am I being unreasonable to offer to be a surrogate after failed IVF

[MiniMischiefMakers]

My bother and SIL have struggled with infertility for almost ten years and has come to the end of the road with IVF. After many failed transfers, they don't want to try again. They still have some high quality frozen embryos, and they've ruled out adoption. I'm in my mid thirties with a four year old and a seven month old, and I feel our family is complete. I conceived quickly both times and had healthy, uneventful pregnancies and births.

I'm seriously considering offering to be their surrogate. I understand pregnancy and birth always carry risks, but given my history I'm comfortable with them. My brother and SIL are a wonderful aunt and uncle and would make incredible parents. It would be purely altruistic, and I wouldn't want or expect any compensation. I’m a SAHM so it wouldn't affect my work. I just love them so much, I can see how much they’re hurting and want to do whatever I can to take it away. I also can’t help but feel that I’m effortlessly living their dream life and I feel some guilt over that (all on my end, they have never said or implied that at all, even when we announced our second pregnancy). It just feels so much joy could come from nine months of my life, they’d have their long awaited baby, I’d gain a niece or nephew, my children would have a cousin. It just feels right to me to offer.

I know they may well decline, having already been through so much. If I do offer, I want to be completely certain first so I'd love to hear from anyone who has been an altruistic surrogate, been born or had a baby through altruistic surrogacy, or has experience of it with family or friends.

Wanting to help them and ACTUALLY carrying a child and handing it over is different though

You might ignore the facts, but it is not helpful to say it is weird to take them into consideration- just because you have never come across the effects of maternal death doesn't mean it doesn't happen .
Ring up an insurer tell them you are pregnant, then discover how much more of a risk it is than travelling or being burgled.

Again ignore weird post

How kind, loving and generous of you ❤️
I know someone whose family members was a surrogate after similar experiences. It let them be parents to twins. In that case one of them became overly monitoring and critical of the surrogates behaviour during pregnancy in protecting, or not, their babies (twins from 2 implanted embryos). It all went fine in the end.
I’d say take care, talk it all through, rite down specifics to protect yourself, and go for it 🙂

Well, the kids would probably actually be accepting of it

It wouldn't be the narrative that "this baby is your brother" would it? It would be more like "mummy is growing your cousin for Uncle Jonny because they can't do that, so Mummy is helping. Won't it be exciting to have a cousin" etc etc

How will you explain this to your 5 year old? 'Mummy's had a baby but she gave it away to Uncle. No it's not your baby sibling. Stop calling him/her your brother/sister in front of your auntie, she gets upset. No I am not going to give your sibling away. '

Are you comfortable with putting your existing children second to a non-existent baby? As a PP has said surrogacy births have a significantly higher risk of complications - what if you are in hospital or incapacitated and can't care for your own children for weeks or months. Will the birth be on the NHS? Have you seen the state of NHS maternity services?

I can see you mean well and that you really want to do what you think is best for them.

However, I would tread extremely carefully about offering to be a surrogate.

I have a very close friend who had to have an emergency hysterectomy due to an infection from an STI. A couple of years later when she got married and was experiencing depression about not being able to get pregnant, another mutual friend of ours who had her own child offered to be her altruistic surrogate. This was completely out of the blue. All it did was remind my friend that she couldn't get pregnant whereas other women could, and it really rubbed it in for her that someone else could so casually offer to get pregnant for her when she wanted nothing more than to carry her own baby but couldn't. She told me word for word that she felt it was "rubbing salt in the wound".

I wouldn't offer unless they mention in conversation to you that they want to look at more options. Don't bring it up yourself.

My sister offered when I was feeling down over IVF chances. As it happened it worked that time but it is one of the kindest things anyone has ever said. My sister is not maternal and has never wanted children. She is an athlete and giving up competition and her level of training would have been a big thing for her. Yet she offered to do for me to have the family I want. I will have my second and last child soon but that conversation still moves me emotionally.

It may be normal to want to help, but it's also normal to develop a bond with your unborn baby and feel fiercely protective over it and have a massive hormonal response if your baby is out of your sight for more than a few moments.

It's also normal to have post natal depression, incontinence, and birth injuries. Why should the OP be encouraged to ignore some of these normal things and focus on the notion of being able to gift her brother a child, even with all the associated mental, physical, emotional, and relationship risks to the detriment of herself and her family.

I know you're trying to be kind Op but this is fraught with difficulties- what will happen if the baby is born with a disability, will they still want them, if they don't what will you do? Why don't they want to adopt, do they not want an older child or a child with problems, do they only want a newborn?
How will you cope knowing their DC is really yours and having to pretend they're not?

I disagree with all surrogacy. It’s human trafficking even if no money is exchanged. Like others have said it’s much riskier than a normal pregnancy, and you would be carrying your brothers baby with his genetics in you. Other things to consider would be how you would deal with it if you didn’t agree with how they parent?

I think your thoughts on this are incredibly loving and kind. I had 1 very medicalised birth (straight off to NICU) and one a bit easier. Having had the chance to hold my second baby skin to skin and feed her (colostrum albeit from a syringe) and comfort her simply be holding her, hearing my voice, touch etc I could never imagine the moment I could hand her over. Same for my first, she needed me so much. I'm really not a hippy earth mother but that biology, all those hormones and the way yours and your babies bodies are so intertwined is something I wouldn't needlessly disrupt. I know it happens a lot for all sorts of reasons but I couldn't do it to the baby knowing what I know having had the babies and researching this as an interest.

As if you would tell them it was their brother? Or not tell them that baby will be living with auntie and uncle etc

Kids are very tolerant of what you tell them and accepting....if you said "mummy is growing your cousin, because auntie can't grow a baby" and all through "baby will live with auntie", "auntie can't wait to be a mummy""won't it be lovely to have a new cousin"

It wouldn’t be her biological child ? I think tread carefully @MiniMischiefMakersbut ultimately a good thing to do.

I think you’re so lovely to offer vut I voted YABU because of how hard it is on the baby to be separated from the surrogate. I know you’d still be present as an aunt but as a mum you know how dependent new babies are on the person who grew them and that detachment is brutal for them, as well as you.

additionally you’ve been lucky with your existing pregnancies but none are risk free. What if you ended up with a birth injury or worst? You have your own kids to think of.

i think you’re amazing to consider it but no way would I do it sorry

5 year olds aren't idiots. Can you imagine how potentially unsettling it must be to watch your mother grow a baby - as she did with you - and then give it away?

ETA I would also suggest you talk to adult adoptees and look at the data on the trauma they have experienced growing up without their biological mother.

The baby wouldn’t be biologically ops though so it would be growing up with its biological mother

She will be the biological and legal mother. She grew and gave birth to the baby.

People on mumsnet don't seem to get this nuance though! They are rabidly anti surrogacy in all circumstances, which isn't an attitude I've encountered in real life at all. OP I suggest you post elsewhere to get a more balanced view.

What does DH think?

I think its a massive decision and for me i would wonder what if i and/or my DH got attached. How would it impact my family and marriage - the pregnacy hormones and risks can add strange and its harder if thats for a child you give up

But I do see how it could help your family and its wonderful youre even considering it

@MiniMischiefMakersakroher c section is needed and is not recommended more than 2/3 so your poor body will take ages to heal and more chance of complications.

question is do you want another? Surely a vasectomy should have happened a long time ago how. Where do you even find time for sex with 4 kids

all with additional needs the odds are not in your favour for a healthy child

What, is that true?! What an incredibly patronising archaic law!
So if I have an affair, get pregnant, tell my husband and have the baby, he will automatically go on the birth certificate? That cannot possibly be logical.

Of course it's logical. It stops husbands disowning their children.

I know your heart is very much in the right place, but I really wouldn’t.

I was a surrogate baby, OP. I will say, it's a very tricky emotional road to navigate.

I admire your obvious love and compassion for their situation.

I just think....it's a complicated thing. And actually everyone always focuses on the intended parents and their wishes. Some focus goes on the birth mother and her health. But very very little consideration is given to the child.

That may sound strange, given that the whole set-up is because of the want for a child. But to unpack that, it's about the WANT for a child, not the child themselves. It's just a given that any child will be loved and that love is enough. When the truth is that that child has had a complicated birth story. Even in the best managed situations, it throws up stuff. My adopted mum wanted me more than anything and she loved me for sure, but there is a sense in which I was willed into being, by any means possible - indeed, even using another woman's body I was then removed from - and.....it's hard to articulate it but I have struggled with it, for sure.

And then there are challenges around hormones and giving a newborn away, a weird potential dynamic if you disagree with parenting choices down the line...you think you won't, but you might. And it could alter your whole relationship with them.