AIBU to refuse the back seat when giving my MIL a lift?

[Frontseat]

MIL expects lifts . Fair enough dh obliges.

Sometimes I’m with him as while she’s in an appt we get other jobs done/shopping etc

Turned up today and she ordered me into the back seat ! I said no - if you want a lift get in if not book an uber.
The seats are on the same level, just as accessible and the same leg room ( im petite so have the seat pulled forward so back seat has lots of space).
She went mad started shouting at me ! To have some respect and move. Called me a ‘rude disrespectful little bitch’.

Dh has then told her to sort out a taxi he’s not having her speak to me that way.

She has phoned repeatedly (we ignored)
Shes messaged to say she missed her hospital appt because of me !!!

AIBU to think she should have just sat in the back ?!!

I don't feel like I am disrespecting myself by sitting in the back seat. That seems rather fragile.

YANBU. Unless there was a disability issue, I wouldn’t have sat in the back seat either. I’m not sitting crammed into the back of a car I paid for.

You’re disrespecting yourself if you get out and sit in the back seat for someone who has no qualms about shouting in your face that you’re a disrespectful little bitch, though.

Anyway, there are one or two very rude and demanding people on this thread - but fortunately vastly in the minority. Most of us do understand the situation and would have used our manners and been thankful for the lift without throwing a tantrum demanding OP move.

No point in continuing to repeat the obvious to rude people pretending not to get it, so I will bow out here :)

A reminder, if you are being given a lift it is the height of bad manners to make any demands of your host at all. You sit in the available seat. That is the rule. And that is good manners.

If you imagine yourself more important than your host or their family, you are a rude person. If you do not then you would not be expecting to be treated as more important by usurping someone from their chosen seat.

So that's that:)

If you have accessibility issues, that's quite another story of course. And not relevant to this particular thread.

But in a situation where all seats offered are similarly comfortable, and you are being given the favour of being driven somewhere, only the most repulsively ill mannered, entitled creature would expect preferential treatment by demanding their seat of choice. And nobody at all would ever be expected to give up their chosen seat, for no apparent reason. That's not a rule at all, of course.

Once again, the only reason the mil was so viciously ill tempered and ill mannered was that she planned to usurp the OP in the family pecking order. That's the entire reason for her tantrum.

She failed and has now learned a valuable lesson - she does not rank more highly than the OP in her son's eyes and she cannot speak to OP in such a disgustingly offensive manner and still receive the favour of being driven around.

I will leave the squabbling, ill mannered minority to keep throwing little tantrums. I have many, far more important and rewarding, things to do.

As I am well raised and very polite, I give you my permission to have the last word. It will make you feel better about losing the debate :)

Yeah, Jeremy Kyle show springs to mind.

You all sound rude op - and very petty.

If the seats are equal, why don't you sit in tbe back?

You sound just as bad tbh. Really weird to choose this as a hill to die on.

Right, I agree these kinds of social rules are up for debate.

I also grew up hearing Age Before Beauty, but I understood that to be about accessibility and having an awareness that not all physical ailments are visible or something an older person might want to talk about rather than deference for the sake of it.

Ach away

How is it rude to expect someone to sit in the back seat?

It's ridiculous to say that @Lexibletheflexible has been raised without good manners. She's very clearly been raised with clear definitions and expectations of courtesy that are just different from yours (and mine).

Life would be much simpler for everyone if we could recognise that other people have different systems of demonstrating respect and not take offence where none is meant. Manners are just an unwritten, but usually clearly understood, protocol for behaviour intended to help society live together without conflict. Where different behaviour systems run into each other, people are often upset by what would be seen as a slight in one system but isn't in another.

I see the kind of unearned deference to the elderly, that is required by some codes, to be old-fashioned. But I recognise that code, even if I don't live by it. In this case, I don't see, myself, being asked to sit in the back as disrespectful, especially not when the old person is being offered a favour in the form of the lift. But I do recognise that other people feel differe tly. And that isn't because they have no manners

her own seat in her own car.🙄

“Raised right”?? You currently have an AMA about being in prison for 3 years on the go @Lexibletheflexible and say your mum (who presumably “raised you”) lied to the council by saying she’d kicked you out at 17 so you could get a council flat.

”Raised right” my arse!

I do wonder what the hospital appointments are about. If it’s something serious like cancer then OP is sorely lacking in compassion.

OMG - this is the funniest reply I’ve seen in a long time 😂😂😂😂

You sound a good person. Glad didn't take the bait...

Wow. From the headline I expected to side with MIL.

After being spoken to like that I wouldnt be giving her a lift anywhere!

Absolutely as she is older than you and the guest but I would do this without thinking about because I don't frankly care enough about stuff like this. Equally, that is my upbringing like everyone I know, it is my default position.

It sounds like a bunch of toddlers with a plastic ride on car. "IIIIII'MMM in the front!" "It's MYYYYYY car!"

Please don’t give up the front for someone taller than you. There is no need. The front seat moves back and forward so height makes zero difference to need for the front.

It’s just something men made up to get the thing that everyone prefers (the front).

With older relatives it can be a nice thing to do but I agree not necessary if you’re already in the car/ it’s your car etc

She's giving 64 year olds a bad rep😀

Id never have been in the front

I know right? Technically all the seats in the car are hers, and if they are all equal then what’s the issue with letting MIL sit next to her own son? It’s hard to have a conversation from back seat to driver.

Wow, this gives a new meaning to #BeKind and #BeNice 😂

I feel exactly the same: I really couldn't care enough about the front seat to ever get involved in this sort of altercation.

I would intuitively offer it to an 88 year old, as normally there is slightly more space to get in and out and as we age we tend to get stiffer.

I also offered the front seat to a friend my age the other day because it just felt like hosting. (She declined).

But if they are all equally comfortable seats, this isn't about comfort. It's about muscling and hierarchy and self-assertion. I can't imagine being so insecure that I had to squabble over a car seat to feel Big.

Yep, but she'd slap the shit out of me if I didn't get up for an older person. So basically, even the ex prisoner who got a fraudulent council flat would never expect her MIL to sit in the back, so anyone who would should be doubly ashamed of themselves.

Hmm. The back is the safest part of the car. I prefer the back to the front because of this. Odd that people think the front is like first class while the back is economy.