AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

Because the B&G don't want to Because the h groom.has a lot of aunts and uncles that they don't want to invite.

That would be down to the DD and her groom not the OP surely?

OP could make that case but if he's not good at doing any caring it may well fall to others of the day and uspet everyone else there or not invited of OP DH side or grooms.

I think your brother (& wife etc if he has any) should be invited, frankly.
Someone else will almost certainly drop out before the day, there's nearly always an illness or other problem). Being 'golden child' does not mean being left out of his nice's wedding.

I am sorry your mother was so obnoxious. She can't help it but knowing that makes it no easier.

I agree. Its unfortunate that the dress issue has come at the same time as the family trauma about your BIL.. which makes it seem worse.

I don't know how far away the wedding is, but it feels like you DM will keep obsessing about this and will ruin the wedding day just like she has the dress day. Unless you have a cast iron minder for her. It doesn't sound like your Dad is that either. With dementia, its about whether a formal occasion is suitable for them, and whether they can cope with it, without getting frazzelled and having an outburst. I'm guessing your DD is getting worried about this.

You've paid the money back. Their options to set rules about the wedding are over.
I agree with pps who say your role as DD has got mixed up with your role as carer. and I think that seeing you so regularly, they've forgotten that you are an adult with your own responsibilities, and think that you are there to listen to their orders. I also note that people do not value what they do not pay for. You should be getting some payment for this. You have given up paid employment to do it. If you want more space have you considered doing it on a more part time basis and they pay for a carer to come in on certain days. Perhaps when they realise how much that costs they will appreciate you a bit more.
You could'nt have predicted this and its too late now but you've given them too much information about the wedding plans... which has led them to thinking they can change or dictate those plans.

Does your brother even want to come? Has he been winding her up. Would a conversation with him help?
Maybe you could have a post or pre wedding celebration/dinner out just for your parents and brother etc.. where it doesn't matter how they behave? Alternatively Would compromising and inviting Brother actually work or change anything? Perhaps DD's fiance's family would be understanding. Given that its just one person. (you don't have to answer all these, its just thoughts)

You are in a very difficult to navigate position. I would move forward on the principle that your DD is a priority, not subject to the whims of people who are not firing on all cylinders. They cant be allowed to attempt to pressurise you to force you to pressurise her. EG.. I wasn't even bothered about having any bridesmaids at all. I compromised with tiny A, then B had to be added to "match" (?) then I was bullied by both sides "its not fair on C and D". By this time, it didn't matter than I agreed, they were all having a lovely time enjoying taking offence and complaining. Then they started adding extra guests. It really added unnecessary stress and took the shine off. I just don't understand why families think they own someone else's wedding.

It's not your DM's fault, but she has already demonstrated how she could well behave. Sounds like your Dad is in denial. You will spend from now until the event worrying about what she might say or do. Think very hard about ways to prevent it, talking to them etc... but ultimately if there's no let up, think about whether you really want someone there who is going to ruin it for your DD.

I don’t think any wedding needs hard and fast rules such as “no aunties or uncles on either side”. That’s a bit silly. Some people are close to wider family, some are not. There needs to be a much more flexible approach.

In this case your parents are frail enough to need full time carers. As you are mother of the bride, it would make sense for your brother to be there at the wedding to take some of the burden of watching out for your parents away from you. Especially as your mum loves being around him so much.

I think you are expecting too much from your mum.

You need more than a few days' space from this dysfunctional family. I cannot believe what I just read.

You are not being unreasonable. I think you need to be thinking of yourself more. I helped look after my mother when she had dementia. She was never rude or difficult. I know dementia affects people differently but her personality didn't really change. She was a very calm woman. I couldn't have done it if my mother was like yours. You should set some limits on what you are willing to do to help.

Only you know if this is your mother's personality or her dementia. Whichever it is I'd be suggesting both her and your dad are uninvited from the wedding.
She's willing to ruin to ruin the wedding dress appt so I wouldn't trust her at the wedding.

This.

No matter their excuses, or reasons, neither one of them gets to do this to your adult child. Protect her from them. That is your responsibility, not placating these shitweasels.

You were the one who initially tried to be snarky with the "cant people read?" post in response to mine. And carried it on and on. So of course im replying, thats sort of how these things go. (Although tbf i normally get bored much quicker 😂 I must be in a good mood)

Yes none of this makes any sense- is it one of those fishing Ai stories

She is angry. She probably can’t hide it well. I personally think it is awful to leave your Dbro out. You have a small family. I wouldn’t for a moment allow my wedding destroy this.
Her partner can exclude his extended family. I think your DD should not have snubbed her only uncle.

It isn't her wedding. But beyond that, there are a myriad of reasons which you would know if you had READ THE THREAD.

That would be down to the DD and her groom not the OP surely?

Yes of course. It just occurs to me that if the groom has a big family, they'll all be invited to lots of family weddings, whereas this brother of op is only ever likely to be invited to one. It just seems unfair that by dint of having little in the way of family he misses out on the wedding of his niece because her groom has a huge array of relatives. That's assuming he's bothered about going. If he isn't, fair enough. It's like, you have no family but I've got loads so you can't come.

Maybe I'm not making much sense. But I know what I mean:)

Her partner can exclude his extended family. I think your DD should not have snubbed her only uncle

Yes. This.

and so does the bride!

I am so sorry OP, this all sounds terribly terribly difficult. Take some time away and reassess. If she's still raging, please don't allow her to ruin the wedding and reception for your poor daughter.

It does when you read it. 😫

OP Can I ask how your brother actually feels about not being invited? Is he close to your DD, is he actually bothered.

my DH is one of 6 siblings and he was the only one not invited to his nieces wedding, BUT he hadn’t seen her for years, was never close to her and was not in the slightest bit bothered. All the other siblings and niece lived in the same area. We are 300 hundred miles away.

infact, it was a blessing that we didn’t have to go ( we’re quite anti social to be fair)

Weddings and who gets invited to them, and who gets to decide on the guest list, are often governed by many complex issues. Budget, family history, relationship sensitivities, likes, dislikes, size of the venue, desire to have children there or not, whether there is a separate evening do or not. All these things give very individual context. There isn't much room for a 'one size fits all' protocol

I am. Bored. Does that count?

I don't understand what you mean, it sounds like the Op only has a brother, i wasn't agreeing/disagreeing with anything i was just answering a question.

Her mother lives 5 mins away from the Op.
The brides lives 4 hours away.
The OP’s mother offered to pay for the wedding dress and forwarded the money for it weeks ago. No forcing required.

It's not her only uncle.

I think the bigger problem is your dad. You've dealt with what happened between you and your mum over payment for the dress. Your DD is within her rights to keep the wedding small however she needs to. I agree with others that your mum's behaviour is consistent with dementia so if you reconcile you need to take that into account. How reasonable is your dad? Ideally, you need to talk to him to try and clear this up. Surely he doesn't want to permanently do without your support? However, he might be unrealistic at the moment about how much they rely on you. Maybe give him a few days to calm down and try again. He may well be missing you by that point and you need the break, too. BTW, make sure they are claiming attendance allowance and you carer's allowance if you have not.