AIBU to worry after DS10 was blocked by several classmates?

[Sprostongreeen]

DS10 has been blocked on WhatsApp by a few of his friend group.

last week he was trying to message one of them and noticed that messages weren’t going through. He then noticed that their photo was missing on their profile. He then noticed this had happened with 3 of them on the class chat. I have one of them as a contact but the photo was still showing on mine).

he has no idea why they have blocked him: I’ve had a look through his messages and he wasn’t doing anything before they blocked him (ie no arguing, being nasty, spamming with nonsense) in fact, there has barely been any online comms for a few weeks between them.

during the holidays he suggested a meet up one night between those friends and they all declined and then apparently discussed it on the class chat, where another classmate called them out and the posts were deleted before DS could see it.

im just fed up of the passive aggressive behavior to my son: it’s not the full group of friends (many aren’t online). I’m concerned about this impacting his confidence or mental health longer term.

any advice as to how to support him

But you’re just giving him more access to bullies by providing him with a smart phone?

Get him off WhatsApp. They are way too young to navigate group chat dynamics at ten.

Problem with WhatsApp is that it can be set to disappear the message, so a lot more can be send/received and you wouldnt be aware.
My kids are a bit older 12 and 13 (secondary school). I had to almost teach my kids about "phone ettacasy", . Its almost like a different language.

My kids didn't get whats app until about a year ago, for exactly that reason. I also wouldn't allow them in any group chats till they had got a bit older.
Ps why have you got another childs on whats app? Or have I misunderstood?

How far is his journey to school?

So you are not going to listen to the people here even though the advice is overwhelming and your child is being hurt.

Will you at least read some research?
https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/the-issue/evidence#relatedreports

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/social-media/chat-apps/

There is advice on how to cope with it here

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/types-bullying/bullying-social-media/

"I just prefer knowing where he is and that he has arrived safely" - there are other ways to manage this e.g. brick phone. The school will call if he doesn't turn up.

Re WhatsApp parent managed accounts, why does he need it? Why not just text you? Or you actively manage it to just be family members.

Why does he need to call you when walking to school?

If he really does and you're going to announce some exceptional reason, then he needs a brick phone to do that

And while bullying can take lots of forms, its a lot more isolationist and intense via social media/messages on phones

He is too young, take it away.

I don't think a 10 year old should be on WhatsApp. The amount of drama that my children thankfully missed out on in primary was unbelievable, as they didn't have a phone. I would take WhatsApp off his phone. My personal opinion is that these platforms are aimed for adults, and children are not mature enough to deal with the groups they get added in to. Children do really stupid things on these group chats (speaking from experience, as I have an older DC who reported something from a group chat, which ended up with police involvement). These groups can be dangerous, not to mention being added into random groups, full of strangers. I think that is more of a risk than him walking to school without a phone. Let him be a child for as long as possible.

You are to blame. You're the parent going against the rules! 10 year olds shouldn't be on WhatsApp. Take it off and use flippin SMS.

Such a shame that it seems that you’ve chosen to ignore the overwhelming advice to remove WhatsApp from his phone and to reconsider how his phone is used. Yes bullying has always been a thing but WhatsApp and phones means this all comes home too, to what should be his safe space.

OP: please help with suggestions.

PP: take the phone away.

OP: No.

The end.

No. It's 13+.
Stop it now. He doesn't need a smartphone, this is doing untold damage. Listen to all the advice on here.
If it's too dangerous for him to walk to school, move somewhere with less violent crime.
Otherwise get him an old brick phone and stop him accessing stuff that will permanently impact him

Absolutely. Talk about frustrating. Why are some parents just so oblivious?

@Sprostongreeen you are deluded, you want to helicopter a short walk to school and track your child but have no qualms about allowing access to harmful online bullying. Please research smartphonefree childhood movement.

if you can trust him to walk to school then you need to continue to take him or take him to breakfast club. One of mine walked to school alone from y5 another we didn’t as a bit immature until spring Y6. They do not have smart phones in secondary either. This is a new thing, other classmates in secondary have all sorts of problems with pictures, group chats and constant calling on FaceTime. One of mine actually is glad we didn’t give him a phone after seeing this drama, the other one moans but I have explained it’s illegal in some countries and that we have a responsibility to protect and their whole adulthood can be spent using a phone when I can’t control that.

This ⬆️

OP, you carry on. Maybe go away for the weekend and leave him unsupervised. Perhaps give him a bottle of whisky and the car keys.
However, don't let him walk to school without back up from a smartphone!

Phone or no phone, the main issue is that those are not real friends so take this as an opportunity to help him see that real friends are kind and that sometimes it is best to walk away from people who are not kind to us. You said it is not all the children so probably there are other kinder children that he can spend more time with? Maybe you can help facilitate him meeting up with those kinder children outside school? If some friends are not online, can they call each other on landlines or do you have the parents’s numbers? Also, does your child have friendships outside school, if not, are there any sports, clubs or activities he could join to make more friends? Good luck!

You only know where the phone is, not where he is.

Yes bullying happened before smarth phones. But you know what it was left at school, I was bullied at school a lot but my safe place was home. It didn't follow me home at all, that's the difference with smartphones it can follow kids everywhere.

I would swap his smartphone for a basic phone, that's what DS had at that age. I'm surprised the primary school don't make them hand them in. They did at DS school. He won't be allowed it at high school anyway and they are going to ban social media for under 16's next year so you might as well sort it out now.

i feel a lot of people are missing the point. Should this kid have a phone? Of course not.

Now let’s get to the nub of the issue. The kid is being excluded by friends? So I would take him off WhatsApp and see if it carries on. Then use the usual channels of speaking to school and trying to resolve it. I assume he will be in secondary school next year so I would chose that school wisely.

phone usage as sanctioned by the parent is not the schools problem. Schools have enough to be dealing with to start having to deal with WhatsApp drama. Keep your 1 year olds off phones and WhatsApp

Ignoring the terrible decision to install WhatsApp on the phone (it’s not mandatory to have WhatsApp on a smart phone)….
how have the friends been with him at school?

Parents need to be parents!

The people who design these systems don’t let their children near them - schools in Silicon Valley would have no need to ban phones as parents who work in tech know the damage it does to developing brains and their children have phone free childhoods.

I can only imagine the problems your son will encounter at secondary school, @Sprostongreeenunless you stop smartphone usage now.

your poor boy. However if there's a big gap in the conversation, could he have deleted some of the messages? Are you sure he hasn't been arguing with someone on there? Either way agree with the others, get rid of the WhatsApp.