AIBU to refuse the back seat when giving my MIL a lift?

[Frontseat]

MIL expects lifts . Fair enough dh obliges.

Sometimes I’m with him as while she’s in an appt we get other jobs done/shopping etc

Turned up today and she ordered me into the back seat ! I said no - if you want a lift get in if not book an uber.
The seats are on the same level, just as accessible and the same leg room ( im petite so have the seat pulled forward so back seat has lots of space).
She went mad started shouting at me ! To have some respect and move. Called me a ‘rude disrespectful little bitch’.

Dh has then told her to sort out a taxi he’s not having her speak to me that way.

She has phoned repeatedly (we ignored)
Shes messaged to say she missed her hospital appt because of me !!!

AIBU to think she should have just sat in the back ?!!

I thought it was respectful to always let the elder have a front seat. I wouldn’t dream of giving my in laws the back seat unless necessary eg picking them both up.

But she’s a rude bitch.

It's my belief (and your belief is obviously different) that when you get married, you and your spouse form a new family and each of you (and any children you may have) is, from then on, the priority of the other - over and above your birth families, ypur parents and siblings.

Obviously if your spouse becomes unreasonable (and unreasonability is, as MN demonstrates constantly, subjective) in their demands, then that bond between you may change, but the default position has to be that your spouse is your primary responsibility.

It's a sad marriage, it seems to me, if you're making decisions based on the likelihood of the marriage failing and you having to return to your parents ("crawling", no less...). You've got to go all-in if you're to give the relationship a chance. You can't be hedging your bets

Out of respect you should of offered her tge front seat

It is widely understood social etiquette in British culture.

I would always offer an older person the front seat. I think it's just basic good manners and even if they are seemingly totally mobile, comfort does become more important as you get older. I know, I'm nearly 70. But then I wouldn't call someone a rude, disrespectful little bitch. There's obviously more to this.

I'm sure you explain why though, not just scream at anyone in the front.

It's not about the value of one family set up over another, it is simply, 'good manners' to do this for an older person. Strikes me as many people haven't been brought up with these basic notions of right and wrong though.

If we had a different car and the back seat was harder to get into etc I’d understand but it’s not? She’s 64 with no mobility issues.

I really don't give a shit whether I sit in the front or the back if both are equally accessible.

If another passenger prefers the front seat, I'd let them have it tbh.

Your DM was rather rude though.

It's not about that though, it's just bad manners to not give your older mother in law the option.

I have never seen the guest or older person "Not" been offered the front seat, in this country or any of the country I visited and was picked up by friend or family? Where on earth do you live? It IS basic manners.

Don't tell us you are being used to being chauffeured around, because true, when there's a driver, you sit in the back, never next to them 😂

she’s messaged dh again with ‘surely you can see my point? I needed the better view rather than looking at the back of a seat. I don’t get out much anymore’

She sounds a rude, selfish cow! No more lifts for MIL!

if my sister was having a lift with us, I'll let her have the front seat without even discussing it. She's the guest, it's not even about age or mobility!

Age only comes into it when you have several guests or when there's a big gap.

Oh she's a corker. I'm glad your husband has your back.

her message is also incorrect as she’s always out ! Coffee with friends , out with SIL, holidays ! She’s acting as if she is housebound and I denied her a better seat for the view!

Yeah... I'm sensing that the seating isn't the real issue at hand here.

How long have you both disliked each other?

Why can't you just chill out about it, she's obviously lonely, bored, now probably worried about not seeing her son, the person she gave birth to! Mountains and molehills come to mind!

Oh the whole time I’ve known dh! She was very cold towards me initially and kept saying he shouldn’t rush things (he was still living at home). She said I stole him from her when he moved out in a semi jokey way!

She finds huge fault with my cooking if she ever comes round for a meal, if we go to hers and I offer to help she will say ‘washing up duties only for you ! We don’t want the meat/veg/sauce/dessert ruined!’

She HATES it that I work and constantly says it’s not good for the dc.

Try to look at it differently - she has brought up a man that sticks up for his wife.

No we don't see it like that where any choice has to be made. I join the relationship as a member of my family, he joins as a member of his. From there, we become one family. I didnt leave my family to make a new one.
What an odd way of looking at it.

I think half these issues come in when you a lot of the people involved are toxic. Why would my MIL want to break up a happy relationship of her son's? Why would she go out of her way to make it difficult for us? And the same way, why would I make it difficult for my husband to have the close relationship he has with his family? What would I gain?

If I have some immediate need that requires prioritisation, isn't it better that our whole family are supportive in us meeting that need? And then when someone else has something pressing, we all support them in getting it sorted out.

It doesnt have to be conflict and competition on who matters more to him.

Lol I'm 68 - she's talking absolute BOLLOCKS 😂

Maybe but that could also be due to pent up frustration from someone who constantly pushes boundaries, and a relationship that was already breaking down.

It doesn't sound like MIL was this amazing respectful nice person before this.

I think you should drive the next time you and dh give her a lift somewhere - bet she wouldn't relegate her little prince to the back seat! If that's the case you know she doesn't 'need' the front seat.

I had a fairly traditional upbringing with an expectation of respect for elders but can’t really remember this being one of the rules. I can see it happening in the past when cars were very definitely more comfortable in the front and the back was something of an afterthought. This is not so often the case nowadays. We often had parents or MIL in the back as in several of our cars the front seats were sports type seats and not easy for them.
Part of me still sees respect for elders as good manners but another part thinks that respect is earned and can be lost.