AIBU to refuse the back seat when giving my MIL a lift?

[Frontseat]

MIL expects lifts . Fair enough dh obliges.

Sometimes I’m with him as while she’s in an appt we get other jobs done/shopping etc

Turned up today and she ordered me into the back seat ! I said no - if you want a lift get in if not book an uber.
The seats are on the same level, just as accessible and the same leg room ( im petite so have the seat pulled forward so back seat has lots of space).
She went mad started shouting at me ! To have some respect and move. Called me a ‘rude disrespectful little bitch’.

Dh has then told her to sort out a taxi he’s not having her speak to me that way.

She has phoned repeatedly (we ignored)
Shes messaged to say she missed her hospital appt because of me !!!

AIBU to think she should have just sat in the back ?!!

There is no should. You're hallucinating.

And, as you are well aware, the back seat in this scenario was exactly as comfortable.

And you'd have to be insanely demanding, entitled and ill mannered to pretend you think a person should not be allowed to sit in her own seat in her own car.

So that's that.

Everyone I know shares these values of treating those older than you with respect. It's only when I venture outside of people from my background that this becomes a debate.

Wow, people are so rude to each other. I would happily offer my seat to someone of the older generation. So would my daughters, but I'm surprised that anyone would order someone to move then respond so rudely if they didn't move.

This

When it comes to manners, there are shoulds. I admit we haven't all been lucky enough to have been taught basic etiquette though.

Appeal to authority - or argumentum ad populum, is not relevant here as your tiny circle of acquaintances don't represent anything beyond your tiny circle of acquaintances.

It's not a debate. Your "rule" does not exist outside of your own head.

Exactly

After the first two times I’d have insisted on driving and pointedly remarked on MIL not expecting DH to sit in the back - because I bet she wouldn’t.

Yes, it's a shame you were not taught the basic etiquette of not imposing your demands on the host who is doing you a favour. You "should" have been.

Sorry about that. Never mind, today you learned something new :)

It exists in all the minds of those who were raised right.

There isn't any point in being angry about it. We just all have different values. For some of us, respect to elders, courtesy and general family unity were central to those values.

For others, it was more about marking your territory and showing who has the most power.

And there you are, showing your rudeness and lack of etiquette again. You imagine a rule, you demand that everyone follow the rule, you insult those who understand that in fact it is you who is rude and the rule is quite the opposite. You make demands of hosts doing favours and pretend they are rude when your demands for your imaginary rule are not met.

You're exceptionally ill mannered.

"I don't get out much anymore"

Can't for the life of me imagine why 🙄

I wouldn't need to make demands of any hosts because these norms are pretty consistent among anyone I'd get in a car with.

Yes, you're right, you should not be allowing yourself to become so angry and attempting (and hilariously failing) to take swipes at me and instead you should show some basic manners.

Indeed, respect to your host is important, and since there is no requirement of any kind for the rude mil to demand the front seat as the back seat was just as comfortable and accessible, she was rude.

Just as you are.

• Offering MIL a lift = consideration
• Accepting MIL's orders to get in the back = treated like a second class citizen
• Accepting MIL calling OP a 'rude disrespectful little bitch' = treated like a sub-human

This thread is like I’ve entered the twilight zone of batshit opinions.

If I’m getting into the car at the same time as taller/older relatives I would probably take the back seat and let them have the front. But if I was already in the front when we picked them up I wouldn’t move unless they needed the front.

Why have we all assumed the MIL has mobility issues when the OP has stated she doesn’t. Both my DM and MIL are probably fitter and more flexible than I am (they both attend the gym, run 10ks (that I wouldn’t be able to do!), are physically fit). I have a desk job and I’m mostly sedentary. There’s absolutely no logic that I should move? If the seats are the same why does anyone have the right to insist that (in my car that I pay for) that I get out, grab all my stuff - usually a coat, bag and drink - and move to the back when I’m doing them a favour. She’s not an invited guest, she’s receiving a favour.

madness.

Well, within your tiny circle, your unspoken demand will be therefore continue to be met. That's nice for you :) It's not relevant, in any way, to the rest of the world. But good for you.

That's a very absolute statement. Surely all social groups have behaviours that, while based on values, are open to abuse and misinterpretation when acted on without nuance?

Take "ladies first" for example. Is that really about showing deference and respect to women, or does it enable people who are misogynists to appear to themselves and others as though they are respectfull, meanwhile changing nothing about the rest of their thoughts and behaviour.

If it is a "rule" it's not one that I, a woman, think is relevant.

Again, this exchange would never exist in my world. We all agree that we defer to elders by doimg basic things like letting them go first, sit in the front seat, get their food first etc. It isn't a source of conflict in my world. We aren't at war.

There are cultural norms and in British culture there is a strong emphasis on 'good manners'. These aren't constitutional rights, they are subtle and unspoken because for many of us 'upbringing' has informed that deep rooted understanding on how to behave socially.

Raised right 😂

You might have been raised to respect others first, but I was raised to respect myself first.

I’m sure the “rude disrespectful little bitch” comment didn’t occur in isolation.

I don’t care what age someone is - if someone treats me or speaks to me like shit, I won’t be getting out of my own car and giving up my seat for them. I wouldn’t be driving them anywhere in the first place.

I will be teaching my children the exact same thing.

Respect for self is raising children right.

It's just about letting women go first so they can get settled more quickly.

Whether a young woman needs to "get settled" before an old man might be up for debate. In my family, it was "age before beauty".

they're not even restricted to British culture, these good manners are fairly widespread across the Western World.

I love how some posters pretend they have never heard of them 😂

Exactly. I have a friend who gets car sick in the back, so it’s natural that she always gets the front seat on a group outing. Even if I’m in the back seat with a dog, it’s ok.