AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

I'd go NC at this point. I've got a difficult family and honestly it doesn't get better.

It's got this far because you've let all the other bullshit go, so now they think they can tread all over you like a doormat. If you let this go too, even after a few days break, you're basically giving them the green light to treat you like this whenever they want.

I'd contact SS and get a care assessment set up. I wouldn't bother being there as advocate, you'll just get pressured by SS and chewed out by your parents for being a shit daughter (you're not). Don't put yourself through it. Just tell parents and SS that you're no longer providing care with immediate effect.

Go take a part time job to boost your income, the extra money will be handy with your reduced pension, it'll be less stressful, probably less hours than being your parents carer and you'll come into contact with people who might become friends, instead of people hating on you for having any boundaries like your parents are doing.

What they've done is unforgivable IMO, especially your dad who doesn't have the excuse of dementia. Your poor DD.

If you remain their carer you'll become ill yourself. The mental load of dealing with people who have this type of attitude is just too much, even without being their carer. Escape while you can and while you still have your health. I did escape eventually but not until my health was ruined. I regret that now.

Sorry to hear about your Mum’s illness, your BIL’s death and the passing of your pet, it sounds like a tough situation all round. I think your Dad was always going to take your Mum’s ‘side’ as he agrees with her that the bride’s maternal uncle should be invited to the wedding and this may be a way of escalating that grievance and keeping up the pressure to get what they want. Is your brother actually bothered about coming?

If your Dad relies on you for physical care he may also consider the ‘taking space’ to be abandoning a vulnerable, disabled, elderly family member who has no other option to meet his basic needs (I’m not saying that’s the case, just that he might see it that way). Also, it seems the uncle who died recently wasn’t invited to the wedding, so your parents probably don’t think your daughter or her Dad were close to him or would be very upset, otherwise surely he would have been invited. Lots of people don’t have pets or understand how much they mean to families so it’s easy to imagine your Dad thinking the suggestion your daughter can’t discuss the wedding invites because of the bereavements is just an excuse.

I think you’ve done the right thing in paying for the dress and I would try to let everything cool off for now. Once the initial shock of the bereavements and arguments passes you will be able to think more clearly about if you stop caring for your parents and return to work and how the wedding can be managed.

If I’d had any idea how she’d react I wouldn’t have taken her. There was literally no warning signs

...except an entire lifetime of being such a cow that she has zero friends and alienated everyone. I'd say that's a pretty big sign.

nobody receives training for this

You have received training though...in putting up with your parents crap!

If I were your DD, I would un-invite them both from the wedding. I would say that she was looking forward to sharing their special day until they made it about them and their son.

Your mother’s dementia is most unfortunate and very sad but doesn’t sound like an excuse for her current behaviour and certainly isn’t an excuse for your father’s behaviour. They sound selfish and demanding personalities.

The special day is about the bride, groom and their wishes. I would absolutely remove them from the picture if they cannot behave.

You've done the right thing by returning the dress money. I suggest you have a think and give them time to reflect about the future before you make any further decisions about their long term care

cos she got a loan. keep up ffs.

@Biggles27 I don’t really know why everyone is on your case here. You did nothing wrong.

Crikey OP you don't need any of that in your life.

YANBU

I come from a huge family, so no need to tell me.
The OP hasn’t said that it is a small wedding of ten guests as I’m sure she would have mentioned.
If this maternal uncle was close to bride you'd assume the bride would have invited him. She has not Close relationships is not the reason he isn’t being invited. He isn’t invited because if you invite one you invite all, so no I wouldn’t assume that was the reason he isn’t invited as the reason has been explained.
If one of my siblings or cousins were getting married and said no uncles/aunts that would be fine. If future partners mun only had one family member compared to our 19 invited we wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

The thing is, you’re saying it’s a small wedding, but then treating it like a big wedding with grand parents going to dress choosing days and paying for the dress. If you mess about excluding one family member “to make it equal on both sides” you’re going to have things like this happen. Even without the dementia aspect. I imagine your mum envisaged a lovely family wedding with everyone there when she offered to pay for the dress and was probably shocked and upset that her son wasn’t invited. And yes she was sulky and not nice at the dress shop. But I can understand why to some extent. It’s absolutely true that you can invite or not invite whoever you want at your wedding, but you have to deal with the consequences of that, especially if you’re roping them into buying a dress that requires a loan to pay for it if granny doesn’t!

Your mum has dementia and you making her pay for her grand daughters dress no wonder shes pissed off!! Have some respect for your mother rather than using her as a cash cow and if your daughter cant afford a dress dont get married!

Take a few days break and let the dust settle. If you're their carer, it will take time to unpick those arrangements, so they can't suddenly cut you off for good. I'm sure they'll realise this when they've calmed down and will likely contact you. If they don't then you'll need to get in touch and talk to them about how things will be going forward.
You've done nothing wrong, so have nothing to apologise for. So your best approach is calm and practical. Take some time for you and wait them out.

It's the mother using her daughter the OP, not the OP using her mother! Try reading OPs posts.

Honestly? Both your parents sound awful and I wouldn't be giving up my own life/future to be looking after them at that level. Go back to work, prop up your own future retirement and life, and let them pay for carers. They'll probably enjoy having something else to moan about.

My husband and I had a very small wedding with strict number restrictions (Covid) and we had to limit our guest list. My husband comes from a very small family - he has his parents, his brother, a SIL, one uncle, one aunt and 2 cousins who at the time were single. My parents, siblings, their partners and children meant I was inviting more people than his entire family with just my immediate family. Naturally, his uncle, aunt and cousins were right at the top of the invite list. My uncles and aunties were on the ‘reserve’ list if Covid numbers allowed and my numerous cousins weren’t even considered. Sometimes you have to look at family circumstances (and not exclude a single member of a whole family) and not just do a blanket rule on titles. People do understand.

Do keep up just read the OPs posts if you cant be bothered to read the thread

Honestly going to choose a dress is a lovely idea shame it went to shit

Wow your poor DD and poor you. I can question the wisdom of taking your mum given she can be difficult but appreciate if she sent money to pay for the dress then she might feel she should be included. In the future I would take any offers of money as being "with strings attached" and refuse accordingly. Personally I would not want them at the wedding. If they are both so disabled how will they cope during the day?

Long term I would rethink your plan of you being their full time carer. They both sound manipulative and unpleasant people so giving up your job and so much of your time to help them would not be high on my agenda. Make them pay for carers and just go and visit them when you wish.

If your DD and her husband are not close to your brother and aren't bothered whether he is there or not that is their call. Nothing to do with you and definitely not your mum or dad.

There was literally no warning signs

Very gently, I disagree.
Yes you didn’t know she had a huge issue with her son not being invited and wanted to make a point about it by withdrawing the dress money.

But what is not new is

• the fact she’s always been difficult
• your brother is tte golden child.
• they EXPECT you to care for them

Now, having parents who are just as emotionally immature as both your parents are, I think you need to draw boundaries. On how much and what kind of care you’re giving. On how much you’re involving them in your dd marriage preparation and marriage (I’m thinking like is your mum going to kick up a huge fuss on the day of the wedding?). It is lovely that you want to make their lives as easy and as nice as possible, to involve them etc…. But you really need to be careful to not them in a place where YOU end up burnt out and not coping.

Btw, taking some time out was totally ok. Your mum used you as an emotional punching bag. That’s exhausting and not ok.
Your dad saying he didn’t want to talk to you again. Well …. Fine. They can périe ce life wo your support. I would t hold my breath that theyll start appreciating you more but it might help wake them up a bit.

RTFT
Or at least the OP’s posts. There isn’t that many of them

Oh fuck off...you invite one uncle you have to invite them all. What makes him more important than the future son in laws uncles and aunties.

Honestly this all sounds awful.

I think you should tell them you have to return to work and they will have to get carers in. You can’t go on like this.

Stop allowing your parents to control your household @Biggles27 .
You seem to think that you, your DH and even your DD deserve to take shit off them. There is zero chance I would allow my mother to talk to one of my children in that way.
You allowed your Mum to ruin what is supposed to be a lovely day for your child.
Let the golden child look after them, go back to work and look after YOUR household.
What are you doing?

Op says there are Uncle and aunts on brides parental side who she is much closer to than have not been invited.

The Op doesn't sound close to her brother or honestly sounds like she likes him much. The only people apparently pushing for him to be there is the Op parents the bride grandparents- who are not paying for the wedding - bride and groom were stated to be doing so - and are just guests trying to insist more guests are invited - which honestly is a bit rude.

The bride hasn't invited him - has other uncles and aunts who be higher in list of invites and the groom also has uncle and aunts not invited.

I just find your reasoning he must be invited as only one left out bizzare - maybe the bride is being dipolmtaic to this uncle saying we are not invinting uncles and aunts rather than choice words about dumping his parents care on her mother after a lifetime of favoritism.

Upshot is if the bride and groom wanted this uncle there they would have issued an invitation to their wedding - they have not - and Op can not change that and from her replies doesn't much want to either.

The size of the wedding and who you think the bride should be close to based on your family - is irrelavant. The Op can not invite this uncle - and is not asking if he should be there - she asking if she is unreasonable to take a step back here - which clearly she is not.

I think that this situation isn’t sustainable. I also think that your mum’s health has deteriorated more than you realise and that if she attends the wedding, it will become more about your brother not being invited, rather than the bride or groom. I’d have a chat with your DD and ask her to think very carefully if she and her fiancé are prepared for that.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, nor have your DD and her fiancé by excluding all aunts and uncles so it’s completely fair. I think your DF might need a reminder of exactly how much he depends on you right now, and how much of your life you’ve given up for them. It might also do them both good to see how little help Golden Boy offers. In your shoes, I’d keep back for a while, until your dad contacts you. Even if you send him a message saying that the ball is in his court and you’ll be there as soon as you’ve had a break from each other.

Your mum has cognitive difficulties. I’ve lived the dream, and you need to get over yourself.

Your personal attack on me.