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am I being unreasonable to offer to be a surrogate after failed IVF

308 replies

MiniMischiefMakers · 02/10/2026 17:54

My bother and SIL have struggled with infertility for almost ten years and has come to the end of the road with IVF. After many failed transfers, they don't want to try again. They still have some high quality frozen embryos, and they've ruled out adoption. I'm in my mid thirties with a four year old and a seven month old, and I feel our family is complete. I conceived quickly both times and had healthy, uneventful pregnancies and births.

I'm seriously considering offering to be their surrogate. I understand pregnancy and birth always carry risks, but given my history I'm comfortable with them. My brother and SIL are a wonderful aunt and uncle and would make incredible parents. It would be purely altruistic, and I wouldn't want or expect any compensation. I’m a SAHM so it wouldn't affect my work. I just love them so much, I can see how much they’re hurting and want to do whatever I can to take it away. I also can’t help but feel that I’m effortlessly living their dream life and I feel some guilt over that (all on my end, they have never said or implied that at all, even when we announced our second pregnancy). It just feels so much joy could come from nine months of my life, they’d have their long awaited baby, I’d gain a niece or nephew, my children would have a cousin. It just feels right to me to offer.

I know they may well decline, having already been through so much. If I do offer, I want to be completely certain first so I'd love to hear from anyone who has been an altruistic surrogate, been born or had a baby through altruistic surrogacy, or has experience of it with family or friends.

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 06/10/2026 15:45

ThatGoldFox · 04/10/2026 19:31

I think the ethics of surrogacy are complicated depending on so many factors. In op's situation baby would be raised by biological parents and still have a relationship with their aunt and surrogate, that's as ethical as it could ever be.
To make sure every outcome is thought about I would get lawyers involved if it does go ahead.

Just a point of language…the biological parent is the woman who gives birth, the mother. The brother and sister in law would be the genetic parents if both provide their gametes and don’t purchase from third parties, in which case the people who donated their gametes would be the genetic parents.

It used to be that there was only one type of mother - or two with adoption - but with donor conception, legal parenthood etc there are different terms to differentiate what type of mother you are, by what means.

Anarchy99 · 06/10/2026 15:50

Lamelie · 06/10/2026 09:08

My take is that she’s self aware and trying to gather information before/ if she offers.

But she’s dismissing anything she perceives as negative and is sure that it is in the best interests of a future child to be born into a complex family dynamic.

And what about her own children? The four year old probably was aware that mummy was carrying their sibling and then they are faced with mummy carrying another baby but she’s giving that to their aunt and uncle.

Depending how long this process took, it’s possible that the younger one would be aware too.

Patioplant · 06/10/2026 15:53

Anarchy99 · 06/10/2026 15:50

But she’s dismissing anything she perceives as negative and is sure that it is in the best interests of a future child to be born into a complex family dynamic.

And what about her own children? The four year old probably was aware that mummy was carrying their sibling and then they are faced with mummy carrying another baby but she’s giving that to their aunt and uncle.

Depending how long this process took, it’s possible that the younger one would be aware too.

Edited

Hopefully the therapist will make her see sense
but I don’t see this happening anyway so i don’t think any of us need to be concerned

sittingonabeach · 06/10/2026 16:38

And the posters saying the OP is being given a hard time, surely anyone who treats a baby as a commodity should be given a hard time

Patioplant · 06/10/2026 17:32

sittingonabeach · 06/10/2026 16:38

And the posters saying the OP is being given a hard time, surely anyone who treats a baby as a commodity should be given a hard time

And if this thread is “giving the Op a hard time” then maybe being pregnant for 9 months and then handing over the baby to someone else might be too hard for them

Riceball · 06/10/2026 21:13

Don’t give your baby away OP. It’s a cruel thing to do.

Thisusernameisalwaysavailable · 07/10/2026 18:52

Riceball · 06/10/2026 21:13

Don’t give your baby away OP. It’s a cruel thing to do.

😂

Stick0rTwist · 08/10/2026 12:17

Ponderingwindow · 02/10/2026 18:10

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0378378224001415

here is one article on the phenomenon of mismatched genetics.

The baby would have a 25% genetic link to her though through her brother?

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