AIBU to worry after DS10 was blocked by several classmates?

[Sprostongreeen]

DS10 has been blocked on WhatsApp by a few of his friend group.

last week he was trying to message one of them and noticed that messages weren’t going through. He then noticed that their photo was missing on their profile. He then noticed this had happened with 3 of them on the class chat. I have one of them as a contact but the photo was still showing on mine).

he has no idea why they have blocked him: I’ve had a look through his messages and he wasn’t doing anything before they blocked him (ie no arguing, being nasty, spamming with nonsense) in fact, there has barely been any online comms for a few weeks between them.

during the holidays he suggested a meet up one night between those friends and they all declined and then apparently discussed it on the class chat, where another classmate called them out and the posts were deleted before DS could see it.

im just fed up of the passive aggressive behavior to my son: it’s not the full group of friends (many aren’t online). I’m concerned about this impacting his confidence or mental health longer term.

any advice as to how to support him

You can get trackers that aren’t smartphones if that’s the reason for it. And/ or a dumb phone to call you.

Or you could walk with him to school!

I agree with others, definitely too young for WhatsApp or especially groups. Groups are where the “bullying” and mean behaviour has its chance to really bloom.

My DS is in yr 8 and doesn’t have groups. He agrees with that though as he finds them irritating anyway.

Most (sadly IMO), but not all - in my DC's friend group only 3 out of 8 had smartphones going into secondary. In y9 two of them still don't have them.

Schools routinely take phones off students now and there is mounting evidence of the problems and damage giving smartphones (and other screens) to children can cause.

Like I said just because it's unfortunately become normal doesn't make it the right thing to do. Think of all the things that were legal 50 years ago but aren't now.

This isn’t a bad thing. Ten is the age when friendships are lost, new friendships gained. It’s probably a very important time as if they choose the wrong friend they’ll be miserable teenagers, explain this to you me son, the ball is in his court too. He gets relief from the troublemakers.

Remove the phone.

Okay if he has it for walking to/from school, but there's no other need for a 10yo to have a phone for their sole private use. Especially if what's happening on it is upsetting him and causing drama.

Is this a joke?

of course it will negatively affect his mental health.

it’s hardly a secret.

you must be aware that social media will be banned to under 16s from 2027?

You are not teaching him how to keep safe at all.

Walking and using an smart phone will make him a target for phone snatchers. and also distract him from being aware of his surroundings, pavement hazards, other pedestrians and traffic. You need to teach him to be aware of what is going on around him if you want to keep him safe. By all means tell him to send a quick text or voice message when he arrives at school, but that should be it. Phone off.

Ps I have stopped walking around people coming towards me if they are on their phone, if we collide then that is down to them, I will be prepared for it because I am watching where I am walking. If they drop their phone then that is their lookout.

I also think this demonstrates exactly what is wrong with it.

Why would it be a joke? A lot of parents give their young children internet access and phones

Physical aggression was limited in where and how often it could take place. Also it was usually not tolerated for long. With phones they can be hounded and bullying eachother 24/7.

10 is too young. You can see that's the case by the way him and his pals are navigating friendships via Whatsapp groups. It encourages bullying.

He only needs a dumb phone to call you in emergencies.

Also you need to avoid social media and YouTube well into secondary school.

How do so many kids in the class have smart phones not alone WhatsApp?!
Madness. Take the phone away until summer holidays, and give it back without WhatsApp or any group chats.

I have set 10 as the age for a smart phone for mine - it is by far the cheapest way to combine tracker, mp3 player, camera, and emergency calls.

I've heavily restricted them though, and they are not allowed other apps until older. I've only recently allowed WhatsApp for my oldest at nearly 13. No good can come of group chats.

I’ve never seen this where I live. I’ve seen some on tablets. Like so many things on mumsnet, the way things work varies so much area to area.

Kindly OP, but speaking as someone who gave our eldest a smartphone at 10 because "everyone else had one" and we didn't want her feeling left out, WhatsApp between 10 and 12 was an absolute sewer.We checked her phone daily and found porn GIFs, discussions about self-harm, bullying and all sorts of inappropriate behaviour.

New WhatsApp groups would be created just to exclude one child, then a week later another group would appear excluding someone else. The constant messaging was relentless. And heaven forbid someone didn't reply within a couple of minutes, because they'd immediately start demanding to know where they were. At times it bordered on abusive.

We eventually removed WhatsApp from her phone and, honestly, she wasn't bothered. She got it back in Year 7, which I still think was too early, but she was trying to navigate new friendships at secondary school.Our youngest is now in Year 6 and has been asking for a phone since last year. The answer is a firm no. She can wait until secondary school.

Sorry OP, but in my experience this is likely to get worse before it gets better. The biggest mistake we made was assuming all parents monitored their children's phones. As time went on, we discovered many didn't. Some were genuinely shocked when they found out what had been going on.We even came across parents who didn't know their child's phone PIN because they believed their 10 or 11-year-old had an absolute right to privacy online.

To me, that's completely bonkers.I know not every child has the same experience, but based on what we saw, I'd think very carefully before giving a primary-aged child unrestricted access to WhatsApp.

Seeing this happen to friends children was the reason mine weren’t allowed WhatsApp until much older. They had smartphones (my old ones) because they were free & I could track them, but only SMS texting & phone. No Google or online games or streaming platforms.

You don’t need to remove his phone but do delete WhatsApp. And help him find nicer friends!

He doesn’t need a smartphone for contacting you. A more basic device could be used.

im quite liberal and trusting with my teenagers phones but no way would I be trusting a ten year old with a smartphone . Far too young to handle it

Sometimes the nicest children get drawn into the most awful things online.

Come off What's App simple.

Mine left school some years ago now so not sure if it's already in place..but maybe a disclaimer between school and parents stating that unless the school provided the phone it's the parents job to deal with any problems that may arise, they can't and will not in any way be held responsible for any bully bought about from pupils using them, be it on or off the premises.

Yes, the hours of teacher time involved in sorting all of it out, then parents denying it, then them getting confronted with the evidence, then crying.....oh it's awful.

Wait until high school. This goes on alot and it's horrible. I've just finished this era this last summer with my daughter leaving school....but we experienced it alot. Both with my son and my daughter. It is horrible. They aren't mature enough to think about the consequences of doing something like this to someone. Hope it gets sorted out for your son.

Age 10 or Year 10? Age 10 is far too young for a phone and group chats. At this age an old Nokia style non smart phone or a dumb phone is all they should have to allow for contacting in emergencies. Or a smart watch to allow calls and tracking. My daughter is 12 and has a phone which allows calls, text and tracking only. No internet and no platforms which allows group chat or sending of images. She finds it very boring so rarely looks at it. Slowly we will unlock features as she gets older and mature enough to deal with it.

How to support him? Focus on other friends outside school. Clubs, cousins, neighbours. It will take a bit of work for you to broaden his friendship world but worth it.

Sorry OP but given your son isn't 13 yet which is the age that whatsapp says you need to be to register for an account, this one is unfortunately on you.

More fool them given the wealth of high profile coverage over the last few years about how damaging smartphones are for children.