AIBU to worry after DS10 was blocked by several classmates?

[Sprostongreeen]

DS10 has been blocked on WhatsApp by a few of his friend group.

last week he was trying to message one of them and noticed that messages weren’t going through. He then noticed that their photo was missing on their profile. He then noticed this had happened with 3 of them on the class chat. I have one of them as a contact but the photo was still showing on mine).

he has no idea why they have blocked him: I’ve had a look through his messages and he wasn’t doing anything before they blocked him (ie no arguing, being nasty, spamming with nonsense) in fact, there has barely been any online comms for a few weeks between them.

during the holidays he suggested a meet up one night between those friends and they all declined and then apparently discussed it on the class chat, where another classmate called them out and the posts were deleted before DS could see it.

im just fed up of the passive aggressive behavior to my son: it’s not the full group of friends (many aren’t online). I’m concerned about this impacting his confidence or mental health longer term.

any advice as to how to support him

it is not possible for either him or you to control what other people/kids do. Any attempt to do so, especially from you, will only aggravate the situation, whatever it is. Your son's only choice here, and your only choice, is how you deal with the situation, whatever it is. It is pointless trying to figure out who is to blame or what triggered the situation; the kids probably don't completely know themselves.

All he can do is accept that those friendships are over, for now (they may be friends again in a few months), hold his head high, and be with the people who want to be with him. He really needs to know and understand that this kind of thing happens all the time to people who have done nothing to deserve it. It is not his fault, and the way those boys see him is not who he truly is.

It is so hard. My niece went through something similar round about the same age. All you can do is ride through the storm. It was awful at the time but it forged the steel of her character. She is a really kind, generous person who is very good about self-care and enforcing boundaries.

Yes, can give the school a heads up that there may be issues within the group so they can keep an eye on whether this is also reflected in behaviour towards OP's son in school. But I don't think the school can take any action regarding things which happen outside school?

I haven't read the thread but i voted YABU to give your son a phone at age 10 and allow him WhatsApp, then be faux concerned about how it is negatively affecting him.!

10 years old is way to young for a phone. He might need one to walk to and from school but he doesn't need a smart phone or access to whatsapp.

Take the phone away, buy a simple call and text only phone. There are ones out there now you can track on but they can't do anything other than call and text one.

Just because others have then doesn't make it the right thing to do. DS friend has had a smart phone since year 2. Insanely early. My best friends step daughters Year 4 class all have smart phones too whereas DS Year 4 class I'd say only 1 or 2 even have phones. 100% we are not getting him one until he is walking to and from school on his own and then no whatsapp at least Year 6 maybe longer if we can hold out.

Good points. I thought parents were now aware of the dangers of smartphones? Why on earth would you allow a child of 10 to be on WhatsApp?
Don't give them flammable materials then panic about firefighting.

You don’t need a smart phone for that…

School can absolutely take action about bullying happening by schoolmates outside school hours and it is appropriate to tell them as it will spill over into the relationships in school.

But this is another reason why social media is such a minefield, because it creates so many new crises that the school then have to get involved with.

My daughter is 10, maybe 5-6 in her year group of 60 have a smartphone. A few more have brick phones. We will get her a brick phone for going to secondary, in case she misses the bus and needs to let us know will be late. She parents are fretting about the fact they won't be able to track them - if they really need to, they can put an airbag in their bag

Put the phone on downtime from the time he gets home?

The minimum age for WhatsApp use is 13 (used to be 16). Now, many may use it before then, but it is not a good idea, as you have just discovered.

My children had brick phones until they were 14. Removes this risk and also makes them less of a mugging target. (Their high school insisted on brick phones, which was great, as kids from their school were never hassled as everyone knew their phones were worthless!)

Yes, I think that's a reasonable plan.

OP didn’t seem to be ‘faux concerned’ to me. What does that even mean ? Her son is clearly being bullied and OP has realised that the phone has enabled this horrible behaviour online and is asking for advice.

My 10 year old has just got a phone for safety walking to and from school. But no WhatsApp, definitely no group chats (this is where most of the trouble begins). No social media. No YouTube. Age restrictions for all apps, videos, websites. She only has one school friend as a contact on her phone, whose mum is a friend of mine and I know is a sensible girl.

It is our job as parents to protect them from all this until they are old enough and mature enough to use a phone sensibly.

Phones have great parental controls now - block all apps and sites you don’t want them to access. Put sensible time limits on. (My daughter can use games on her phone for 45 mins a day and then it blocks any more).

Smart phones and watches are banned at our Primary school. If a child is travelling alone to or from school, they can bring a Nokia Brick (handed in to teacher on arrival) and have a tracker tag in a rucksack pocket.
WhatsApp has a 13+ limit for a reason - it’s not an appropriate form of communication for younger children.

My DC is the same age (assuming y6) and the vast majority of the children in their class have a smartphone. I see them being handed back at the end of the day so this isn’t pressure from my DC. I’d say a good quarter of the year group had them in y5 too.

There were incidents last year of inappropriate messages in a class WhatsApp group and I couldn’t believe the outrage of the parents! Don’t let them have WhatsApp and it wouldn’t happen.

Mine doesn’t have a phone at all. I’m holding off until secondary if I can.

All these people saying they need them for walking to school I don’t understand either. I’d rather take them to school myself than have to get them a phone to facilitate this.

Agree. From what OP says the behaviour is taking place in school at some point so the school can deal with that, but as far as the phone bullying is concerned there’s only one way to stop it - take the smartphone away until he’s older and replace it with a brick phone if you must.

A ten year old child does not need a smart phone and they certainly don’t need WhatsApp. If they need to be able to phone you or message you there are lots of alternative phones like dumb phones or smart watches you can get them. Protect your child. The legal minimum age for WhatsApp in the UK is 13 years for a reason.
www.smartphonefreechildhood.org

I know plenty of adults who engage in pointless, bitchy, WhatsApp drama and petty behaviour like this. If fully grown adults can't use it sensibly and respectfully why would anyone imagine 10 year olds can?

I work in a primary school. We would keep an eye and also have regular lessons on online safety, online bullying, etc. We might shift the lesson order round to do one earlier if it needed addressing at a particular time. We would probably inform the other parents, depending on the situation, but we cannot go further if it happens outside school.

Between ourselves, we would feel very sorry for the lad but also frustrated at all the parents involved for letting their children on WhatsApp / have smart phones.

I spend the end of every Friday afternoon now letting my class colour, play cards, dominos, etc, after being on a one too many residentials where children were really stressed in advance about how they would entertain themselves between activities without access to a phone. These are skills they should be building at home.

I had my DD block other children when she was year 6. She had a phone with whatsapp to contact us and no one else. A few enterprising kids got her number from one child who was given it for an activity. They got blocked and told she is not allowed friends on her phone. Could be a similar situation. Afaik, the other parents understood.

Personally and it is only my opinion, I see no point in anyone owning a smart phone and having "a bunch of controls on it" especially a child, shows there's no need for them to have one.

Continue to let him have it and if he does grow up with mental health problems or lack of confidence at least hold your hands up and admit to yourself that you knew it could be a possible outcome but still went a head and contributed anyway.

Whilst physical aggression will never be right, it is arguably less harmful than a 10 year old having a smart phone.

If your 10 year old doesn’t get to school, school will be quick enough to tell you, amd if he doesn’t get to school for some awful reason, it’s highly unlikely he’d be able to tell you!

Mobile phones for 10 year old are a false sense of security for paranoid parents and cause more harm than they solve, as you are finding out.

Because some parents find it hard to say no.

Why did she need WhatsApp to contact you? Couldn't she text?
It's for 13+

A 10 year old with a smart phone & using WhatsApp 😩 now navigating exclusion and bullying.

What could possibly go wrong.