DS wants to quit his expensive hobbies but DH says absolutely not

[MauveBiscuit]

ds is 12, year 8, and has told us he wants to quit both his hobbies. dh has said absolutely not. these aren’t £20 a month clubs either, they are swimming and motocross and we have spent a stupid amount on both. I agree with ds that he should be allowed to stop, which is why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. dh thinks I’m teaching him that he can give up when something gets difficult. We’ve had argument about it tonight and I don’t know what the right thing is.

ds genuinely did choose both of these and loved them, so it’s not us forcing him into something he never wanted. He started swimming at 7 because he was obsessed with being in the water, then lessons became squad training and eventually competitions. He was really excited by it all. Motocross started at 10 after dh took him to watch a friend’s son race and ds was completely hooked. He watched racing videos, talked about bikes constantly and couldn’t wait for race days. So I’m not pretending he’s always hated them.

I only added up the money recently and nearly choked tbh. Swimming and squad stuff is about £185 a month, then probably £70-100 petrol getting to meets, sometimes more. Motocross averages around £160 a month before bike parts and bike bits, tyres, race entries and all the kit. Wetsuits, goggles, boots, helmets, fuel, things that need replacing etc. We’ve had a couple of nights away for swimming too. I reckon £7-8k over the last two years, although some equipment could be sold. dh isn’t normally reckless with money, which is why this argument is awkward.

Over the last six months ds has got reluctant. First it was that he was tired, then he started missing training, then he didn’t want to race. Now he says he doesn’t enjoy either. He sits in the car before swimming and asks how long he’s got left. Before motocross he gets tense if dh starts talking about the next race. He’s not refusing everything though. He goes to school, sees friends, plays football in the park and plays his xbox. It’s these two things he doesn’t want at the moment really.

dh says ds is 12 and doesn’t know what he wants. He thinks children reach a point where something gets boring and that we shouldn’t teach him quitting is the answer. He says ds could regret giving them up. He’s told him you don’t have to love everything you do and that we’ve made sacrifices for him. I really agree with perseverance though. I’m not against finishing things after a bad week. But ds has been doing swimming for years and motocross for two, and this really doesn’t feel like one bad week anymore.

What is getting to me is dh keeps saying “the money we’ve wasted”. I understand why he says it. It is a lot of money. But I don’t think ds should have to keep going just because we’ve already spent it. dh says if he quits now then all that money will have been wasted. I keep saying the money has already gone, whether ds swims on Saturday or not. I know that sounds easy when it isn’t just my money either. I earn less than dh and I know it.

We aren’t struggling, but we’re not sitting on thousands for hobbies either. We’ve got the mortgage, two cars because of work, bills and dd’s things. We could keep paying for this, but I’d rather put some of the money towards a holiday together, savings or replacing my car which is getting ancient. dh says we’d only waste it on something else. He’s not being horrible, he genuinely thinks paying for things and sticking at them teaches ds something. I just think there comes a point where you’re paying to make a child miserable.

dh has suggested he finishes the current season. ds has already said he doesn’t want to compete anymore. dh says we can’t pull him out halfway through after paying membership and buying everything. Yesterday ds asked me if I could “just tell Dad I don’t want to do it anymore”. That got to me tonight and it upset me a lot. I really don’t want him feeling like he has to ask me to fight his corner, but I also don’t want to ignore what he’s actually saying.

dd has even said ds should be allowed to stop because “it’s his hobby”. She’s 9 and I’ve told her she’s not getting involved or taking sides. dh says that both children will learn they can give up. we could sell motocross stuff and get some money back, but dh doesn’t want to. He says ds might change his mind and then we’d have to buy everything again. I don’t know if keeping a bike and all the kit just in case makes sense to me tbh.

I’ve told dh I’m willing to pay ds’s remaining swimming fees for now if we need to, but I don’t want to keep paying for motocross if he genuinely doesn’t want it. dh says I’m undermining him and ds will learn nothing about commitment. is 12 old enough to say an expensive hobby he once loved isn’t for him? Especially when we’ve already spent the money. I really don’t know what to do about any of it at all.

So because it will be wasted money he can never quit till what,18? If you use that argument, the longer he’s forced to carry on, the more money will be wasted on something he once liked many years ago.

Money spent on hobbies is never wasted. Did he want him to become an Olympian to make it worthwhile? Doing healthy activities, socialising, keeping fit, learning perseverance etc are all good outcomes. Stopping an activity after an extended period of time doesn't take away from that. Perhaps say he needs to find something else, maybe need to try 2 or 3 different things. They can just be hobbies without competing though. What about archery, triathlon, climbing?

I do a bit of holiday work in a local centre that hosts our large town's main swim club. I see the pre-teens and teens traipse in, with large bags of kit, floats and all sorts, and not one of them looks keen to be there. Then they often do "land training" as well! Strength and conditioning stuff.

But like with all sports, only a tiny percentage are ever going to go on to actually achieve anything significant in the sport. And I think once they realise that, the early mornings and the other sacrifices stop feeling worth it.

Like others have said, kids sport is never a wasted endeavor, but no kids hobby has to last forever.

The same was true for me and violin. My mum had learnt the violin as a child/teenager, and was keen for both my sister and I to take up instruments. I did the violin every week between the ages of 7 and 16. I also went to Saturday morning music school EVERY term time Saturday during those years. I enjoyed playing in the groups there, and being with my friends, and competing in competitions. But I never really enjoyed the practicing or the lessons. BUT, while at music school, we got a chance to try other groups, and I did choir. And choir turned into a life-long hobby that I still enjoy to this day.

Yes it’s the sunk cost fallacy in action

@MauveBiscuit you got me thinking about this and so I tried searching for what a child feels like and this article came up. Sounds like DS is overwhelmed and doesn’t get much down time and really has had enough. The only way DS is likely to get back to enjoying those hobbies is to take the pressure off (he’s not just giving up - he’s done a lot of time and competitively). Have a look at this, or similar (sorry about the article title but one of the first points is ‘not listening to your child’ which describes DH):

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/children-british-psychological-society-b1828920.html

I would want him to finish the season if it's a team he'd be letting down or if I paid upfront. But after that I'd let him quit.

I, and other I know, do competitive sport. It's not for everyone. Training is intense and time demanding. Competing can be psychologically hard. I've been burned out before. I know people who did competitive gymnastics as children and tbh I really don't think there's any point in making them do that if their heart's not in it. They won't succeed and will just be miserable. But the ex-gymnasts have now found other sports they love more - diving, underwater hockey, skateboarding and surfing. Their gymnastics training was definitely not wasted. I don't think learning anything as a child is a waste.

I wouldn't let him quit and sit on his x-box all day, but I'd let him try other things. Football team with his mates - maybe he's more of a team sports person than a solo sports person. Underwater hockey. Water polo. Or martial arts, or something not competitive like cubs. I tried all sorts of things in my childhood before finding the one I wanted to do in adulthood.

Can you help him find a sport where his swimming ability is really useful? I was a competitive swimmer, but as a PP says, it’s long and hard training with only a few making it to the top, and there’s many who top out at this point. Other sports such as water polo, underwater hockey, triathlon also lifesaving are great for ex-swimmers. Even if he doesn’t do anything with the swimming, the self discipline, hard work, ability to take instruction are all skills he will use elsewhere in sport and in life.

Diving is also really fun.

To be fair this would probably put both him and his sister off trying anything else as they have learned that if they dont enjoy it, it will tough and they will be forced to stick with it. All its teaching them is dont give something a go or you will be forced to stick with it. Rather than teaching not to give up, could have the opposite effect of dont try in the first place.

I was going to raise the matter of increased school work before I spotted that others already had! The amount of personal study will ramp up considerably when he starts considering GCSE options, and apart from the activities themselves, you need to factor in all the time travelling and training. From what you relate about your conversations with him, that is what has been getting him down. Maybe he just wanted to enjoy them, enjoyed improving his skills in both areas, but didn't relish the ruthless competition.
It's not been a waste of time and money; he's given both a fair go, he has acquired skills which will stay with him, and he's not been allowed to flit thoughtlessly. Perhaps if he was allowed to take a break and catch his breath, he might miss either, or both, of his own accord. Your husband might find this easier to accept.

Hobbies are supposed to be activities one enjoys doing. Your son doesn't enjoy his hobbies, he no longer finds them enjoyable. It's okay to outgrow activities you once found enjoyable. Given that his dad is very obviously vicariously living through his son, I suspect your husband sucked all the fun out. He's not like that with your daughter and her dance. Your husband is bullying your son past burnout to fulfill his own needs and your son's well-being isn't front and center like it should be. That's not teaching him anything healthy. That's toxic.

I notice your daughter gave her opinion and you basically told her to butt out. Of course she can have an opinion on something that affects her brother. Even at her young age she can see this isn't right. Do you not want her to express herself when it comes to how your husband treats his kids? That's pretty controlling and your husband has some control issues of his own this has exposed.

Are you going to support your son?

I would let him quit. I was made to do sports every day after school, plus weekends, up until I was 16... and I wasn't a sporty child. It was only then that I was permitted to quit, so I gave up everything and despised sports of all kinds for a long time.

My neighbours insisted their daughter carry on with gymnastics. Sure, she was good at it, and won many competitions, but she hated it for years until she hit 16 and left.

School takes up so much of your life, and sometimes you need time to yourself. If your DS has been swimming since 7, he's learnt a life skill. He's unlikely to become an Olympiad in either sport, if he's not keen, so I'd let him quit. Would he prefer to try a different hobby, or just have a break from everything for now?

All kids go through a massive change in year 7 and so do their hobbies.

Why not let him drop motocross (expensive, dangerous) if his nerve has gone and redirect his obvious swimming ability into e.g. lifeguard training

What does his dad think he will get out of it?

I also think you should see what he thinks of doing it without the competition/racing side of it.

I had loads of hobbies as a kid and people would definitely have said of me that I was a quitter, but it was only because every single hobby turned into a competition! Art classes turned into a competition to be displayed on the wall, gymnastics turned it competing with other schools in an end of year showcase, tennis turned into competing and everyone having a "rank", etc. All I wanted to do was the actual hobby, not compete against a bunch of other people and have loads of pressure. Perhaps your son is similar!

The DS has already said he would continue without competing but his Dad wouldn’t countenance it

I don't understand your DH's POV at all.

Aren't hobbies things that kids try out to work out what their interests and passions are? Lots will go by the wayside, but some may stick into adulthood. I've spent a lot on hobbies and clubs for my DC, and some have stuck while many of them have been dropped after a term (often after buying expensive uniforms or equipment🙄). But that's surely just the way of it... kids try something, they enjoy it for a bit and then they get fed up with it and try something else. Very few children will manage to make successful careers out of their hobbies, it's doing well at school and keeping your options open academically that is important. Hobbies are there for recreation, enjoyment, exercise and social skills... all important but the benefits don't depend on doing a particular hobby or even being particularly good at it.

The 'rule' I have for my DC's hobbies is that they have to do at least one team sport, do something active three times a week (but that can be the playground) and then try one different thing on top of that. But they're younger than your DC and so the pressures of school aren't the same. I'd probably drop the team sport requirement for secondary unless it was a passion, although I think this is good for primary kids.

I’d let one go and see how it goes. I’d be worried he wants to spend his time doing things that aren’t as good for him - ie glued to a screen. Maybe time to try a new hobby or activity?

Ugh, everybody else has covered the main points but yes, your DH is being very very unreasonable, and pushy, and self-centered in not seeing another perspective on this.

Yes Y8 is peak time for dropping hobbies, and I would be clear that dropping hobbies does not equal more time staring at his phone for example, that he has to find other things in his life that will be meaningful and worthwhile. However, doing either of those activities non-competitively is completely fine, and healthy, if it's the pressure and relentlessness of competition.

I think the conversation here is between you and your DH about his approach and attitude to this situation, rather than with your DS.

Yeah, this would be my worry with letting go of the hobbies altogether. I'd probably ask him to pick new hobbies rather than giving them up.

Hobbies are supposed to be fun. It doesn't sound like he's a potential world champion at either sports, and it would be very unusual for someone to excel at two very different disciplines, so it's not like he's giving up the chance of this, that could be a waste.

But the money that's been spent has been the cost of participation, not investment in a future world champion so not wasted as such and it doesn't sound like he's chopped and changed every so often, he's stuck at both for at least a couple of years.

So you should let him quit, but encourage him if he shows an interest in something else. The motorbike gear can always be sold and you can buy second hand kit for future hobbies if needed. In a couple of years he'll be needing to concentrate on his GCSEs and he doesn't need that on top of two intensive sports and going through puberty.

If DH wants to get into motorcross, he can always do it himself.

I'd tell him he needs to see out the period of time that's already been prepaid (and is not refundable) for each activity, unless there's some compelling reason to stop - e.g., he's being bullied, or he has a new condition or injury that makes things painful. The "lesson" to be learned here is to think things through before committing, not afterwards. Use common sense - if it's a full year and he's going to be miserable, it may not be worth it - but I'd still stress to him that this is an exception and he needs to think things through more carefully in the future.

But beyond that I would forget about the money invested; you paid for him to have the training and experiences he has had, not for him necessarily to compete at a high level or even to have the activity as lifelong hobby. I'd keep the gear for a bit to see if he wants to rejoin but after a year or so if there's no interest look at selling or trading it in.

Also he is coming to the teen years where he wants to hang with his friends and begin to have freedom. My son competed competively swimming and gave up about this age. It’s normal for them to potentially want to give up organised activities. He only has a few years until the stress of GCSEs. He will resent his parents if it is forced on him. Yes you have spent a lot of money but that made him happy and is a good investment

DH is being controlling. I would risk the massive row and tell him DS is stopping and should be allowed to make his own choices by this age. Especially when it's something dangerous like motocross.

He’s not really asking to quit, he’s done it for such a long time! I don’t think it’s very reasonable to expect someone to stick to a hobby that they chose at seven or 10 forever! It would be ideal if you could do them in a less competitive way. I think the money hasn’t been wasted because he’s done it and enjoyed it up to now. I don’t think there’s much point in forcing him to continue.