AIBU to worry after DS10 was blocked by several classmates?

[Sprostongreeen]

DS10 has been blocked on WhatsApp by a few of his friend group.

last week he was trying to message one of them and noticed that messages weren’t going through. He then noticed that their photo was missing on their profile. He then noticed this had happened with 3 of them on the class chat. I have one of them as a contact but the photo was still showing on mine).

he has no idea why they have blocked him: I’ve had a look through his messages and he wasn’t doing anything before they blocked him (ie no arguing, being nasty, spamming with nonsense) in fact, there has barely been any online comms for a few weeks between them.

during the holidays he suggested a meet up one night between those friends and they all declined and then apparently discussed it on the class chat, where another classmate called them out and the posts were deleted before DS could see it.

im just fed up of the passive aggressive behavior to my son: it’s not the full group of friends (many aren’t online). I’m concerned about this impacting his confidence or mental health longer term.

any advice as to how to support him

Good point...

Perhaps give him a bottle of whisky and the car keys.

I have a 10yo and not a single one of his friends has a phone. There’s 2/3 kids in the class who walk to school and they have a phone handed in immediately when they get to school. Parents had to sign that they won’t be on any chat groups AND not add any other children to any groups. Everyone at school fully supports this.

A 10yo is far too young for phones let alone any groups - AND THIS IS WHY

What we found is that whilst it’s of course online bullying, it actually didn’t continue at school. That’s what made the whole thing so incredibly difficult to navigate. Kids would be perfectly lovely face to face at school, then they’d set up fake profiles to be vile to each other anonymously overnight. Some kids are complete Jekyll and Hyde once they get a phone in their hands.

Primarily for the simple reason, video call when she was at grandparents and transferring music lesson documents. Well aware it is 13+, thanks.

They do, that's why it's so completely unsuitable. It gives a level of manipulation and control which is beyond their years.

Sorry that your son is having a tough time with his friends. It’s so hard as a parent watching them navigate things like this. This doesn’t help the current situation but The Anxious Generation by Jonathon Haidt is a really interesting book about the impact of smart phones, social media etc and definitely worth a read.

There is nothing wrong with a 10-year-old having a phone, especially if they are walking to school on their own.

However, I would remove him from WhatsApp and groups, and reinstate it when he starts Year 7 for chats but keep an eye on it, as my DD joined a year group and they were posting horrible porn pictures.

My daughter is a year 5/ 6 teacher, and says the amount of time that is wasted dealing with the fallout from the previous night's SM is significant!

It's a nightmare. You can imagine how bad it got in secondary schools. Fortunately improved with more parents acting responsibly.

Children will do this to one individual occasionally. Decide they are annoying, don't want them in their clique any longer and ostracise them, either suddenly and cruelly, or gradually and by stealth. It's painful and confusing but it's been going on forever. It's not something that has been created by social media and online forms of communication, but social media online communication have just created news ways for the victim to become aware it's happening, that's all.

Firstly, his access to SM should be limited and strictly monitored. Secondly he should be encouraged to try to appear unfazed, (as hurtful and hard as it might be) and to focus on other friends and hobbies. He should not to chase after any of these individuals and appear needy, but simply get on with his life. He will probably find in time that they will come back to him, one by one to rekindle the friendships. There might be one Alpha in the group who is manipulating the others to drop him, or it might just be that he's not as well suited to that bunch as he thought, and it's come to its natural end as these things often do.

He'll be at big school soon, with hundreds of potential new friends. Try to help him build resilience and stoicism about this and see that it's not the end of the world even if it might feel like it right now.

Also edited to say: You may have no idea why he was blocked based on looking at his messaging history but that doesn't mean there might not be a good reason. Perhaps (and I am not making accusations here, I obviously have no idea but just hypothesising) he has behaved unkindly or unreasonably in person with one of them and the others want to teach him a lesson? He's probably not going to admit that to you if it's true and he may not even be aware that he's done anything, but it's possible he's been a 'bit much' in some respect and they've had enough. Again, worth chatting to him to see if he can reflect on anything he may have said or done to trigger this. It might be nothing at all and he's just been unlucky to have been ousted from the gang for reasons he can't ever know or understand. Kids can be brutal like that.

This is why my children (14&12) don’t have smartphones or WhatsApp. You shouldn’t need to track your child. You need a better understanding of the impact smartphone use is having on children.

I think your last sentence just confirms why they shouldn't have smartphones.

Why oh why do parents let 10 year olds on Whats App when the legal limit is 13? There's a reason for this age limit! Would you let your kid smoke or drink 3 years before the age limit?

They are absolutely not mature enough to handle WhatsApp conversations at 10. My dd didn’t even get a phone til she was 11.5 going into the summer of Y6. On that phone, she could only call and send text messages to friends, no group chats.

I will tell you, the kids who did have a phone at 10 and the ones who were messaging constantly in primary school and in WhatsApp groups were the ones who got in trouble. Now did they have a phone because their parents’ parenting was poor and because of that bad parenting, they had little guidance? Maybe.

But all the trouble seemed to stem from these group chats that would happen between 8-11pm. 😳 I could see it because dd’s friends (once she had a phone) would message her to be like, ooh, Joey and Thomas are kicking off in the group chat again! She obviously wasn’t in the group chat. And it would be like 10pm. Dd was long since in bed without her phone, but I could see the messages come through telling her about it. Don’t let your ds become one of those kids. I didn’t allow any group chats til she was about half way through year 7. Keep him out of the drama.

My exact opinion to avoid this kind of shit.

Year 6 is generally the year kids in my kids school get phones.
And it definitely causes a lot of issues. I didn't let my son have WhatsApp. There is always something that happens that ends up becoming an issue at school. At least knowing my kids aren't on it I know they aren't the ones involved.

Do you ever check your son's phone? My rules are that phones stay downstairs at nighttime and we know the passcodes.

Might be commin (among your sons cohort) but doesn't make it right.

If you won't take his phone, take Whatsapp off his phone then and make it so he can only call or text, and so he can only use the phone in the hours he's walking to and from school. V easy to do with Google family link or Apple equivalent.

Why does he need to call you anyway if he's walking? In case he needs a lift? What did kids do before phones?

Poor kid. Its not new age way of ignoring, pushing out, in the olden days they would ignore you waiting for you to get the message.
There is nothing you can do, big groups are like this.
Don't let him have snap chat as it is a million times worse than WhatsApp school groups. He will be okay.
If he is not shy, he can ask them what is up.

Yep, we gave my DC a locked down old phone age 13 and I still regret it! All that's possible to do on it is whatsapp for max 30 mins a day, but it's so distracting and time wasting.

He is a year off the usual age when most DC recieve a phone.
He is a little young but not by much.

She didn’t need WhatsApp to contact you. Good old fashioned text messages or calls will do the job.

My DD got a phone for her 10th birthday and was one of the last in her class.
We don't allow her to be in whole class groups because there was a bullying incident involving another child (DD wasn’t involved but the school were tough on it) so we just said no to that and I check her phone every night. She uses it mainly for when she’s with her other parent and can contact me or her dad.

All you can do is support him in making new friends and monitor the phone use. The school were very quick to act when a girl was being bullied on what’s app though so might be worth speaking to them and seeing if they can get to the bottom of it.

It's all additional work for the school, and is so easily avoided if they didn't have it in the first place.

On a positive note, if the boys are into drama, your ds won't be in the group when drama next kicks off between the ones who are in the group and they'll probably want him on side then. Hopefully he'll have befriended nicer kids by then and won't be interested though