DS wants to quit his expensive hobbies but DH says absolutely not

[MauveBiscuit]

ds is 12, year 8, and has told us he wants to quit both his hobbies. dh has said absolutely not. these aren’t £20 a month clubs either, they are swimming and motocross and we have spent a stupid amount on both. I agree with ds that he should be allowed to stop, which is why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. dh thinks I’m teaching him that he can give up when something gets difficult. We’ve had argument about it tonight and I don’t know what the right thing is.

ds genuinely did choose both of these and loved them, so it’s not us forcing him into something he never wanted. He started swimming at 7 because he was obsessed with being in the water, then lessons became squad training and eventually competitions. He was really excited by it all. Motocross started at 10 after dh took him to watch a friend’s son race and ds was completely hooked. He watched racing videos, talked about bikes constantly and couldn’t wait for race days. So I’m not pretending he’s always hated them.

I only added up the money recently and nearly choked tbh. Swimming and squad stuff is about £185 a month, then probably £70-100 petrol getting to meets, sometimes more. Motocross averages around £160 a month before bike parts and bike bits, tyres, race entries and all the kit. Wetsuits, goggles, boots, helmets, fuel, things that need replacing etc. We’ve had a couple of nights away for swimming too. I reckon £7-8k over the last two years, although some equipment could be sold. dh isn’t normally reckless with money, which is why this argument is awkward.

Over the last six months ds has got reluctant. First it was that he was tired, then he started missing training, then he didn’t want to race. Now he says he doesn’t enjoy either. He sits in the car before swimming and asks how long he’s got left. Before motocross he gets tense if dh starts talking about the next race. He’s not refusing everything though. He goes to school, sees friends, plays football in the park and plays his xbox. It’s these two things he doesn’t want at the moment really.

dh says ds is 12 and doesn’t know what he wants. He thinks children reach a point where something gets boring and that we shouldn’t teach him quitting is the answer. He says ds could regret giving them up. He’s told him you don’t have to love everything you do and that we’ve made sacrifices for him. I really agree with perseverance though. I’m not against finishing things after a bad week. But ds has been doing swimming for years and motocross for two, and this really doesn’t feel like one bad week anymore.

What is getting to me is dh keeps saying “the money we’ve wasted”. I understand why he says it. It is a lot of money. But I don’t think ds should have to keep going just because we’ve already spent it. dh says if he quits now then all that money will have been wasted. I keep saying the money has already gone, whether ds swims on Saturday or not. I know that sounds easy when it isn’t just my money either. I earn less than dh and I know it.

We aren’t struggling, but we’re not sitting on thousands for hobbies either. We’ve got the mortgage, two cars because of work, bills and dd’s things. We could keep paying for this, but I’d rather put some of the money towards a holiday together, savings or replacing my car which is getting ancient. dh says we’d only waste it on something else. He’s not being horrible, he genuinely thinks paying for things and sticking at them teaches ds something. I just think there comes a point where you’re paying to make a child miserable.

dh has suggested he finishes the current season. ds has already said he doesn’t want to compete anymore. dh says we can’t pull him out halfway through after paying membership and buying everything. Yesterday ds asked me if I could “just tell Dad I don’t want to do it anymore”. That got to me tonight and it upset me a lot. I really don’t want him feeling like he has to ask me to fight his corner, but I also don’t want to ignore what he’s actually saying.

dd has even said ds should be allowed to stop because “it’s his hobby”. She’s 9 and I’ve told her she’s not getting involved or taking sides. dh says that both children will learn they can give up. we could sell motocross stuff and get some money back, but dh doesn’t want to. He says ds might change his mind and then we’d have to buy everything again. I don’t know if keeping a bike and all the kit just in case makes sense to me tbh.

I’ve told dh I’m willing to pay ds’s remaining swimming fees for now if we need to, but I don’t want to keep paying for motocross if he genuinely doesn’t want it. dh says I’m undermining him and ds will learn nothing about commitment. is 12 old enough to say an expensive hobby he once loved isn’t for him? Especially when we’ve already spent the money. I really don’t know what to do about any of it at all.

It’s hard when kids want to step away from a hobby. We went through similar.

My dd did 4 days a week at Gymnastics on the squad. At the age of 14 she decided she wanted to give it up completely and I’m not going to lie, it was hard. She won two lots of gold at her last competition. She had a few weeks off and then she started missing it but not enough to do it competitively so now she does a teen session which she loves. The spark has returned even if she has hung up her competition hand guards for now.

My Dd also does dance. At the age of 12 she wanted to give it up and at the time we persuaded her to keep at it as she was and still is extremely talented. I don’t regret this as she is still dancing and is considering a degree in dance and choreography.

So an adult can stop hobbies but a child can't?

Op havent RTET but has the concept of sunk cost fallacy been mentioned? You haven’t wasted money it’s been fun it’s helped DS grow gave him and dad time together and he made friends. Don’t fall into the trap of accelerating commitment….continuing to go the wrong way because you have already gone so far.

with concern….motocross is dangerous with high risk of injury? What if your DS was injured…seriously life impairing injury doing a sport he had asked to stop doing? This would be devastating for all of you and possibly marriage ending.

some patients really live in my mind. I took care of a young man in his 20s who was paraplegic post motor bike accident. The family had a “pit” like course like a bowl where he rode up and down the sides and did racing and tricks. They filled it in because his mum had a bad dream about the pit. He stopped racing for awhile but was encouraged by his dad (parents divorced) to go back to competing and he was injured in a wreck. Never saw or met the dad but mum was there the whole time. Sweet polite handsome young man confined to a wheelchair for always.

My Dad forced me to do a specific sport and when I wanted to quit would go on about the money spent. My mum would try and stick up for me and then I would agree to carry on as I didn't want to be a cause of their rows. This has resulted in me struggling to have a voice as an adult because I wasn't allowed one as a child. I am effectively a push over and struggle with conflict.
Now I can understand not allowing your son to move from one expensive hobby to the next and keep changing his mind in future but if your husband wants to have a good relationship with your son as he gets older he needs to take a real hard look at his actions.

I can’t believe kids are forced into hobbies they are begging not to do. Sounds like his dad is getting more out of it and making it about his wants.

You seem to be scared of your DH and telling him no for fear of a massive row which means he is a bully.

I read the part where your DS has been reluctant for the past 6 months on both of the sport.

I don't think you realise how dangerous this is. He could seriously injure himself and he may actually do it on purpose so he doesn't have to do either of them anymore.

I think you really do have to stand up for your son here and protect him

I’m sure you’re perfect in every degree
Except maybe human relations

dh keeps saying “the money we’ve wasted”

This is so odd.

You’ve wasted no money.

A hobby is a hobby. If your son has been excelling, enjoying and making friends whilst doing these sports then it’s the exact opposite of a waste.

If you continue to force him to keep doing these things when he clearly doesn’t want to then that will be a waste. A waste of money and a waste of all your time.

Swimming - a skill your son will never forget how to do. Sure he might not compete again, but if he wants to swim in the future for fitness or just fun then he can do so.

Same with the motocross. A skill he’s learnt. He can keep his bike and gear and go out riding when he wants. If you sell the stuff there’s nothing stopping him from buying more when he gets older.

Let him quit. Dont be hard on him. He’s a kid. He deserves freedom and a choice before he’s tied down with studies and a job in the not so distant future. 6 years. In just 6 years he will be an adult and won’t have time to enjoy being a kid again. Let him live.

My Daughter did a hobby for years and competed at a high level and she got sick of it and I told her the minute she didn't enjoy it, she was free to choose to stop because to me a hobby is supposed to be enjoyable. She quit age 13 and went back at 18 and now has so much passion for it. Had I forced her to continue I know she would have lost any love for it, in fact her friend was forced to continue and now hates it and will not consider trying it again as an adult.

All forcing him to do it will do is make him absolutely dislike it. You are also teaching your Daughter to never take up anything as she will not be allowed to quit, therefore she is better to never find a passion so she isnt forced to stick at it.

Your Husband clearly is thinking about himself more than either of your kids so this is the point where you need to step in and put the kids first. Who on earth benefits from him being forced to do something every week, what is your Husband hoping to achieve? Because all it will teach your son is his feelings dont matter and your Husbands wants are more important.

I could always tell the kids who loved the sport and the ones who were being forced by their parents and you could see they were miserable, I just dont ever understand dragging your kids to competitions and classes just because they dared try something and now don't have the right to change their mind.

Your dh sounds a bit like a male version of a 'stage mum' only male , and with hobbies. Your DS probably feels pressured into doing it by his dad, dad digging his heels in has sucked the joy out of it & put distance between them . There's a find balance with kids and your son willk soon be a teenager testing every boundary imaginable, dh needs to learn that authoritarian parenting will no longer work (he's nearly that age...at 12) on its own and negotiating is often needed as well as boubdaries. Kids will lose interest in things...he's done swimming for 5 years or so & motocross for 2. That's not giving in when it gets hard, that's giving it a good old go and deciding he now wants to do something else. Good luck op.

I don't think either of you are wrong as such.

I have three kids older than your son. I've found with all of them, that is the age they want to drop things. Sometimes it's because the genuinely lose interest, or once it is more serious or competitive it's not fun. Or they are too busy and over scheduled .

But it's not always because they really don't enjoy them. It can also be because the are feeling self conscious, are being lazy, have FOMO, or have a budding video game addiction.

My two eldest wanted to drop music lessons at that she. They both went on to study it at the post secondary level. And are glad they didn't give it up.

It's a hard line to walk. I think I would avoid letting him drop everything and just hang out in his room. So maybe keep one activity. Or pick up a new one. Some kids don't want a hobby that is so serious and competitive.

But maybe a compromise with your husband is reasonable? Maybe drop one and finish out the year with the other?

Hobbies are meant to be fun. His hobbies were fun but now they aren’t any more. The money isn’t wasted as he has enjoyed doing them. Most children don’t end up doing their childhood hobbies long term especially ones their parents are invested in. Your husband sounds overinvested in his son’s hobby. He has had a few years of them and has now had enough. Pushing endless competitions for reflected glory needs to stop too. Your husband needs to find his own hobbies

I'd try maintaining the activities but stop the competing for 6-12 months. Training to compete becomes a job and if that is the only time you do the activity, it sucks the life out of it. Fanging around on a dirt bike with no ulterior motive is fun. Riding everyday to train for the next comp isn't fun. I competed horses. Weekday rides were training but weekends, when not competing, were for going bush or to the beach and having a good gallop. Fun for both of us.

Cant you agree to stop then competitions and intense training that comes with it but still keep the bike initally for fun and that he still has to do exercise whether thats swimming for fun/routine but without all the pressure?

What does DH deem as "being finished"? Being realistic the chances of hobby's turning into careers are very slim. What does DH perception of forcing your son to carry on think is going to happen for him?

Your DH needs to get his head out of his arse. He is going to cause more damage than good and it's already on the causing damage path.

It just needs to be explained to your DS, that if he does change his mind it isn't easy to get back in. Not competing in motocross but being able to do it for fun should be the compromise. He may want to compete again later on.

I had to carry a hobby on that I wasn't enjoying around the same age and in the end I just refused to go to the lesson so money was wasted. Your DS will resent both of you. You really need to advocate for him. Your DH is being incredibly controlling.

Your DH is bullying your DS here. You need to find your backbone and help DS to stand to him. DH really is risking his future relationship with DS if he continues with this bollocks.

Let DS quit if he wants to. He's telling you both very clearly that this is no longer for him and he has given both a really good go. He can find something else perhaps less onerous to pursue.

What is DH going to do if one day DS just refuses to get into the car or onto the bike? Physically manhandle him and force him? That really won't work.

When will DS be allowed to quit this grindstone and just be allowed to be the child that he still is? He will soon have the pressure of increasing schoolwork and GCSEs to contend with too so this external pressure from his Dad can't be allowed to continue.

It sounds to me like your DH might be of a much more competitive nature than DS really is. These types of people don't seem to get that others just want to enjoy the sport at a non competitive level without the pressure of training madly and being in a squad. They really can suck the joy out of something that was previously enjoyable.

Your DH needs to back off. He is in danger of doing this to DS, or indeed has quite probably already done it.

Hobbies aren’t an investment with ROI. They’re supposed to be fun.

I agree with you. This doesn’t seem like quitting quickly or based off a bad result etc. the compromises of stopping competitions or one of them could be an option. Or replacing with another light local hobby just to keep some routine and activity in the week
i played a sport seriously as a child that i began to enjoy less - maybe due to the intensity of the training or my dads reaction to losing. He’d sometimes ask me if I wanted to stop but I was also well aware if how much it cost and felt unable to be honest with him due to that ‘waste of money’ concept. He was a great dad in other ways but the feelings are still quite strong about it, including about my mum who I don’t think agreed with it but didn’t (in my eyes) protect me from it or stand up for me.

Dd started karate at age 7. By 12 she was hit and miss with it. We did chat about it being important seeing things through but at the end of the day you cant make a teenager turn up twice a week and do something they dont want to do.
Couple of years later she went back, stayed until she got her black belt but has now called it a day.
Yr 7/8 is when they make new friends and become more independent.

I started hobbies with enthusiasm and quit when I was bored a few times (ADHD) and my parents had the same argument that you are having- my mum wanted to let me and my dad was very rigid and forced me to stick it out (autistic).

It didn’t make me enjoy the hobbies any more, and it made me like my dad less- and eventually I’d completely burn out anyway as I’d be totally overwhelmed with having to do something I (by that point) hated.

If your son isn’t ND then it might not go the same way, but that was my experience. I’m team let him quit.

He really needs to be able to quit.... It's not some passing fad...hes done both for a whack of time and now he wants to stop.

Your DH bullying him, says more about your DH....

These are obvs HIS DREAMS, no longer your son's!

Many years ago I knew of a young lad who was a gifted, hothoused swimmer.... His dad was obsessive, unpleasant and a difficult character... The son liked it from 7-10...but HATED the competitive side...
By 14 He was on some sort of elite training programme woth a view to commonwealth games... He'd won all the regional and was a rising national champion...

The son got heartily sick of the daily:... Rising at 4am for training starts...and the obsessive training and diet restrictions... And Around being at school and wanted to be a normal teen. His mum was desperate for him to be allowed to give up... It did not end well and the poor lad ended up woth some prettt unpleasant mental health difficulties...

He did give it up by GCSE year... But he hated his dad for all the bullying.

Has mummy and daddy give you PTSD?

Oh dear, your poor son. Competitive sport is just the worst thing in the world if you don't have the heart for it. It sounds as if the motocross has become a core part of your husband's life, and without it, he wouldn't know what to do with himself or how to have a relationship with his son. And you're in an incredibly difficult position.

If your son gives up the sport and then regrets it, he can always take it up again, so that's a very weak argument against quitting.

Naturally you want to protect your son, but this is really between him and his dad. Doing the motocross isn't actually harming him; he just doesn't want to do it. The only thing it's really going to harm is his relationship with his father.

It's not your job here to pick sides, but to be the mediator. Keep reminding them both of that as they continue to butt heads.

To me, swimming is a life skill. It sounds like he’s already proficient though, so as long as he can confidently swim 200m, I’d let him stop.

The motor cross, Id treat a little differently. Definitely stop the competitions and just switch to a fun ride somewhere one a month.

I would however make him replace one activity. I think it’s important for teens to do some really physical activities city, so I’d be asking your son what he plans to do instead for his physical and mental health. This doesn’t have to be a lot, maybe two gym seasons a week, or a judo lesson and one gym session or run a week.

Teens need to have things that help keep them physically and mentally healthy, but these things don’t need to cost a lot.