am I being unreasonable to offer to be a surrogate after failed IVF

[MiniMischiefMakers]

My bother and SIL have struggled with infertility for almost ten years and has come to the end of the road with IVF. After many failed transfers, they don't want to try again. They still have some high quality frozen embryos, and they've ruled out adoption. I'm in my mid thirties with a four year old and a seven month old, and I feel our family is complete. I conceived quickly both times and had healthy, uneventful pregnancies and births.

I'm seriously considering offering to be their surrogate. I understand pregnancy and birth always carry risks, but given my history I'm comfortable with them. My brother and SIL are a wonderful aunt and uncle and would make incredible parents. It would be purely altruistic, and I wouldn't want or expect any compensation. I’m a SAHM so it wouldn't affect my work. I just love them so much, I can see how much they’re hurting and want to do whatever I can to take it away. I also can’t help but feel that I’m effortlessly living their dream life and I feel some guilt over that (all on my end, they have never said or implied that at all, even when we announced our second pregnancy). It just feels so much joy could come from nine months of my life, they’d have their long awaited baby, I’d gain a niece or nephew, my children would have a cousin. It just feels right to me to offer.

I know they may well decline, having already been through so much. If I do offer, I want to be completely certain first so I'd love to hear from anyone who has been an altruistic surrogate, been born or had a baby through altruistic surrogacy, or has experience of it with family or friends.

very sad situation your brother and his wife are in. but It's such a huge decision for you. It is remarkable thing to do. I personally couldn't carry a child for 9 months then give it to someone else. I think the biggest things would be what if you change your mind and how would you feel seeing your birth child on a regular basis but having no input in its upbringing.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but be very careful in this offer. You don’t know their feelings on it, and don’t know how they would react. Make sure you and your partner know what this would entail for you both before you make any decision, then offer only when you are comfortable as a family.

FWIW I think this is a very lovely thing to do, but you just need to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons, not out of guilt. And remember that it may be incredibly difficult to live so close to someone you gave birth to, so get lots of advice from people who have done it to make sure you are really mentally able to cope with it before going on the journey.

It’s a generous and lovely thing to even think of. Please talk through with someone impartial- counsellor, even chat gpt! As there are lots of moving parts and potential scenarios.

I don’t have any personal experience to share but I wanted to say this is an incredibly loving and generous thing to offer, even if they decide it isn’t the right route for them. I don’t think you are being unreasonable but just make sure you explore the legal, emotional and medical implications first. Maybe there’s a charity that can offer advice to people in your situation? If after doing that you do genuinely feel it is something you would be happy to do, you can always gently let them know the offer is there and that you’ve really through it too. It’s an extraordinarily generous thing to even think of xx

Before you make this offer, go do some reading on the research about the increased risks to the egg not coming from the woman carrying the pregnancy.

Pregnancy is risky. Surrogacy is a different kind of risk.

This could be you.

www.progress.org.uk/surrogate-dies-in-childbirth/

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0378378224001415

here is one article on the phenomenon of mismatched genetics.

Yes, I’d have done the same thing in the same circumstances.

Me too.

Your body, your choice.

And as the child’s aunt, you will still be very much in their life.

In your position, having had healthy low risk pregnancies and a SAHM so it won’t affect work, I would do it. As pp says you’ll be the aunt so you’ll be in their life and it’s a wonderful thing to do for your family.

I'd only mention it to your brother as an option to think over, not directly to SIL. It's a huge consideration and needs to be done really gently. Some women see the child as a goal and don't mind how it gets here, others would be really troubled by the "failiure" of not being able to carry their own child and couldn't face having another woman carry for them. And similarly, you being family would be s massive bonus to some, but others may prefer an "arms-length" arrangement where the surrogate is not involved after the child is born.

Tread really carefully on this.

I am against commercial surrogacy but I think altruistic surrogacy can be a lovely thing. I couldn't do it myself because I had high risk pregnancies but if you are good at being pregnant then go for it!

You make no reference to what your partner thinks

which is bloody weird

Thats such a kind thing to do

Chat GPT should in no way be compared to counselling.

I almost died giving birth to my daughter (mid 20s). No prior risks. I wouldn’t want to be a surrogate and risk my life. Your children could grow up without their mum.

If you truly want to go ahead then this is one of the few scenarios where surrogacy is not hideously unethical and it would be a wonderful thing to do. However you do need to think about a few things very carefully. Every pregnancy carries some risk - thankfully due to modern medicine your chances of dying from pregnancy complications are very very low but they are not zero. If you were to choose to add a third child to your own family then taking that risk to create a new life is just a normal part of motherhood but the equation is slightly different if you are taking a (small) risk that could leave your children growing up motherless for the benefit of their aunt and uncle. It's not necessarily a reason not to offer but you do need to think responsibly about what's going to happen in that worst case scenario. You also need to think carefully about what's going to happen if you conceive this surrogate pregnancy and then find out at 20 weeks that there's some severe disability or developmental complication?

You'll also need to think about attachment and how to reduce the baby's trauma - they will spend about 5 months (from about 18 week pg) hearing your voice and developing a secure attachment to that sound. It is genuinely a very kind thing to want to help you brother and SIL to be parents but the needs of the children are more important than the desires of the grownups so make sure you are prioritising both your existing children and the wellbeing of this potential future child above facilitating the desires of adults.

How does your husband feel? I know someone who did this and both couples had to undergo counselling beforehand to make sure everyone was on the same page. It worked out well and the child is now 10 years old.

It’s a wonderful thing to offer, but how would it work genetically if you’re carrying your brother’s child?

The part that concerns me is, “I also can’t help but feel that I’m effortlessly living their dream life and I feel some guilt over that (all on my end, they have never said or implied that at all, even when we announced our second pregnancy).” Whatever you decide, it isn’t your responsibility or obligation to give them the child they’re hoping for. Be careful that the decision doesn’t come from a place of guilt or self-sacrifice. The best of luck.

What does your DH think?

Bear in mind if you do it and it works out they may want you to do it a second time. Or even a third. Would you be up for it?

Oh yes - that particular sentence was bloody weird

The fact the Op doesn’t even mention her partner indicates to me that either it’s made up or the OP probably isn’t the best candidate to be anyone’s surrogate

Would you have been able to give away either of your current children? Even if your brother really wanted one? And do you think either of them would have been ok if they were taken away from you at birth?

No way. I find surrogacy wrong whatever circumstances. I am not going to details because it would be very long.
Life doesn't deal same cards to everyone. What seems like a difficult obstacle can just mean that's not a way for that person. It's just weird that people seem to think that life must go how they planned and there is always a way to fix it.
Obviously your brother and his wife don't want a child so much that they would adopt. They already made a choice.
It's too people pleasing behaviour to offer to be a surrogate
and too exploitative to accept an offer like that.
Sometimes you don't get what you want. Life.