AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

I was of the view that YABU a bit, but read updates that your mum had paid for the dress before making her unhappiness felt. So not unreasonable to take space. As a carer sometimes you need to take a break.

I do think your DB should have been invited, especially if your mum was paying for the dress. If anyone was upset she could have said that he'd be the only relative omitted from her mums side and that (if she needed to justify it) that there was a contribution to the wedding so she felt obliged. If other branches of the family felt strongly I'm sure they could have managed a similarly generous gift.

It's hard to tell if your DM dementia is at fault here or if it's her personality.

Talk to your brother? Does he actually really want to come or is it mums interpretation.
reiterate your daughters wedding wishes to your brother and tell him to speak to his mom . It is he and your mom (albeit possibly dementia driven) that are upsetting/splitting the family - not you.

Being in a care home doesnt cause dementia to progress.

If you have dementia being in a place you recognise and living in a familiar way with a daily routine means your dementia can have far less compact. Moving somewhere new absolutely can make the symptoms much worse.

1. often dementia patients go through an angry stage. My dad did.
2. my sister only invited an aunt and uncle and not their son to her wedding. She didn’t pick up the phone beforehand to explain no cousins were attending due to numbers. They refused to go to the wedding. Your brother should absolutely have a call from the bride and groom to explain.

No such thing as ‘aggressive dementia’. There are different forms and each progresses differently, displaying different characteristics as it advances. A lot depends on the sufferer too as different character traits are heightened because of the condition. If OP’s mum has made a decision to pay for DD’s wedding dress, then she’s clearly got mental capacity so she can’t just be put in a care home unless she agrees - generally with dementia this approach isn’t good anyway, it can speed up deterioriation and should only apply when other avenues have been exhausted or aren’t working.

It's about time he stepped up then. I'd say you should take space permanently. Let the GC do the care.

It can definitely cause stress for a while until they settle, which isnt good on top of dementia, but you said it can worsen the dementia, which isnt the case

im not being a dick, its a bit of a sore subject and one im pretty evangelic about - I was told all sorts by social workers to guilt trip me into not putting a relative into a home, it makes dementia worse was one of them. When i told the consultant they were furious and that made me research it myself too.

Just wouldnt want anyone reading thinking it was true that care homes do make dementia worse, but i do now get that you meant it can appear to make it worse.

I kind of agree with this tbh.

So being mean and ungrateful is actually her normal personality and she has always favoured your brother over you, even though you are the only that looks after her?

It must be so demoralising to provide care for someone who doesn't apprecciate the sacrifices you have made.

It's your daughter's wedding so it is up to her who she invites and if she doesn't want your brother there and no aunts or uncles on either side aren't invited, it's really unfair for your parents to pressure her and you to invite him.

It’s to be clear we had it made very clear to us that Mum does not have dementia. She has mci which doesn’t automatically develop into dementia. Her assessment was March this year. I was told very firmly she still has capacity and she was still able to run her affairs. She forgets her train of thought and can get muddled over things like what day of the week it is. My Dad is physically very disabled and a big man, my Mum is tiny so physically cannot help him. She has always depended on him to sort everything so now uses me to do all that for her. She doesn’t drive for example so as Dad can’t either I drive them everywhere

she has not had a personality change, she has always been difficult - she literally has zero friends. People generally do not care for company

paying for the wedding dress was done several weeks ago - by my Dad from their joint account. I did not coerce her or force her. She has said she will pay since my daughter was born - I’ve not rubbed my hands and thought oh goody I can make a poor lady with dementia pay

As soon as I was aware she no longer wanted to pay for it I transferred the money. I did not stand over a vulnerable person and force them to pay. Once aware I gave notice on my savings, got hold of the money asap and paid her back. No one has gone into debt for more than a couple of weeks whilst the money comes through. I couldn’t bung this on my credit card

i have no control over who is and isn’t invited. To invite my brother would mean uninviting someone as the venue can only hold a very limited number (very small numbers). There is no party, just a meal with a strict number limit by the venue

care is arranged for the wedding day. My brother is less use than a chocolate teapot when it comes to looking after them as has been shown over and over

shes far far closer to other aunts & uncles than him. Groom has met him once in the 6 years they’ve been together. Other A and U they both see all the time. But not my wedding not my guest list. DD and partner are paying for wedding

with hindsight should she have gone - no. Do I regret taking her - yes. Did we want her to enjoy a special moment and feel involved and wanted to- yes. If I’d had any idea how she’d react I wouldn’t have taken her. There was literally no warning signs

Dementia or not, your mum was being a total cow. Does she have a history of being like this? I find as women get older (I’m talking very elderly), they become more outspoken and entitled - it comes across as rude.

Presumably they went with as Op is their carer.

I’m with Gertrude , I would quietly say I’ve had to go back to work for financial reasons and do so and let them
get carers in.

What is? My opinion?

You in tough situation and dealing with a lot at the same time. You should be able to meet your daughter without your mother with you and help her get some other wedding items or tasks done. Your mother meanwhile was annoyed that her brother was not invited to your daughter's wedding. She decided to kick off when you all went to shop for your daughter wedding dress. She had to complain about why her brother was not invited to the wedding and then about paying some money towards the wedding dress.

I think at this this stage with her behaviour it making you look at your current situation. You gave up work to mind her and help your father out. You have taken a hit financially doing this. Your father then complained that you're making your mother unhappy. He should have told your mother that your daughter was having a small wedding and decided not to invite all the aunts and uncles because of this.
Does he not realise all the help you giving both of them?
I think that you need to step back here. I would get social services involved and tell them that you're not longer available for care. Let social services or you parents pay for the extra care they now need. I would get back into employment to improve your own financial position also. Let your mothers golden child step up and help out.

I have a friend whose mother has some cognitive decline. It's all about what she wants and what suits her. Her mother at times is just looking for a reason to complain. Meanwhile her adult children are either married, have jobs and/or have kids of there own.
My friend already spent several weeks caring for her mother due to a health issue a while ago and it was hard work. Her mother did not even say thanks or gave her money for doing this.

Another friend of ours ended up caring for there mother with Alzheimer's before she had to go into a nursing home due to her care needs. My friend asked for there advice on how to deal with her mother and possible care needs going forward. They advised my friend to change jobs to one with more hours so she won't be available for care. They told her let your siblings step up and help out then or arrange careers if your mother needs help. My friend has decided to do early next year. This will improve her financial position also.

I agree that you are a tough situation.
This fiasco is going to cause a lingering rift between you and your parents.
There was a similar situation in my family when my Dbro got married. He said no cousins, one was raised by my grandmother considered an uncle but still a cousin, my Dbro decided to not invite him. It definitely caused a family rift, within a year after the wedding, true feelings came out, my DM lost her sisters for years, they were such a close family including her youngest brother who was technically a nephew but grew up with DM.
Things were never the same really. Luckily your family is smaller, my mother was one of ten.
My Dbro thought if he invited one he’d have in invite all. He had no idea what the consequences would be.

Just wanted to say you sound incredibly giving and kind. And you and your dd have been treated really badly, whether or not your mum can help it, but sounds like she’s always been difficult.
I also want to say that you don’t have to do this. It’s not ‘the right’ thing to do. You have the right to not feel like shit and overwhelmed most of the time and it’s a thankless task. Be more selfish. I’m a people pleaser so I know what it’s like but I absolutely say no to things more now and the world does not end.
take more time for yourself. Don’t always be available. You call the shots.
Also your mum was probably way out of her comfort zone driving 4 hours away sitting in a bridal shop. She needs a smaller familiar world and older people can really be like a dog with a bone on some subjects. Let her be in her familiar places and give yourself a break, every day.

It absolutely does. Mum’s dementia specialist nurse commented on the difference in disease progression between those in full time care and those supported to live at home. There’s evidence to suggest that despite the fact that dementia is driven by underlying physiological brain disease, living conditions can make a significant difference in the rate of functional decline and appearance of behavioural issues.

Staying in the home environment where there are established routines helps preserve sensory memory pathways for longer. Small things such as the smell or look of a garden, or even the familiar layout of the home can reduce anxiety and there’s research to suggest that some patients have higher activity levels and stay much more socially connected when cared for at home, which delays emotional decline.

That is true. They go downhill quicker. Often the people around them can’t communicate with them either and the staff is too busy.
It is a catch 22.

I spent many a 3am raging over how my Mother had behaved but after several years of it which tore me apart just as you describe and my heart goes out to you. This is how I made peace with it.

I think of dementia as having parallels with being a child.

So, you wouldn't always expect (say) a 7 year old to keep unacceptable emotions in or to see a problem from someone else's perspective or to see that their wishes cannot always be granted or see that their failiure to regulate is ruining everyone's day.

And you might also see that in someone with dementia too.

But It's not either of their fault. That's their level of development, their capabilities.

Difficult to accept in your Mother who obviously once had higher capabilities but has now lost them. You are expecting her to follow adult rules of behaviour but she is more like a child now. She climbed the developmental ladder, now she is descending down again.

I needed to build boundaries around my Mum. So before dementia I would always have tried to include her in every family event but after dementia I was more selective, keeping some events for me to enjoy as well some with her which often were more for her benefit and something for me to endure.

When my Mother made her horrible comments about people, I learned not to engage but to distract, just like you would with a child I made a joke of it. I changed the subject. I put some music on. I thought I saw that woodpecker in the garden again. (Then I vented to my husband when she'd gone.)

Anyway. good luck. Maybe go back to work. You shouldn't be reliant on your Mother for funds.

I am so sorry OP. I see your mum actually had mild cognitive decline and not dementia. And that she has always been difficult.
Yes take a break from your mum. It may be paid to carers for your dad would be a better option.

That is a very good way of looking at it.

I read your mum has cognative decline, rather than full on dementia, but I think it does illustrate that there are events/occasions which she finds easy and can cope with and some she can't. A wedding, maybe a long journey, meeting unfamiliar people, someone elses family, the formality.. might all be too much and potentially when tiredness sets in - irritation comes out (given how she reacted to the dress day. )

She has dementia! Are you ableist about people in wheelchairs? Complain when Deaf people can't hear you properly?
You say it's "mild" but it doesn't necessarily follow a set path. And something like one of her kids being excluded from a wedding, as in the kind of thing that might normally irk a person, but they'd be able to moderate when they mentioned it, is exactly the kind of thing that someone like your poor mum might "go on about".

Mild cognitive impairment is more marked than it sounds. And it has to obvious in order to get diagnosed. It correlates roughly with stage 3 dementia. When my father was first diagnosed with dementia he was given the label of MCI.

Most people over 75 have some degree of Cerebral Small Vessel Disease which brings symptoms of cognitive decline, mood changes & depression.