AIBU to worry after DS10 was blocked by several classmates?

[Sprostongreeen]

DS10 has been blocked on WhatsApp by a few of his friend group.

last week he was trying to message one of them and noticed that messages weren’t going through. He then noticed that their photo was missing on their profile. He then noticed this had happened with 3 of them on the class chat. I have one of them as a contact but the photo was still showing on mine).

he has no idea why they have blocked him: I’ve had a look through his messages and he wasn’t doing anything before they blocked him (ie no arguing, being nasty, spamming with nonsense) in fact, there has barely been any online comms for a few weeks between them.

during the holidays he suggested a meet up one night between those friends and they all declined and then apparently discussed it on the class chat, where another classmate called them out and the posts were deleted before DS could see it.

im just fed up of the passive aggressive behavior to my son: it’s not the full group of friends (many aren’t online). I’m concerned about this impacting his confidence or mental health longer term.

any advice as to how to support him

DP is currently reading The Anxious Generation and sharing snippets. One thing that it suggests is that we have become overprotective in the real world (not allowing 10 year olds to walk to school without a phone to contact us) but underprotective in the digital world (allowing 10 year olds to use social media).

He's too young for a smart phone. Put it in a drawer and get him a brick phone. I understand the desire for them to have a way of being in contact when they are walking to and from school, but non smart phones exist.

Of course they are not normal! A 10 year old does not need a smart phone. Give them a brick phone if they are walking around on their own.

I attended a talk by a well known psychologist and he said the answer to the question 'when is my child ready to get a smartphone?' is 'when you are okay with your child looking at porn'...

Ten is too young. There's some great advice on this thread - take it!

I’d take anything like that to the school, we had a couple of incidents of WhatsApp/snapchat bullying when both my DDs were year 6 and it was dealt with by the school (luckily my DDs weren’t involved).
I think at 10 they just lack the emotional maturity to be on snapchat too, seriously think about taking him off it for a while.

That is the crux of it. Even having the smart phone while walking to school and being tracked is part of the real life over protection as the child has no need to problem solve mild adversity on the walk as the know mum is just a phone call away.

He’s too young for a smart phone and WhatsApp. You’re allowing the bullying and exclusion to come home with him. If he needs one to walk home either get him a brick phone to be used with just family numbers in or lock his smart phone right down. My daughter is year 7 has no internet access on her phone, only messages, I have to approve anyone who is added to her phone by inputting a code so no one other than approved contacts can message or call, we are very selective about who is added to her phone and she won’t have WhatsApp anytime soon. I also check her phone every evening so I can help her to navigate some of the issues that come with having a phone. So far it’s gone well, she just uses it to make plans with her friends. Just because you want him to have a phone for walking home it doesn’t mean he should have other kids numbers. My daughter had a brick phone in year six when she started walking, we called it a family phone and she only had access to it when she was out of the house alone and it only had our numbers in. I’m sorry that he’s struggling though.

You can buy trackers which work off signals from other phones. You could put one in his achool bag with his permission and that would help you to track where he is without a phone.

I’m disgusted at the pile on and the victim blaming on here. I may have over looked and if I have I apologise but I’ve not seen one message of support. It’s okay saying he shouldn’t have I phone but that’s not the point anymore he has got a phone and if they weren’t ostracising him through the phone they’d be doing it in other ways.

What is happening when he interacts with these kids in real life?

He shouldn’t be using WhatsApp (or a smartphone!) at 10 years old. This is a good example of why.

I’d have a talk with the school and like others get him a brick to call from but ditch the smart phone

My 10 year old does not have a phone and very few of her friends do. There's certainly no WhatsApp groups. He's too young.

I think you’ve been a bit naive here OP. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with a smart phone if you lock it down and remove the internet/apps but 10 year olds can be utter arseholes to each other and don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with group chats or to realise that once something has been said in writing it is there for everyone to see.

It’s bullying. That’s something we all agree on. I’m among the posters saying that at the age of ten he shouldn’t have a smartphone - and I’ll go further. As a result of what is basically online bullying I would be involving the school and removing the phone. Yes, these bullies can ostracise him in other ways, but the difference in doing via his phone is that it’s constant and there’s no escape from it. Kids can be horrible and giving them smartphones before they know how to use them responsibly is enabling this kind of behaviour. How is that not supportive ?

It doesn't have to be a smartphone though.

Seriously, this shit is bad for growing brains. Even adults find it easier to be vile to others online. Children's growing functions can't deal with it. Mental health is a precious thing to nurture when young especially.
Do him a favour and take it off him and get him a dumb phone.

Then he'll be oblivious to what's being said online.

Tell him that being blocked is like being walked away from when in a face to face. (I'm guessing he knows this bit..)

So treat it the same as that.

Doesn't seem like they all get along at the moment.. I'd strengthen relationships in person with the others in the group and do s things with outside of school friends. At 10 you can still encourage / organise playdates with other parents.

If they are being mean / bullying / excluding in person at school - speak to teachers.

Lots of people disagreeing with the OP isnt a "pile on".

Bullying is unacceptable thats for damn sure but giving a young child a smart phone is allowing the bullying to continue at home - that is wrong. Its not a pile on to point that out (I say that as someone who was relentlessly bullied at school so knows exactly what it feels like and the smart phone is facilitating the bullying to continue at home)

Most school have banned or will be banning smartphones. Our daughters primary school only allows brick phones, and her likely secondary is the same. Either a child is mature enough to walk themselves to school without a phone, or hey aren't ready and you need to accompany them.

Absolutely report the bullying to the school. Stress it's through phones and hopefully they'll join the increasing ranks of banning the fuckers.

He can have a brick. You seem very casual about the damage this can do to your son.

You've asked for advice on how to support your son. The answer to that is in my opinion to get him off WhatsApp. Like others have said. The age limit is 13 isn't it? As well as it's messaging service, on WhatsApp you can join 'communities' via the updates button at the bottom, and follow things, like with social media, so be exposed to a bunch of unknown adults who might say or share anything. Re group chats kids of 10 or imo 13 even, don't have the emotional maturity to behave well. Or the emotional resilience to know how to handle it when others treat them poorly online. These things are hard enough in person and people can behave worse online. I am in my 40s and would be upset if mates blocked me! My eldest is in year 7 and I hear all sorts of tales of the whole year WhatsApp group. She's definitely not having it and actually doesn't want it.

I let my dd have WhatsApp groups once she learnt how to navigate such issues and groups were strictly controlled what she can join.
I know her friends had free access and saw nasty things in year 7.
School said its their biggest headache for year 7s and strongly recommended no access.

He can have a phone without WhatsApp. Some people I know allowed access at 13 once it was used for things like school trips.

My son is 10. Not one child in his class (in Scotland) has a phone, let alone a smartphone.

10 is too young for a phone, getting him one has brought this kind of thing onto him. WhatsApp’s own terms of service state that their minimum age of use is 13 for a reason.
Get rid of the phone, get a brick phone if you really must have one and don’t give a smartphone back until he is 13.