am I being unreasonable to offer to be a surrogate after failed IVF

[MiniMischiefMakers]

My bother and SIL have struggled with infertility for almost ten years and has come to the end of the road with IVF. After many failed transfers, they don't want to try again. They still have some high quality frozen embryos, and they've ruled out adoption. I'm in my mid thirties with a four year old and a seven month old, and I feel our family is complete. I conceived quickly both times and had healthy, uneventful pregnancies and births.

I'm seriously considering offering to be their surrogate. I understand pregnancy and birth always carry risks, but given my history I'm comfortable with them. My brother and SIL are a wonderful aunt and uncle and would make incredible parents. It would be purely altruistic, and I wouldn't want or expect any compensation. I’m a SAHM so it wouldn't affect my work. I just love them so much, I can see how much they’re hurting and want to do whatever I can to take it away. I also can’t help but feel that I’m effortlessly living their dream life and I feel some guilt over that (all on my end, they have never said or implied that at all, even when we announced our second pregnancy). It just feels so much joy could come from nine months of my life, they’d have their long awaited baby, I’d gain a niece or nephew, my children would have a cousin. It just feels right to me to offer.

I know they may well decline, having already been through so much. If I do offer, I want to be completely certain first so I'd love to hear from anyone who has been an altruistic surrogate, been born or had a baby through altruistic surrogacy, or has experience of it with family or friends.

I agree. I'm always surprised by the vitriol about any form of surrogacy on mumsnet which often seems to get very heated and personal to anyone who even partially disagrees. OP I honestly wouldn't bother engaging as you won't change people's minds. I'd seek out people who've actually done it for a close friend or family member and ask them how it was or families who've used altruistic surrogates.

The vitriol is because so many people who believe in surrogacy just look at the resultant parents point of view and how important it is that they become parents and don’t consider the impact on the resultant children. This is how it used to be with adoption and the use of egg and sperm donation. All about the resultant parents. No consideration at all about the children. Finally it was recognised that adopted children should have the right to know about their birth parentage and also the child should always come first. The priority is not to make infertile people parents. It took some time but then it was realised that egg and sperm donation can cause trauma to the resultant child and again it shouldn’t just be about making people parents. Surrogacy has no such consideration about the resultant child. One day I am sure many people will look back in horror how babies were treated as commodities

People are against surrogacy because they’re advocating for the baby - I notice you didn’t encourage OP to speak to anyone born from surrogacy. People forget it’s a tiny human at the centre of this who doesn’t know why they’re separated from their mother or even that that’s what the wound is. A baby in utero tastes what the birth mother eats, hears her voice and heartbeat, it looks for her at birth. However loving the intended parents are it’s not a nothing occurrence for that baby.

To gauge a wide range of views. I value every viewpoint, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with it. And I resent being told that I haven’t given any thought to the resultant child’s welfare and how they might feel when I’ve said again and again I have and I do. I haven’t ignored complications, I’ve taken it on board. I really appreciated the view from the poster who spoke negatively about their experience being born from surrogacy. That there are negative experiences doesn’t mean that every or most experiences are negative. I’ve looked up many studies which compare children born via surrogacy to children who aren’t as well as anecdotes online. I don’t want to be told I’m a good person and offering or not offering, or what people on MN say doesn’t change how I view my self worth. I’m not determined to go ahead. I still think having read this thread that this could be positive for my family and so I’ll do counselling with my husband, and potentially alone as well. The outcome of that could well be that it’s not right for me.

I’ve also taken on board the views from people who would have found such an offer highly offensive. I also don’t know if it’s something they’d want to persue.

My ”poor husband” was aware of and supportive of my idea well before I came to MN. No I didn’t mention him in the OP though he was definitely mentioned as being on board in an earlier draft I cut for length. I can’t remember why I made the cuts I did, though I probably though that wasn’t relevant to why I was posting on MN which is to gain a wider view of, and hopefully experiences with altruistic surrogacy. It’s clear to me that I wouldn’t go ahead if he wasn’t on board so wouldn’t even be posting. The only things I’ve said I’m determined to do next is seek counselling (with my husband) so we can work through how we feel when discussing with someone external and who will have a clearer view on how surrogacy works for the people involved than we do now.

If you are as dogmatic in RL as your are on this thread and you genuinely think that your SIL looks up you as living her “dream life” then I can guarantee that she will pass on your offer.

I think she should talk to people born from surrogacy 100%. I suppose there are less adult people to seek out to as it's a relatively new thing? I think the oldest would be in their 40s but there can't be that many who are in their 30s or 40s? I suppose also if her brother and sister in law accepted (which is highly theoretical) they could do their own research. I don't personally share your views that it's a massive trauma for the baby. Studies have shown that children born from surrogacy are well adjusted with no difference to other children. But then I guess it is a small sample size and they haven't followed them to adulthood? But I personally think in this theoretical situation the child would be well supported.
It's all very theoretical though as OP is only thinking of offering!

Some trauma can manifest itself once you become a parent. When you can’t understand how anyone can give away their baby.

How old is your SIL @MiniMischiefMakers ?

I’d struggle with the idea of having my brother’s sperm inside me tbh!

What about if you die or are disabled in the process? Have you thought about the impact of that on your own children? How would you cover your expenses if you needed lifelong care?

These may be small risks, but they involve more people than yourself, so I think it’s important to understand all possible outcomes and make appropriate plans.

I'd like to think I'd do this, in the situation you've described.
What an incredible gift.
I hope they say yes!

It's not sperm-it's a fertilised embryo!

Yes
but fact is…. It’s my bro’s sperm that fertilised it and it’s in my body.

Silly to feel squeamish about it? Yep
but squeamish all the same

So it is okay to consciously risk the mental health and happiness of a child just to fulfill someone’s need to show how altruistic they are?

All of the support in the world won’t stop the situation becoming a potential mess.

Surrogacy is never about the best interests of the child, it’s about people feeling that their wish to bring a child into the world in a potentially complex situation is the most importsnt thing.

Its potentially going to be odd for the OP’s children as well.

Right or wrong, it reads like OP is so set on making herself the centre of this little drama that she won’t be swayed by any naysayers.

I think think this is a huge decision. They may have closed the door completely and not want to reopen it now. But also how would you feel carrying their child then handing it over to them?

I do think there is a lot to think but in and of itself I don’t think it is unreasonable of you to desire to do this.

Unreasonable / silly / daft… I can think of loads of words to describe this.

Ultimately the SIL will say thanks but no thanks I would bet a lot.

Of course @MiniMischiefMakers wont come back and update us with that response!

I don’t like surrogacy but I’m amazed at the tone of this thread. OP is considering offering and working out how to be in the best place to do so, if she should at all. The pile on is unnecessary.

Because it comes across as being about the OP’s desire to be seen as altruistic and doesn’t take any account of the potential emotional minefield that the future child may have to manage.

As I said upthread, I don’t believe surrogacy is ever done for the benefit of anyone other than the adults.

My take is that she’s self aware and trying to gather information before/ if she offers.

I struggle with the the complicated issues around surrogacy, now we have more information around it. There are some tragic stories (as referenced on this thread) in more recent years.

I very nearly did it myself, for a relative who experienced infertility and failed IVF.
Heartbreaking to see, but after a lengthy discussion with the couple they refused my offer. It was mainly because of my existing children.
Relatives felt very uneasy about me risking my life; because that is a real risk and for them, it was too big a risk.

With the benefit of time passing, more knowledge around the subject and hindsight, I have no regrets. The couple's relationship did not survive but they are both content with their lives now.

I really don't think it's as simple as being a 'wonderful thing to do'
Much more complex and I have totally changed my mind about surrogacy.

OP - I wish you and your family all the best for the future

The only reason I use the word altruistic is to distinguish it from commercial surrogacy. I didn’t create the term. I don’t want to be seen as altruistic because I’m willing to carry a pregnancy on behalf of a loved one. I don’t think of myself like that and I’m a very low key person who doesn’t like a lot of attention. In an ideal world I’d be able to do this without comment positive or negative from anyone else though the nature of pregnancy means that’s not possible. I care deeply about the child, and as such I’ve read widely about it. Research is very limited but tends to show no difference in children born from surrogacy and those who aren’t. If you are firmly set in the belief that surrogacy is always very harmful to children I can see why you think that, but that’s not a viewpoint I have. I believe that surrogacy can be done with the child in mind and I wouldn’t have posted this thread if I didn’t that. Other people have different views, and the varied views are also reflected in those born of surrogacy. If all the scientific and anecdotal data pointed to harm or negative outcomes, it wouldn’t be an option but it doesn’t.

I’ve already said that I won’t be updating the thread because this thread was to gain wider perspectives of surrogacy to sort out how I feel and gain extra view points. I don’t know why you think I specifically wouldn’t update if they didn’t want to. I’ve already said several times I feel that’s the most likely response.

Jesus. I think you are getting such a hard time from some posters. You sound thoughtful, considered and kind. Wishing you all great luck. I am sure your brother will take your exceptionally lovely offer in the spirit in which it is offered even if they decide it’s not for them.

You wouldn’t though 🤷‍♀️