AIBU to worry after DS10 was blocked by several classmates?

[Sprostongreeen]

DS10 has been blocked on WhatsApp by a few of his friend group.

last week he was trying to message one of them and noticed that messages weren’t going through. He then noticed that their photo was missing on their profile. He then noticed this had happened with 3 of them on the class chat. I have one of them as a contact but the photo was still showing on mine).

he has no idea why they have blocked him: I’ve had a look through his messages and he wasn’t doing anything before they blocked him (ie no arguing, being nasty, spamming with nonsense) in fact, there has barely been any online comms for a few weeks between them.

during the holidays he suggested a meet up one night between those friends and they all declined and then apparently discussed it on the class chat, where another classmate called them out and the posts were deleted before DS could see it.

im just fed up of the passive aggressive behavior to my son: it’s not the full group of friends (many aren’t online). I’m concerned about this impacting his confidence or mental health longer term.

any advice as to how to support him

That's good, so he's not isolated or lonely. Is there no-one he can walk to school with?

Well, he asked one the kids that blocked him (as he walks past the end of our street on his way with a couple of other classmates), who was a bit funny with him about it. It seems that although they are friends at school and sit together at lunchtime: there is also a bit of excluding my son going on at times. Thankfully my son has made other friends at school too as the class mix has changed.

That's a shame. Exacerbated by social media. With a bit of luck it'll change at secondary.

I think the recent "pearl clutching" is because more and more research is coming out showing the immense harm of allowing developing brains access to smartphones and social media.

A PP recommended the book 'The Anxious Generation' and here is a link to an interview with the author. I really recommend listening,. it's only 6 minutes.

https://www.npr.org/2024/03/27/1241116105/the-consequences-of-a-smartphone-centered-childhood

How on earth could you be calling it pearl clutching when your son is currently experiencing some of the types of bullying that can manifest on the platform. Believe me what your DS has experienced is the mildest/ thinnest end of the wedge of the types of bullying and violence children can be exposed to on WhatsApp.

Phones don't have to be all invasive. It should be about sensible balance.

OP has clearly said her son isn't super glued to it and does sport and social activities. A phone is a tool. And seems like it plays a very small part in her son's otherwise very full life.

Asking for advice on how to treat being blocked on WhatsApp is what was asked. I'd treat it the same way as being cold shouldered or not included at school.

Of course you can use SMS to contact friends or call. But you can also be blocked on those too - so the question remains, how to handle. That's what the OP wanted advice on.

Impossible to know whether he's being isolated / bullied, or if he's been unpleasant and kids are blocking him for that reason

Might be helpful to try to find out which

I don't think phones are all invasive / bad. It's the use of WhatsApp that's the issue for me. It's one of the most harmful platforms in terms of what it's used for/ goes on. The electronic content kids send to each other and the bullying that happens through a screen is scary- the large whaaapp groups are the worst. I'm on some fairly dodgy large WhatsApp groups as an adult- now imagine 100s of 10 yr olds on one..

And being blocked by friends is the very mildest end of the spectrum but it still could be very upsetting for a 10 year old to have all his friends do this. Hell how many threads are there on mumsnet with adults upset about being blocked by just one person in their lives!!

Snapchat is hands down the worst platform. If I could ban something globally, it would be that platform.

Snapchat I can't see what is happening, so it's a no from me.
Whatsapp, I am on top of it so I am ok.

Kids used to have Houseparty which was very popular and that disappear before the app was shut down. I prefer Whatsapp

I refuse to be told I ruined my kids childhood because they have a smartphone.
If other parents allow their kids to scroll down all night, it's on them, it's nothing to do with the rest of us

I don't think it's as bad as WhatsApp as I don't think that people can collaborate in the same way can they?

It's a million times worse. Think WhatsApp on crack.

Well I’ll be very boring and add to the masses saying that a 10 year old doesn’t need a phone. My 12 year old doesn’t have a phone. He escapes 100% of the inevitable childish meanness that can crop up on WhatsApp groups.

Where we are it’s not the norm to give phone to 10 year olds and it is the norm for parents to regret giving phones too early.

It’s hard to navigate tone on WhatsApp and children can be childish (shock!). Best to take it away for a few years imho

So here are some reasons for 'pearl clutching' by me. These are all real examples of problems that families at our school with kids a bit older than mine experienced as a result of WhatsApp groups (from a couple of years back when all the Year 6s were on it)

• Separate groups being set up specifically to exclude a particular child.
• Private messages being forwarded to a wider group to humiliate the child who sent them in confidence.
• Hurtful messages because the child who sent them didn't recollect that everyone in the class would see them, not just the people who'd been posting most recently on the group.

-Kids being made to feel excluded because others would use the group to make social plans naming certain kids and excluding others (and then post pictures of how much fun they were having without them).

• Children sending photos of themselves or other children half-dressed to a whole group as a joke (taken e.g. at a sleepover, not from malice but because everyone got in a silly mood and had their phones with them), meaning that suddenly a whole bunch of children have indecent images on their phones and it becomes a safeguarding issue.
• Children sharing links to age-inappropriate videos on YouTube with the whole class (scary material that some children found disturbing), meaning that the school then had to send out messages asking parents to check if their child had clicked these links and explaining what the content was and why it might be upsetting).

It's a combination of crowd mentality with lack of maturity and forethought because these are quite young children at a very emotionally intense period of their lives. They make mistakes as children always have, but whereas a verbal mistake is quickly forgotten, these mistakes are written down in black and white so hard to move on from, and are seen by everyone they know.

Plus the fact that with large numbers of kids involved, and a lot of pressure to 'like' or respond to the messages, big groups are pinging till late into the night, and kids can be bullied if they don't react to a message a friend has sent.

It is an absolute minefield. I'm so relieved that the tide has finally turned so that it's not the norm any more just to shrug and go 'yes it's horrendous, but that's modern childhood for you and what can you do, everyone else has one'.

It's a weird pandemic of parents screaming EXCLUDED every time someone is not invited. The problem is not Whatsap, it's parents encouraging ridiculous reactions.

It's normal not to be invited to everything.
When people stop being offended for no reason, the world will be a much better place. If it's not via whatsapp, it will be a party invitation by another chanel. There always will be.

• Private messages being forwarded to a wider group to humiliate the child who sent them in confidence.

People refuse to accept that Whatsapp, or Facebook or MN even are NOT a private bubble and everything you put on there is , or can, be public. Parents refuse to teach that, so sadly kids have to learn at some point. Again, a parents problem

Children sending photos of themselves or other children half-dressed to a whole group as a joke
that's when a normal parent would jump and put a stop to it immediately.

Banning everything because of a few lazy or irresponsible parents is not the solution.

You have received some great advice on this thread and you seem determined not to take it.

Referring to people who are concerned about a child having a smartphone as 'pearl clutching ' and 'absolute horror' is quite rude.

So, yes you are being unreasonable to let your young child have a smartphone and the answer to your issue involves you being a responsible parent. Saying the rest of the kids have smartphones doesn't make it okay.

Yes you can have Snapchat groups.

The legal age for what's app is 13 for this reason

Exactly this

😬😬

Disagree, the type of bullying/excluding that happens now is all done via phones. Take the phone away and let him grow up without the anxiety of all of this crap. They are absolutely terrible for children’s mental health. I really hope the next generation of parents will see all of the damage done and keep their children away from smartphones, they are ruining children’s mental wellbeing and childhoods.

My 10 year old (year 6) has an old iPhone specifically for walking to and from school but he is not allowed WhatsApp. I’ve banned safari on it too. The only apps he has are music, TT rockstars and Pokémon go.

I understand how helpful they are - I like being able to track my son on find my which is what led to us allowing this but WhatsApp is still a form of social media, and they must be managed so so carefully.

My oldest son is 13, and he has WhatsApp as his only social media, but isn’t allowed in any ‘groups’ because of bullying and pack mentality.

Parent managed accounts are available at 10 years old

And it doesn’t seem to be going so well for your family. No phones is by far the easiest option.

How’s that working out for your son so far?