AIBU to refuse the back seat when giving my MIL a lift?

[Frontseat]

MIL expects lifts . Fair enough dh obliges.

Sometimes I’m with him as while she’s in an appt we get other jobs done/shopping etc

Turned up today and she ordered me into the back seat ! I said no - if you want a lift get in if not book an uber.
The seats are on the same level, just as accessible and the same leg room ( im petite so have the seat pulled forward so back seat has lots of space).
She went mad started shouting at me ! To have some respect and move. Called me a ‘rude disrespectful little bitch’.

Dh has then told her to sort out a taxi he’s not having her speak to me that way.

She has phoned repeatedly (we ignored)
Shes messaged to say she missed her hospital appt because of me !!!

AIBU to think she should have just sat in the back ?!!

What is disrespectful about sitting in the back seat? Surely that is where you sit when being chauffeured, or in a taxi/uber? No one complains about it then.

Front seat is usually more accessible. Especially if there are more than 3 people in the car. It's like getting up for an old person on the bus. Yes, you have paid for your seat and they likely haven't but you know, they're less mobile than you.

Yup!

This .

I think with some women it's more about competing to be number 1 woman in your partner or son's life.

I think if you had moved into the back seat and your husband hadn't left his mother there you'd have some very different responses - advising you to do exactly what you did.

Well she was appallingly rude.
However I think it's good manners to offer the front seat to a guest or someone older.

They've literally gone round to give her a lift to the hospital! How is that not giving her any consideration?

Anybody who talks to their DIL in that way deserves all they get. She couldn't sabotage her relationship with her (and her own son) more successfully if she tried.

And how good to see a DH having his wife's back unequivocally.

Yet if OP ever decides to kick him out, he will have to go crawling back to the woman who will always be his mother to get back on his feet.

One thing that me and my husband had in common is that family comes first. If we get to the stage where your family becomes my family, then great! We can look after each other's family together. But any sign of competition or resentment would have meant breaking up. Whether we already had kids or not.

OP, if someone is doing you a favour by giving you a lift, you sit wherever there’s a space, so if you and DH are sitting in the front seats, she sits in the back. If she doesn’t like it, she can get a taxi (where she may well be sitting in the back).

What happened on the previous ocassions, OP?

Sounds like there might be a history of power struggles and battle of wills between you. I always gave up my front seat to my mum and mil because they were elderly and preferred the front seat. There was no animosity between us though, which it looks like there is here. Neither of them would ever have spoken like that.

She's extremely rude. No more lifts for her!

I am 85 and have a very large hiatus hernia. When I was getting into the back seat of any car I had the most awful pain in my chest/stomach, my dd suggested I sat in the front seat as I can slide in and there is no pain. My daughter’s car is a 4 seater as have been cabs we have called. All cause this twisting pain. So I ask to sit in the front of cabs as well. The bad language you received was awful.

I always offer the front seat to guests: that’s just being polite.

She was rude to order you about.

So you’re both ill-mannered, IMO. Modern society, sadly.

There’s obvs power play going on here. I wouldn’t have given her the front seat either. Well done your DH for having your back.

This. I’m genuinely bewildered. I’ve literally never heard of swapping seats in a car, not unless you’re changing drivers or someone’s coming in with a baby seat? What difference does it make where you sit? And presumably the car belongs to you and your oh and you were doing her a favour? She was rude af

There's clearly quite a back story here.

I'd always offer my mum or MIL the front seat - in the vast majority of cars, it is easier to get in to, and in my mum's case, due to mobility issues, she certainly wouldn't be able to get in the back.

It's sounds like you were rude to her, but then she was extremely rude back, and lost any moral high ground she may have had. Do you often speak to each other that way? Glad that DH had your back though.

"...the seats are equal in all ways. It’s not more uncomfortable or less spacious in the back seat."

This is what's confusing me: If the seats truly are equal, in terms of access and comfort, why does it matter to you where you sit? Why can't you sit in the back on these rare occasions?

I would have automatically given her the front seat out of elder respect and to allow for easier conversation between her and her son who she sees less often since you married.

Also, if there was a genuine reason why I needed the front seat, I would have tried to explain gently rather than going straight in with the Uber ultimatum. Way to escalate!

I can't excuse her language but then I can't understand why you were so needlessly provocative in the way you spoke to her in the first instance.

Also, if she missed her appointment, that really is a problem.

I think you need to apologise to one another. Explain the seat situation politely and find a way forward.

I am glad your husband has your back and will help you find a way through this.

How is it ill-mannered? In all my years I’ve never been offered a front seat, or seen anyone else being offered? Surely it’s more rude to make someone move when they’re already in, when there’s no difference just sitting in the back. You can’t just make up rules and blame people for being ‘ill mannered’ for not knowing them. And I’d be willing to bet my life on half the people on here saying they do it have actually never done it

I always let my Mum, Dad or Mother in law have the front seat, it's the way I have been brought up.

You were rude not to offer the front seat, that's a normal thing to do with parents and guests frankly. Basic manners. You were also very unpleasant by telling her to get an Uber.

However, she's completely deranged 😂She was more rude to even SAY something (free to find you rude but be quiet about it) but:
rude disrespectful little bitch?

thats' not normal. That cannot be an isolated incident, unless she was drunk that day?

Your poor husband having to deal with the both of you

If my son were to give me a lift in the future when he is married and his wife didn't offer me her seat I would be hurt tbh. I definitely wouldn't take her seat - I would politely decline but it shows that you think of others if you offer. I would definitely like to be asked.

In this situation, DP or I would automatically get out and move to the back as we arrived at MIL/DM’s house. It’s simple, and it’s just showing a bit of respect.

They’d always insist not to move, but we’d move.

It sounds like there’s a backstory though, and she should not be speaking to anyone like that, especially when they’re doing her a favour.

What a thing to fall out over 😳