AIBU to refuse the back seat when giving my MIL a lift?

[Frontseat]

MIL expects lifts . Fair enough dh obliges.

Sometimes I’m with him as while she’s in an appt we get other jobs done/shopping etc

Turned up today and she ordered me into the back seat ! I said no - if you want a lift get in if not book an uber.
The seats are on the same level, just as accessible and the same leg room ( im petite so have the seat pulled forward so back seat has lots of space).
She went mad started shouting at me ! To have some respect and move. Called me a ‘rude disrespectful little bitch’.

Dh has then told her to sort out a taxi he’s not having her speak to me that way.

She has phoned repeatedly (we ignored)
Shes messaged to say she missed her hospital appt because of me !!!

AIBU to think she should have just sat in the back ?!!

The history between the OP and the MOL must be nothing short of venomous on the basis of this exchange.

I agree, @TemporarilyCantDoMyself, something's going on here!

You need to address that question to MIL. OP probably would have gladly given up the front seat for MIL had MIL been respectful to her. MIL started the entire conflict by ordering OP into the back seat.

Play bitch games, win bitch prizes.

I was wondering this tbh.

I came down on YANBU to the OP because her MIL was so rude.

But I do wonder if
a. The seats really are as equal as Op things and
b. The MIL just wants some time to chat to her son.

When we were kids, a subset of the family “going in the front” rules was that the one of us kids who didn’t actually need to be there, but had just decided to come along for the ride, went in the back. So I suppose that could be part of the logic.

It does also strike me that it might be nice for the OP’s DH to go to the appointments with her, not just drop her off after spending the car journey mainly chatting to his wife (if that’s the case).

But I don’t think the OP is coming back because of the unfortunate sub-discussion that has developed about ex-prisoners and manners.

I think there is a bit of give and take to be had here.

My MIL had quite bad mobility issues. If we went anywhere in a 3dr car or one that was hard for her to get in and out of then I went in the back. If the access was good she was quite happy to have a snooze in the back.

I would always offer the front seat on a 5 door car. Sometimes she accepted it. Sometimes she said she was happy to go in the back.

However, as I said she had poor mobility, so it was common sense to make sure she could
get in and out easily. It may have been different if she was in good health and had full mobility, especially as I get car sick easily.

Not sure I see what you're getting at there.

If she called an Uber or a minicab she'd sit in the back wouldn't she.

I think it was just a power play, throwing her weight about just for the sake of it.

I’m sure she would love a bucket seat. Thankfully she’s just glad of the lifts.

I would never tell someone to get out and sit in the back. Even when DH picks me up and one of the kids is with him sitting in the front seat, I just get in the back. No need to make it a big thing IMIO

@Frontseat I always give up the frontseat to Mil- she's 82 and got bach aches and arthritis. BUT she always tell me that it's ridiculous and that she can go in the back and that she doesn't like taking my place. So it's ofcourse with pleasure I give up my place knowing that it's easier for her to get in and out and that she will be more comfortable.

So I would say YABU to not let Mil have the front seat. Having said that she sounds extremely rude and vulgar so I can't say that I feel sorry for her having to get in the back. Surely the lifts must come to an end due to her behaviour.

Seriously?! If my DH and his brothers had waited for a woman who could “gel with” MIL, they’d all die single 🤣

As the mother of adult children, I do feel it’s incumbent on me to respect their choices and behave decently around their partners, rather than elbowing my way to the front and demanding to be pandered to. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual.

Presumably because hospital drop-offs need to be done as quickly as possible, with the minimum of fuss and seat-swapping, to avoid parking charges!

Sorry I missed this. My Mil is 82 with an aching body so not comparable.

How often have they walked up to you and demanded you get out of your seat in your car and get in the back to make way for them, though? There's respect for your elder family members but equally, do we not deserve respect from them, and maybe some gratitude for the favour?

My MIL needs lifts at lot at the moment, we all pitch in. She's always grateful. DD usually sits in the front and we're moving her to the back when it's one of us doing the lift. The other day I had to tell MIL not to be silly, the small child can absolutely go in the back so she can get in and out more easily. And she keeps bringing me food.

I'd always offer, but if I've had that from someone, I'd not offer and they'd be lucky they were still getting lifts.

Be glad you don’t live in Scotland, Wales or NI then as slapping the shit out of your children is against the law.

I can't imagine any mother-in-law I know calling her daughter-in-law a bitch. I think I would be limiting my time around her to the bare minimum from now on.

If the relationship hadn't already been so awful, then I think it might be polite to offer her the front sometimes, but she certainly should not be demanding it or cursing at you over it.

I get on well with MIL but my SILs do not. I think it's both parties who have to put in the work to respect each other and TRY to gel, especially where the MIL could be what's considered "difficult".

Providing the spouse is worth it, obviously.

Mine has said much worse to my SIL. Tbh, she might have deserved it.

I’ve always offered my MIL (now 86) the front seat. It’s particularly necessary now, so that she can talk to my DH. She has hearing problems and now has dementia so she wouldn’t be able to talk to him if she weren’t in the front seat.

Having said that, I also couldn’t ever imagine her talking to me the way your MIL spoke to you! She’s lovely.

Yes, I suppose I'm lucky that the people I know tend to get along well enough to maintain politeness even if they aren't good friends. I understand tension between a MIL and DIL, but as far as I'm aware none I know have gone as far as openly cursing at one another. 😅

I have voted that you are being unreasonable because I defer to older relatives in my family as regards lifts. I would offer the front seat to my mum or MIL in any lift situation. They usually say yes and thanks. Having said that, I do not know the back story about you and your family, it does sound a bit fraught.

I think you’ve just jumped the shark.

It is like another planet to me… to call anyone a bitch let alone my husband’s wife

"You're a disrespectful little bitch."
"You're a fucking cunt. Bye."

I think the years of abuse she has given you, you definitely are justified in your response. Your MIL sounds absolutely hideous and you are within your rights to never include or invite her anywhere again. Ffs she is only 64, why can't she get herself to her own appointments ? Btw my mum is 80 and always sits in the back ...she wouldn't have it any other way.