AIBU to refuse the back seat when giving my MIL a lift?

[Frontseat]

MIL expects lifts . Fair enough dh obliges.

Sometimes I’m with him as while she’s in an appt we get other jobs done/shopping etc

Turned up today and she ordered me into the back seat ! I said no - if you want a lift get in if not book an uber.
The seats are on the same level, just as accessible and the same leg room ( im petite so have the seat pulled forward so back seat has lots of space).
She went mad started shouting at me ! To have some respect and move. Called me a ‘rude disrespectful little bitch’.

Dh has then told her to sort out a taxi he’s not having her speak to me that way.

She has phoned repeatedly (we ignored)
Shes messaged to say she missed her hospital appt because of me !!!

AIBU to think she should have just sat in the back ?!!

I’ve never understood the hierarchy system of someone getting the front seat just because they’re older than someone else.
I’ll happily give up the front seat to anyone if they’re kind, have a need for it, and I genuinely like and respect them as a person - and I like and respect most people I know. You’d have to be quite the asshole for me to dislike you.
Expecting it because they’ve lived longer than someone else is wild.

I would always sit in the back in that situation, without being asked, just etiquette really. Besides which, MIL probably wanted to talk to her son, not as easy from back seat.

She was incredibly rude though. The whole interraction seems hugely dramatic - she couldve asked nicely, you could have replied politely. How did you think things would go after you spoke to her like that?
Normal interraction "would ypu mind moving so I can sit in the front, please?", "no, I really dont like sitting in the back and am happier here", "oh, ok then". Not this massive rage fest.

Nope. The guest who is being done a favour gets whatever seat is offered to them. That's the rule.

If the driver wants to offer the front passenger seat, they can do so. If the person occupying the seats feels like offering, they can do so. That's the rule.

And that's because it's not, in any way at all, impolite to expect someone for whom you are doing a favour to sit in whatever seats are not currently occupied.

Not in this planet, not on this timeline, and not in this universe.

Many of us have been raised differently and have thriving social relationships as a result where nothing like this exchange would ever occur

Not in this planet, not on this timeline, and not in this universe

Well not in your head, anyway.

Yes, I'm sorry you were raised without good manners. It's a shame you didn't realise how rude it was to demand the front seat for no reason of any kind.

It's nice that in your little circle you all agree to be ill mannered and tolerate that, I suppose. Whatever works.

I KNEW IT!! I always think of MILs as being quite old, but I could tell she's only 64 and not at all feeble.

Well.. She's not going to talk to you like that again in a hurry if she wants a lift is she? She'd better be working on her apology before she gets another lift, instead she's fuming that you caused her to miss her appointment. You didn't. She did that herself.

Well done to your DH for calling her out on her rudeness.

The whole front seat thing was a power move to emphasise her matriache (I spelt that the way I wanted to!) status.

I always go for the back seat if someone is kind enough to offer me a lift. We do let MIL sit in the front, but only because she and can't move very well and has never insisted on it.

Oh excellent, thanks for providing the links to show me where your (imaginary) rule exists.

Oh, what's that, you can't? Never mind, better luck next time :)

I'm not on her side but just wondering if the seats are so equal why didn't you sit at the back?

If you ever, ever end up taking MIL anywhere again - not saying you should - then you should definitely be the driver and have your DH offer her the front.

Then you’ll see if she does actually “just prefer it” or if it’s a way of trying to put you in your place.

I mean the downside would be you’d have to sit beside her, but it’s worth a shot.

He needs to offer it to her whilst standing outside the car rather than being sat in the back already, so that she can’t just hop in beside him and make you look like a taxi driver!

She didn't want to. HTH.

There would be no demanding necessary in my world because I'd never be in the front seat when going to collect my MIL.

Her behaviour is utterly outrageous.

I always offer the front seat to my mum and so does DH but she would never ever demand and usually argues until we insist. She is 83.

There's no way I would offer anything or acquiesce to an obnoxious demand that I move out of my own car. The backstory amplifies how awful she is.

Horrible horrible woman. I'm glad DH has your back.

My MIL has tendencies like yours but thankfully lives in another country, herself and DH are extremely low contact and I haven't seen the rude cow in years.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I always used to give the front seat to MIL (and now do to my older SIL if she's in the car) and DH would always offer the front seat to my mum too if I am driving and he's in the car.

Isn't that polite? Unless you have a disability which makes it hard for you get in the back, especially if it's a 3 door car.

Only difference between our front and rear seats is the front has my pre set lumbar support and can be heated.

Entry to the seats are the same both require using the step.

Im not giving up my lumbar support just because someone is older than me.

Like others say it’s funny how all these people manage to get into taxis and Ubers and don’t demand the passenger seats. Bet plently manage perfectly fine on planes and those seats are uncomfy af.

I think our mils could be sisters though op. I also stole her son and ruined his life and stop him visiting 🙄 as if I could do any of that to a grown man heaven forbid her baby boy doesn’t actually want to see her himself more than he feels he personally wants to.

This

Great, no demanding means no discussion and no need for anybody to rudely take the seat away from the person already sitting in.

Fab. So just taking whatever seat you are offered is always the correct and mannerly thing to do, unless there is an actual need.

Glad everyone agrees.

Quite.

Maybe my MIL would have "demanded" but the issue never arose, because I was sensible and polite enough to sit in the back anyway.

Because it’s their family car?

Because if they are equal why does mil trump op? Why is it so important to the mil other than to throw her weight around.

It's neither polite nor impolite. It's just something some of you do, and lots don't. It's certainly beyond impolite to demand someone moves out of their seat though.

If she's 64 (that's 4 years younger than me) and has no mobility issues, there is zero reason why she can't sit in the back. I'm perfectly capable of getting into the rear of a car, whether it's a 4 or a 2 door.

i love your DH

It's good you understand it is sensible and polite to sit in whatever seat is free and never demand it, as the MIL did.

When guests have good manners and take what the seat offered, no issue arises. Correct.

There is no discussion because the older person should always be given the more comfortable front seat unless they decline it. The OP was wrong for not obeying this etiquette. She should never have been in the seat.

I do agree with pps saying children should sit in the back if there’s an adult there though.

Partly due to safely but also because there definitely is a social convention about it. Which I guess is what this MIL is tapping into. But she doesn’t get to do that with the joint owner of the car/ the driver’s partner.