't want to hear any of this. Your offer really does come from a lovely place. I suspect if you go ahead with this you'll probably intuitively understand all this at the point of handover if not before.

Edit: know several adopted people and two surrogate born kids if that's relevant.

you just have to be 100% sure you’re ok with it before you make the offer. it would be cruel to change your mind.

also need to think through- what if they ask you to abort half way through?

I wouldn’t do it but i find pregnancy awful. It’s quite amazing to consider it though. I personally don’t put much weight into the idea that the newborn will be traumatised. newborn brains are very elastic and humans have forever had to adapt to being cared for by non-mothers, whether that’s because they died in childbirth or because we existed in tribes where child rearing was a group thing. is being born by surrogate really worse than never having a chance at life in a loving family unit? that seems a stretch to me.

Thank you. As a surrogate baby, most people wonder why being given to a loving family would have lifelong impacts. I've tried to explain that it's fundamentally a selfish act and a damaging one but most can't see that.

Who was your biological mother?

Funny iv been thinking about this. My family is complete. I feel I could surrogate for a close family member if they had embryos

I think this is a wonderful thought. Can you talk it through with your family? i.e your mum to see what she thinks before mentioning it to them directly? I would seek advice from a surrogacy agency/ivf clinic to receive as much info as possible so you don’t go in blindly. You wouldn’t want to offer, get their hopes up then back out.

@FKAT give birth to yes. But not genetically the biological mother

It’s a lovely thought and my sister did offer similar after my first few attempts didn’t work. There are a few things you need to think about before even broaching this, in my opinion.

1. have they accepted the ivf outcome? It’s almost a grief process and if they’ve reached acceptance they may decline.
2. have you considered how you would feel if you miscarry? Both for yourselves and them? Whilst your pregnancies have been ok it does not mean this would be for a multitude of reasons out of your control.
3. what kind of relationship do you have? Are you close? How would you feel if they made different parenting decisions to you?
4. what if the child had a disability? Would you feel responsible? Whilst it would not be your fault your feeling may be of guilt - especially if you have children not affected by disability.

its so complex and only you/they would know how suitable it is but i would seriously consider all the “worst” and “best” cases before broaching the subject. IVF is such a rollercoaster giving hope when they have lost it should only be done where you have truly made peace with all possible outcomes.

Thank you. As a surrogate baby, most people wonder why being given to a loving family would have lifelong impacts. I've tried to explain that it's fundamentally a selfish act and a damaging one but most can't see that.

Do you know who your biological mother is?

Yep

Do you have a relationship with them?

Yes I did have, she died a few years ago but we had a relationship x

Not only OP but by many who replied. Her partner and especially 2 very young children who would also be affected have been ignored.
A 4 year old and a 7 month old are still incredibly young and demanding.

Another thing - what if they accept and down the line feel they would like a sibling? Would you do it again?

Why do children come last in so many infertility conversations? The newborn who will be separated from their mother and will have to live with this odd family setup. Two little children whose mum will be putting herself at risk. It’s all fine as long as an infertile couple can have a baby.

That is not the law.

It is though.

"English family law is no exception to this tendency: if a man is married to the mother at the time of a child’s birth, he automatically receives the status of father. This applies even if his wife is acting as a surrogate mother for another couple. In almost all such cases, he will have no genetic relationship to the child, but still be legally classed as the child’s father and listed on the child’s birth certificate."

https://www.majorfamilylaw.co.uk/the-legal-status-of-fatherhood/

Might be different on Scotland though.

The risk is the same whether it's her own or not

Thank you all for the replies. I forgot to mention in my OP that my DH is on board. He may not have thought about it as much as I have, so counselling makes sense, and it will probably have to be online after the children are in bed. I wouldn't do this if he were unhappy or had concerns.

Maybe it's easy to say now, but I don't feel in any way that this would be my baby. I trust my brother and sister-in-law will be great parents because they're already a great aunt and uncle. They won't make all the same choices we do, but that's fine, because it's their child. I can’t imagine feeling an ownership of their parenting decisions years down the line because they needed help being their baby here. I also don't think I'd hugely struggle to hand the baby over. With both of my children, it took weeks to months to fully bond. I loved them from the start, but I needed time to get to know them. It wasn't PND, and I had immediate skin-to-skin and breastfeeding both times. And that was without knowing the baby was my niece or nephew and would never be coming home with us. Of course it will be emotional but not like handing over either of my children now. The same goes for the comments saying the baby would really be mine. I'd carry and give birth, but the baby wouldn't be biologically mine and was never going to be. I wouldn't have given away my children because I knew they were mine. This child would never be mine.

I care hugely about the baby as part of this process. The data on outcomes for children born through surrogacy is not well explored with no large studies. I think my niece or nephew would have an amazing quality of life, with parents who adore them and doting grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Even though I'd be the one pregnant, the baby isn't mine to "gift", and I actually feel uncomfortable with that word being used about another human being. The baby would be carried by me, then grow up with their biological parents. I was very interested to read Beccahm's posts, and I've a lot of posts with a wide range of experiences from surrogate born people, positive, negative and neutral. There doesn't seem to be any consensus, or any large scale, long term studies.

I do acknowledge there are risks, but there are risks with any third pregnancy too. People also have more than one baby from donor eggs not infrequently. I'll definitely do counselling, and I'm sure this will come up there.

As for my children, we’d be honest from the start. I'd tell them that sometimes people struggle to have a baby and need help, and that I'm helping Uncle X and Aunty Y have one. I definitely wouldn't say I'm having a baby and giving their brother or sister to Uncle X. In my experience children are very accepting. We have books at home about different kinds of families, and they already know many families that aren't Mum, Dad and two children.

With regards to disability and termination, if I decide to offer and they accept, that's a bridge I'd cross then. Personally, I would have terminated for a serious disability, but I don't know what they would do. I can't imagine them rejecting their baby if they were born with a disability.

The advice to speak to my brother first makes sense, and I'll take it on board if I decide I'm willing to go ahead.

What if I miscarry is something I’ve considered but it’s something I can’t really say how everyone involved would feel. Similar for siblings, though my thought now is I would only be happy to carry one more baby.

We would be on the initial birth certificate but a court order would reissue the birth certificate to reflect the biological parents.

I hope that answers most things. I’ve found every post and POV helpful even the ones I don’t agree with. This is a huge decision and an anonymous sounding board is incredibly helpful.

It’s a shame the baby has no choice isn’t it?

replies. I forgot to mention in my OP that my DH is on board

I laughed out loud at this!

But what if you want the abortion and they don't? Because the risk to your life is too big?

Or vice versa? What if they want you to abort because of disability and you don't want to go through that? Then what?

These are REAL decisions that might need to be made.