AIBU to refuse the back seat when giving my MIL a lift?

[Frontseat]

MIL expects lifts . Fair enough dh obliges.

Sometimes I’m with him as while she’s in an appt we get other jobs done/shopping etc

Turned up today and she ordered me into the back seat ! I said no - if you want a lift get in if not book an uber.
The seats are on the same level, just as accessible and the same leg room ( im petite so have the seat pulled forward so back seat has lots of space).
She went mad started shouting at me ! To have some respect and move. Called me a ‘rude disrespectful little bitch’.

Dh has then told her to sort out a taxi he’s not having her speak to me that way.

She has phoned repeatedly (we ignored)
Shes messaged to say she missed her hospital appt because of me !!!

AIBU to think she should have just sat in the back ?!!

Another one who can see through the op intentions

I’m an “ oldie “ on here !
I was taught from young to give the front seat to parents or grandparents and I’m delighted to say my kids are courteous and always offer me the front seat - as does my daughter in law !
I don’t always accept it, but I’m delighted they do it.
Just think it’s kind and courteous x

After being ordered? I'd say that the OP's assertive reply was perfect.

Yes, the intention was to sit in her own seat and not kowtow to an ill mannered, demanding and extremely rude older woman. Ill mannered, demanding and extremely rude olde woman tried to overplay her hand, became abusive, and lost.

Fantastic outcome for everyone, except the abusive mil. Lesson learned :)

Do you scream abuse at people if you don't get your own way? Do you make rude demands and order people out of their seat?

No? Oh, good, not a problem then.

don't want to be unkind to you OP, but I must admit that am astonished that so many people think you were completely fine in ordering an elderly woman to sit in the back. I don't mean to be horrible to you, but I am just confused - I can't imagine doing something so seemingly disrespectful and unkind. You keep saying both seats are totally equal, so I am really struggling to understand why you did it? Why did you feel so strongly that you had to sit in the front?

Maybe because there's nothing disrespectful about sitting in the back, so why shouldn't the MIL do that? It's OPs (or her DHs) car, of course she's going to sit up front. She didn't order her MIL into the back, her MIL ordered her into the back! If someone came up to me and ordered me out of my own car's front and into the back I'd be blunt with my refusal too! The MIL can't go around speaking to people like that and expecting smiles and kindness in return. MILs behaviour was shocking. Even after MIL was so rude to OP as to order her into the back seat, MIL still had the offer of a lift - until she called OP a "disrespectful little bitch", at which point OPs DH quite rightly shut her down and rescinded the offer. What world do you live in where people can go around rudely demanding special treatment just because they're old and everyone else is expected to acquiesce?! They were giving the MIL a lift and it sounds like waiting around to take her back home after her appointment too, MIL should be grateful because they don't have to do that and she could have got a taxi in the first place if she wasn't happy with the lift arrangements which she'd experienced before. The sense of entitlement in some people is unreal.

I'm now in my late 60s. I've always given consideration to an older person, but I wouldn't stand for one ordering me where to sit in my own car.

Indeed. And it is not, in fact, an accepted social rule. Some think it is, many don't. It's very clearly not a universally accepted point of etiquette.

I personally, genuinely think it's unbelievably rude and overbearing to think someone should give up their own seat for no reason at all. I cannot imagine being so entitled. You are having a favour done for you - unless the seat you are offered causes you pain or discomfort what kind of overbearing person thinks they have a right to another person's seat? It would not even enter my head not to sit in the back.

I am bewildered by this attempt to make the mil - who was simply and clearly rude - into the victim here. I am assuming there are a lot of rude older women on this thread, I can't see why else they'd be advocating for a woman who tried to order her dil around then called her a bitch for not moving seats. Shocking behaviour on the part of the mil.

So that's how you were raised by your even-older-than-you parents. Fine, no problem and it worked in that era. Can you not see that a tradition that originated in, like, 1930 or something when your parents were young, might be outdated now? And that some younger people might be doing things differently today, without any disrespect or unkindness behind it?

When my husband was still able to drive and my parents were alive, if all 4 of us were in the car Dad went in the front passenger seat - he had the longest legs.

Mum had the shortest legs and sat in the back with me (second longest legs, but in the back if I wasn't the driver). Mum sat behind Dad; I sat behind DH. It made most sense in terms of leg space.

No one in our family would have ordered another person about.

That's a fair comment, but I am 58 and have never known this to be a rule. Possibly because when growing up only two of my uncles had cars, we took Shanks pony or the bus, so we were always just grateful for any lift and would never have dreamed of making any demands at all.

I think people who have less when growing up are less entitled and demanding and are more grateful for favours. Those who grow up with more privilege seem more cluelessly demanding, at least that's been my experience.

I hated being poor when I was young, and am glad that it was a temporary condition - but it honestly did do me a lot of good in terms of character development, gratitude and an overall understanding that some things just do not matter and to be thankful and grateful of favours when they are done for you.

Why should OP have stayed home? Why should OPs and her DHs lives revolve around the MILs demands? OPs DH was driving to a location where he and OP had errands to run and MIL had a hospital appointment, why on earth should a separate trip be made another time by OP just because MIL is a precious princess about wanting to sideline her DIL and sit in the front seat so she feels more important? If a separate trip needed to be made, it should have been the MIL making it in a taxi and getting herself to her appointment!

I’m guessing she wants alone time with DH and was probably peeved you were there.

Yes exactly, I don’t understand why people aren’t getting this. If you come at someone rudely don’t be surprised they bluntly refuse to do you a favour!

The MIL was rude from the outset and has form for making digs at Op so she must’ve known it wasn’t going to go down well so why is OP the one accused of winding people up?

I was on a hen party weekend once and one of my friends guest seemed to take an instant dislike to me after I introduced myself. Fine, I was like whatever and just spoke to the other guests.

One night we were sitting watching movies and she turns around and TOLD me to check the heater temperature in this tone as if I were her small child or something.

Now I was sat in front of the heater, but the temperature dial was to my side, I couldn’t see it in the dark and couldn’t be arsed getting my phone torch out and twisting myself around to look at the dial after she had ordered me so rudely.

So I rather coldly but calmly told her she was welcome to look herself and she looked all shocked . Had she asked politely I’d have made the effort to do her a favour.

The fact Op didn’t insult her MIL back in this situation after being called a rude bitch shows the patience and restraint she’s had with her MIL

Best suggestion 😂

If true, this again proves mil is an unreasonable person who was stewing for a fight.

I cannot honestly imagine how small your life would have to be to get this territorial with a family member over who sat in the passenger seat.

I think that's the problem with a lot of old people, they've got no life. Instead of making the effort to create one and being happy and fulfilled, they just try to lord it over others to make themselves feel more important.

It’s not more uncomfortable or less spacious in the back seat
In that case would it have been such a hardship for you to sit in the back?

Yes probably the best place for her.
She is obviously used to lording it over people.

Let her look after herself.

My mother in law used to like sitting in the front too. I get travel sick and DHZ hates to drive, so if I was around I would drive, MIL in front and DH in the back

It's their car and she wanted to sit in the front.

Hope this helps.

Oh, it's not an age thing, in my opinion. It's a humanity thing. Lots of people on mumsnet seem to have no real life, no real understanding of how lucky they are, no real gratitude, no real perspective - like the mil. That might solidify with age, but it's not uncommon in younger people too.

Wow, there must be a lot of resentment between the two of you to blow up over who sits in what seats! She was rude, but why could you not sit in the back if the seats are exactly the same? It's your DH's mum, his close family, not a stranger.
I'd just say to my DH to have some time on his own with her.
If you wanted to come too, then why didn't you drive? Then you two wouldn't have to argue over something so petty.

She sounds lovely 😬