AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

Im so sorry what should have been a joyous special day for your DD and you has been spoiled by your DM.
i agree with other posters that dementia may be causing or contributing to such an awful reaction from her.
I think you were wise to pay for the dress and take some space.
As for your DD response ,perhaps you could explain your version of events and re iterate your DD reason for not inviting your DB to the wedding (presuming this was carefully explained by your DD and her husband to be to them,your DB and the other uncles/aunts?) Let the dust settle and talk to your DD ,better still your DD whose wedding it is and whose wishes matter most should speak to your DD .

Her only maternal uncle. Her mother’s only sibling.

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles.

She has paternal uncles. The fathers siblings count too.

You don’t need to highlight the text.

I fully agree with this. I voted yabu as I don't think you are fully understanding dementia. This kind of behaviour is often the first sign of dementia before any memory loss.
Maybe go back to work and get paid carers?

I haven’t read the full thread but from what I’ve read, I just felt so compelled to send you a huge online hug and say this sounds like a LOT, for you to deal with.
A lot of sacrifice & care on your part across your different family roles, and the only lasting thought I could think is you’re in the wrong dynamic for being an unpaid carer. The cost and harm to you & your own family unit, will be far deeper than anything you get from being the carer in a scapegoat /golden child dynamic - it can be so detrimental, and dementia is hard enough as it is, but with your brother as golden child, it’s hard or impossible to be the daughter you want to be, with these caring roles, without harm to you. I think getting paid help and finding a way to carve a new role for yourself outside this dynamic (work, volunteering etc- for you) will help.

I did.

Not when the balance is so vast. You make exceptions, unless of course you’re not bothered about the impact on her Grandparents who are paying for the dress.
The entitlement is wild.
You are like a shark? Is it your wedding?

Besides the point but I find it truly depressing and insane that you are in debt because of a wedding dress. It would never have occurred to me for anyone BUT ME to buy my wedding dress.

Why would your DD's uncle not be invited to at least some part of the wedding? And all the other Aunts and Uncle's too, how many are there? Unless it's just the bride and groom and two witnesses type of wedding.

I understand why your mum is really annoyed about it, aren't you a bit upset that your (only) brother won't see your (only) daughter get married? Is it in church? Can't they all at least come to the service, if they want to. Or can't you just have everyone back to the house or hire a hall and cater yourselves rather than a very limited sit down do, if that is what you are intending. It should be a family event excluding a lot of close family seems unfortunate.

OP, this is complete chaos. Weddings don't always bring out the best in people, do they?

Your comment about 'giving up your life' for your parents caught my attention. If this is how you feel, I think you should make a change. You are not obligated to do this and clearly feel resentful. I don't blame you but you do have agency here. Your brother sounds like he has not given up his life in a similar fashion and it doesn't sound like this is going well.

Dementia does change personality. Not sure we could explain your dad's attitude similarly though. I think you should step away, take back your life and suggest your brother is in charge. Your parents also sound resentful towards you. With the best will in the world sometimes actual relatives are not the best people to provide care. This situation doesn't sound like it is working for anyone. You can't fix everyone else's behaviour but you can change your own.

Your daughter can invite who she wants to the wedding. If she decides not to invite your mother after this debacle, don't argue. I can see a replay of this on the wedding day and I think you could do without it then.

I am so very sorry to hear about your brother in law and dog. You sound like you need to take some time away from family drama to meet your own needs. Please do this. Let everyone else argue elsewhere and don't engage. You might come to a different conclusion after some time but just now, take a break. Your quality of life is also very important OP. Save yourself just now.

FROM OP: my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles.

It is not her only Uncle - she had one just murdered (OP BIL) and several others by sound of it on her Dad's side of the family.

It's not just OP side here - it's her DH the brides dad - who seem to be going through hell at minute - but also the actual grooms large family as well.

Her only uncle from her mother’s side.
How many guests are attending this wedding?

I'm dealing with a personality change due to dementia in my own mother - so you have my sympathy. I think that you need to step right back now and drop the rope as I expect you have been enabling her to hide her deterioration to a certain extent. Take quite a bit of a break to get some space, not just a few days. Sometimes that can be enough to bring parents to realise how much they have taken you for granted. I also think you should have a serious chat with your DD about whether or not she wants your mother at the wedding - she might well be really horrible on the day and that would ruin everything.

TLDR: “I bullied my mother into paying for something she didn’t want to, is she unreasonable for getting the hump?”

I think that's fair.

You do realise when people talk about big families sometimes they do mean big families - even now I know some people my DC age with seven full blood ie both same parents - siblings it's very rare but that with plus ones and possibly kids and then grooms families could mean a huge number of additional people in some families.

I had ten people at my wedding - it was small as we were paying and it was direct family - that did not include uncles DH and I barely saw in our childhood - which for us would have meant another 6 people and possible then also their wives.

If this maternal uncle was close to bride you'd assume the bride would have invited him. She has not - she has also not repsonded to her DGP attempts to get an invertation. OP is not the bride - it is not her wedding her ablity to insist is limited - and frankly she doesn't sound very close to him either.

This is what I was thinking, it's not working out for any of you from what you describe.

Too far.

All of this is bang on. This is the behaviour of someone with full on dementia rather than mild cognitive impairment. Expecting someone with dementia to function like a rational person is unrealistic. You shouldn’t have attempted anything as ambitious as this. You need a reset in how you interact with your mum, and to shield your DD from the impact of grannies illness.

Take quite a bit of a break to get some space, not just a few days. Sometimes that can be enough to bring parents to realise how much they have taken you for granted

I was going to comment this. Considering the OP has taking the role of caring for them full time, and the mother has been difficult her whole life, you’d think the father would show a bit more respect to his daughter and at least hear her side of the story before shouting at her. This shows a level of entitlement from the father’s side.

Sounds like your mum has aggressive dementia and potentially needs to be in a care home. However, it doesn't mean you have to put up witg this. She needs professional help that you cannot supply. You tried to help your parents and stop them drowning, but you've inevitably thrown yourself in the water with them and now you are also drowning.

The kindest thing you can do is make a welfare referral, step back, and allow the relevant people deal with it. You need to look after your own mental health. Your daughter can also protect herself.

Additionally, your daughter is grieving an Uncle, yet will not invite a living Uncle. This does indeed sound like double-standards. Surely your daughter should see how short life is and want to share special moments with the living Uncle? It's a bit bizarre, unless the living Uncle doesn't bother with her and isn't very nice?

At this point, I would uninvite your parents, tell your Dad what happened, allow him to have his say on it, and if his opinion doesn't change; cut them off. Go NC. They are toxic and cannot be reasoned with. You are not a doormat regardless of age and health. Set boundaries.

Nope.

Putting someone in a care home at this stage of dementia would severely worsen her dementia. She isn't being violent. Much better to keep her in her home and have carers if needed. Care homes for dementia patients are when that is no longer enough.

Also you can't just out someone in a care home against their will. They would be assessed for capacity, and at this stage she is likely to meet capacity tests so would decide herself where she wants to live.