AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

1. tell them to behave
2. bin him (and them off)

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this?

Why is this something for you to do something about?

Dump him and find a more capable partner. Can you imagine hanging around and procreating with him? You'd have such a hard time coparenting with him. It's just not worth it 😕.

Him getting defensive and making excuses for their behaviour is not a good sign. I couldn't imagine having feral children and expecting a partner to put up with shit. I would be so embarrassed. He seems self-absorbed and selfish to not see this.

You would 100% be taken for granted, disrespected and used in this scenario. He is not going to change and his children aren't going to change either.

Get rid of them all
It will be the same if not worse as time goes by.

Walk away now!
If you criticise his or his exs parenting in any way shape or form, you will be classed as the stepbitch from hell.
Lets not forget that he's likely to want you to be the nanny with a fanny to these ferral scrotes, but obviously you won't be allowed an opinion in the matter.
The dad will aleays defend his children and heaven forbid you bring your own children into this dysfunctional mix; it'll be an absolute disaster!
Run for the hills and don't look back!!!

Sit the fuck down and use cutlery?

Or if she's not comfortable dealing with the kids herself saying to bf - why the fuck do you allow this disgusting behaviour? (I mean, it's obvious it's because he's a shit parent but I guess it's worth asking to see if it makes him realise).

Honestly though op this would have happened once, maybe twice in my presence before I just upped and left.

Cross posted sorry. You're absolutely not being unreasonable.

I cannot believe a 12 year old is still eating with their hands, running around in restaurants and throwing food.

Leave!!!! Don’t have a baby with a man who it so obviously a terrible parent. All discipline will be up to you and he won’t back you up

Op, my brother raises his children like this. They are loud, get whatever they want and the youngest has no issues in throwing tantrums over the slightest inconvenience. What makes it all even more obnoxious is my brother will literally take anyone's head of if he feels they have been in any way slighted. It makes it impossible to be around my brother and his children.

Can anyone tell me, why do some fathers behave in this way?

I’m afraid I agree with this Op.

This situation isn’t about to improve with the eldest child entering the teen years before too long. And your bf has another fifteen years of hands on parenting ahead of him.

Also, you are in an impossible position Op, because you can’t really discipline them yourself, or it’s not your job.

And fathers who only parent part time tend to feel guilty for leaving the family home and can sometimes over-indulge their dc as a result.

I would leave before you get too more entrenched. Sorry. And no need to feel guilty either.

It’s very much not the children’s fault. They haven’t been taught properly.

“When he only has them half the time” What is he talking about? That’s 3.5 days every week. Excuses excuses.

Good for you for realising you cannot continue with this relationship. He’s demonstrated he’s a class below you, you don’t want to breed with this.

Get out, now!

Big 🚩
Why do you want this man as a sperm donor for more feral kids???

Whats he going to do when another diner ends up with spaghetti bolognese all over them. Highly likely with his brats throwing food around

Also, agree with pp that it’s a very bad sign that he is blaming their mum for the DCs’ behaviour which tells you two things; one he is not taking on any of the parenting responsibility himself, and two, he isn’t willing to change and he isn’t suddenly going to become a more competent parent, even for your sake.

Run away now. God can you imagine the teenage years? Utter nightmare and you do not want to have a child with this man child.

Didn’t you say anything when they were running around your house with handfuls of spaghetti bolognese?

I have a 5 & 3 year old and they would never behave like this either at home or in a restaurant... In fact I don't know any of their cousins or friends who behave like this either. Those kids are absolutely feral because they have terrible parents. Time to break off the relationship I'm afraid OP.

Can anyone tell me, why do some fathers behave in this way?

I am not sure, but it’s not just fathers. I have a friend of a friends who’s children sound just like your brother’s, and the OP’s DP’s. Dare I even say this, they actually might be worse. I have witnessed one of them call her dad a ‘stupid dickhead’ (she is 7!) and shouted at her grandparents at a birthday party.

The parents get defensive when their behaviour is highlighted, I imagine because they feel their parenting is being indirectly criticised (and rightly so). They know they’re useless and don’t want to mirror held to their face.

I wouldn't have children with someone who had 3 well behaved kids, let alone 3 savages.

Definitely walk away. Having children with this man is a very very bad idea and his existing kids are proof of why.

This is a snapshot of life to come, OP. Pay attention to it. You two sound like you are incompatible in terms of parenting and I don't think having a child with someone with massively different values/expectations is a route to happiness. I would feel exactly the same. So sorry, OP. Would you want your home life to be like this?

Pointing the finger at their mum, and not taking responsibility for his lack of parenting would be an issue for me. He has them the same amount of time as she does, and preumably was around before they separated. They are equally responsible. It sounds like he isn't even trying.

I'm a step-parent and take it from someone a good few years down the line you are currently on- you will not regret leaving. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is have children with a man who already had them, and my stepkids behave far better than it sounds like yours do and their dad would never allow them to behave like that, however they do do many other things that I wouldnt be happy with my own children doing. I thought that only seeing them some of the time would mean that my own children wouldnt be affected so much by it, but they ended up coming living here so now my own children are surrounded by it as they grow up and it is really hard to stop them from picking up those traits and behaviours (for example my stepkids are very whiny and negative, my own children weren't at all until they came to live with us full time and over time they have become more and more whiny and negative too which I hate and find incredibly draining, it's not in my nature and it never used to be in my children's nature either).
Then there are so many other factors that aren't related to bad behaviour- you won't necessarily get to give your children the childhood traditions you hoped you would, because your stepchildren have already had theirs and so they can't be changed (particularly if any of them still believe in Santa- I found this very hard as Christmas is a huge thing in my family and culture), holidays are far more complex as are days out as you have children over a wide age range, but as they are not all yours it makes it even more difficult as your stepkids will likely want to hang out with their dad doing something more age appropriate than you can you with young children, so you are always left alone literally holding the baby while they do. None of this is the stepchildren's fault but it makes life so much harder and arguments and disagreements more likely. I wouldn't change my children for the world and I genuinely love my stepchildren, but if I had any idea how hard it was going to be I wouldn't have done it (but if I could go back in time, I would still do it all over again just to have the children that I did have).

You and your DP have different parenting standards - it is not going to work and is a recipe for disaster. This is your massive red flag waving. Heed it.

I'll add to the mix. Leave NOW!! No arguing, pleading, negotiating. His children are not yours neither is it your job to control them. Do NOT get pregnant. The situation with the children is not yours to fix.