AIBU to tell my daughter to report a flatmate's mother?

[Boxingshibes]

Dd went to university a couple of weeks ago. She is setting in well and likes her flatmates.
Unfortunately there seems to be a problem with one of them. She is an international student and her mum came over to help settle her in, all fine.
BUT
The mum is still there, sleeping in the same room as the daughter.
The rest of them are getting increasingly annoyed as she's just there and as she doesn't speak any English it's difficult to ask what her plans are.
When dd moved in her contract said that she wasn't allowed any overnight guests to stay more than 2 consecutive nights.
Its been 2 weeks!
I've told them to go to student housing/ welfare and say something. Maybe they can do something?
Surely at the very least it's a safety issue if there was a fire or something as this woman isn't supposed to be there?
The rest of them dont want to get this girl and her mum into trouble but if the mums visa runs out surely that's worse?
I know I can't do anything but how do I get through to dd?

Halls of residence should be easy to deal with, much easier than having a landlord no-one ever sees. Simply go to the student accommodation office, report it and complain. The girl must speak some English or how is she going to manage her course?

I can't imagine any of the housemates are going to care about the potential fire risks etc when they are all having new boyfriends and girlfriends staying over in their rooms so it seems a bit daft complaining on that score. And her visa running out is really a bit wild reach and none of your concern.

Your DD should just go to student services and say 'This woman is harshing our mellow and she shouldn't be there. One or two nights is acceptable but two weeks is not. Has she moved in permanently or what? Sort it out please or we are going to withhold our rent.'

Wtf is wrong with these parents

Whilst I agree that the situation is unacceptable and needs to be raised with the halls management team, I’m going to play devil’s advocate as there seem to be a lot of misconceptions…

I work at a university with a high percentage of Chinese students. I was in a meeting last week around cultural differences (which included Chinese staff), and one difference that was noted was that many Chinese students do not perceive themselves to be adults. They believe that they are children which is why they have different expectations.

Most Chinese students have great respect for their parents and would not want to do anything to dishonour them.

Not all Chinese students come from wealthy backgrounds. Competition for well-paid jobs is fierce, so wider families may pool their resources to send a young person to a British university.

Until 2024, women could retire at 50 in China, so it’s quite possible that the mum has retired and therefore the family see it as helpful that she can accompany the ‘child’ to university to make sure that she has healthy traditional food cooked for her… and to make sure that she is studying (which protects the family’s investment). An international university experience is viewed in the same way as boarding school. Most Chinese students do not go out socialising in the same way that British students do. It is more common that they will go out for food together and then go to the library! The mum probably wants to make sure her daughter sleeps well, which is why she was perturbed by noise at 11pm.

Many halls do not have any monitoring of visitors. It’s not feasible to sign them in and out as large complexes may have multiple buildings with only one reception covering all of the buildings.

Me too.

Then they should rent out a private house. It was clearly set out in halls rental agreement in regards to expectations for visitors.

So self righteous, aren’t you? And I say that as a foreigner and ex-international student myself, I’ve just posted my personal experience living in student accommodation.

I would argue that these young British students have every right to feel uncomfortable sharing their home with a middle aged woman they cannot communicate with, and whom shouts at them in a language they don’t understand.

This is absolutely crazy, yes do report it, it needs to be sorted out asap.

They've tried talking to the roommate, now I would tell your dd to report it to the student housing authority. If that doesn't work, you should report and escalate yourself.

And this with bells on for the person whose child has an adult man bunking in with his son in halls of residence.

I thought my friend was bad enough - her mum stayed in an RV in a college carpark for the week after dropping her off. She got her sister to call and tell her to go away.

Or something to do with the fact her name isn’t on the tenancy and she shouldn’t be there, so if there’s a fire and there isn’t any record of this woman she could be left in the flat

In this case definitely report the mother. Everyone else is paying to live there and she is not!

In my DDs 1st year halls, small flat with ensuite bathrooms, parents very occasionally stayed one or two nights. I didn't, I stayed in a hotel. Two weeks is taking the mickey.

Why do so many people nowadays find it unthinkable to ask a simple direct question?

I shared with some international students nearly 30 years ago. There Mum’s did stay for a few days to settle them in, get to know us all and cooked us great meals. They all had their return journeys booked though. 2 weeks is far too long and not having a leaving date is odd. Encourage your DD to speak to accommodation staff about this. Part of moving away is dealing with issues yourself, not having a parent phone for you.

Then they should hire a private flat, not ruin halls for everyone else.

The cultural difference are interesting but...this is the UK, and halls of residence. That is not in our culture and students from other countries need to adapt to the British system!
If she and her mum want to live together, then they find their own flat and live like there, not interfere with other students.

Sorry what is your point? Surely as a university with a high percentage of Chinese students it is your role to educate students and parents on legal and cultural norms of UK universities and support them through the process?

Or do you just take the money and let 18 year old students deal with the fallout?

Is she going to lectures with her daughter? She has no right to dictate the behaviour of her daughter's flatmates, nor to shout at them. Bypass the flatmate and her mother and just report to the accomodation manager and student services

Invite some boys you trust over. Better still some boys with a dog.

I would just call them myself

An as ex-international student who is usually understanding to cultural differences, your points above are irrelevant. Their cultural differences should not inconvenience their British roommates.

This needs to be reported. The mother shouldn't be staying there. Its student accommodation. She is not a registered university student.

For those posters saying to leave it, and it isn't an issue. Would you be saying the same if it was a man ?

They need to report it. Possibly the girl doesn't want her there either!

At DS's hall you had to be signed in, and there was 24/7 security, and if you didn't have keycard had to wait for security to let you in. And you had to give notice for any guests and a limit for length of stay.

I assume mum hasn't left the building

Yes I'd report it. Your DD and her other flatmates have tried to address it with her and she's evading the question. The flatmate's mum is also being a PITA.

OP, if your daughter agrees to it, you yourself could ring the student service / halls management. That way your daughter and her friends can hold their heads up and say that it wasn't them, if asked by the flatmate with mum, if that helps them feel better.

The poor daughter, she must be mortified. The mother is stopping her from making friends

Eh, how about no?

The others are all there to get some independence from their own parents so the last thing they need is someone else’s mother hanging around like a spare part