AIBU to refuse the back seat when giving my MIL a lift?

[Frontseat]

MIL expects lifts . Fair enough dh obliges.

Sometimes I’m with him as while she’s in an appt we get other jobs done/shopping etc

Turned up today and she ordered me into the back seat ! I said no - if you want a lift get in if not book an uber.
The seats are on the same level, just as accessible and the same leg room ( im petite so have the seat pulled forward so back seat has lots of space).
She went mad started shouting at me ! To have some respect and move. Called me a ‘rude disrespectful little bitch’.

Dh has then told her to sort out a taxi he’s not having her speak to me that way.

She has phoned repeatedly (we ignored)
Shes messaged to say she missed her hospital appt because of me !!!

AIBU to think she should have just sat in the back ?!!

If it's not your or your family's car then the onus is on you to find alternative transport.

I always always offer the front seat to an older person, out of respect.

It's not acceptable to allow yourself to be querulous and impose your bad moods on others.

It's this kind of self-indulgence and arrogance that causes older people to become alone. The younger generation have their own trials and if you're going to be an unpleasant pain in the arse, you're going to find that they don't want to visit or help out.

I find the excuses for MIL's behaviour to be ludicrous. The woman is only 64 for Christ's sake, only 4 years older than me. She's the one who started the conflict, she deserved to be put in her place. I have always given my seat to older people but should someone rudely demand it, they can piss off.

If anyone called me a bitch I’d never speak to them again. Well sorry maybe I’d forgive my child whose brain isn’t fully formed but that’s about it . Is she very rough and unintelligent? A normal person would never use that language . It’s like something off Shameless.

My dil always moves to the back seat in my son’s car to let me have the front. I usually tell her she doesn’t need to move but I think it’s nice she does. However my dil is lovely and we have always got on well, would never swear at each other and she’s a much better cook than me so I’m happy to do the dishes!

I would always offer my DM and MIL the front seat. I see it as a sign of respect and don’t feel it diminishes me.

Do you think your parents "rules" about manners and respect for elders has anything to do with the fact their behaviour is abusive and they were unlikely to ever earn your respect?

When I first read this I assumed your MIL was elderly but she is in fact 3 years younger than me!

Having read your updates there is clearly powerplay going on - I'm glad your husband took a firm stance, she sounds very rude & unpleasant

Its an unsaid pecking order.
Older folk get in front - When my daughter drives, my (ex) MiL gets in the front to have the heated seat. When my son picks me up, I'm happy to go in the back as my DiL is bigger than me and naturally more comfortable in the front. Although mostly she insists I go in the front so I can chat to my son, while she scrolls FB in the back. I mean, its not difficult, we all respect and like eachother, so whatever goes. If I demanded rudely to sit up front when they were doing me a favour - my son would bloody tell me about myself! :-)

Basic hospitality, I suppose? When you invite guests for dinner, do you keep the best cuts of meat and the most comfortable chairs for yourselves, because “we’ve paid for it”? I suspect not. The MIL was a guest in the car, and an older person at that, and it would have been absolutely the norm in every culture I know of for the OP to step out of the car and offer her MIL the front seat.

Of course, the MIL’s response was batshit, and there’s obviously a huge backstory here. But really the OP was unconscionably rude to begin with. I wouldn’t dream of speaking to my MIL like that - and I don’t even like her!

She shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, no question.

I was raised to always offer the front seat to the ‘older generation’. I would always jump out and let my mum or MIL get in the front. It’s not a big deal.

YANBU. Why do some old people think that their age gives them a pass to behave disrespectfully? You probably won't get much support on here, though. Mumsnet skews older and a lot of people on here are actually proud of being crones and harridans.

That said, I would offer and older person the seat over a younger person, because it is more dangerous in the event of a crash!

I wrote one post to you, and you are give it rest after the half dozen posts you’ve written chiding someone about another thread? You know it is against talk guidelines to talk about another thread in a thread? I am doing you a kindness by not just reporting you but giving you a chance to stop.

Sorry but I think that’s overly self sacrificing!

I just drive if there’s going to be three or more people going somewhere. As an adult, no one gets to decide that I’ll put myself through car sickness - I’d much rather childbirth again than car sickness!

I’d happily bring a second car, forego drinking, whatever is needed. I don’t sit in the backs of cars.

Huh? Please explain....

Did you miss the bit where MIL "ordered me into the back seat"?

Respect goes both ways.

Seems the queen bee wanted to sit in the front with her boy and for you to defer to her. Glad you didn't.

It's just a car journey. Why do so many people make such a big deal out of sitting in the front?

I know this isn’t to me but yes this is what I do.

And if someone is insistent I get a lift with them or “why not” or whatever I tell them clearly.

If for any reason I have to travel with others in a car I make it really clear beforehand so there’s every opportunity to agree that we’ll all travel separately, or I’ll get public transport or whatever.

What I don’t do is turn up on the day when someone is already settled in the front and demand the front because that would be rude.

Calling shotgun is very teenage. Older people are more likely to have pain and problems you can't see, and the poor woman was going to hospital. It doesn't mean you're better if you're in the front seat, or if you're driving. Drive if you want, and put your husband in the back, if it matters!
What she said was rude. But I always let someone with more issues than me pick where they sit, and tell my kids to give up seats for those likely to have more pain/problems than them.

The seats aren't equal. The front doors are more angled, which gives more space to swing your feet in, even if the space once in is the same. It's the reason I always get the front seat as I'm disabled and struggle with the backseat. That said, anyone who spoke to me like she did would be walking in future.

I think your MIL was really rude to you ,but you were rude to her first .
Personally ,if i was giving a lift to an elderly person taking them to a hospital visit and they preferred the front seat i would accommodate that.
I'd assume there are reasons the elderly person prefers the front seat eg: larger door openings, adjustability(useful for all manner of mobility issues) stable grab points,reduced motion sickness.