AIBU to include stepchildren in our family foundation benefits?

[Tonotcauseissues]

I have done a nc for this. We are setting up a family foundation- it will pay for school fees, uni fees, driving lessons, first car, 3 years insurance and a gap year. The children of the family will join the board age 18 and be mentored until 25 where they gain a seat on the company board. We have said it is for biological and adopted children. But after all these blended family threads I don’t want to create issue if our children have step children. So thinking we offer the same the foundation gives(car, driving lessons, uni fees etc) to step children if married or living with our descendants but not the seat on the board- does this seem reasonable so children living in the same house get the same? Just reading the post about the car for nephews etc and got me thinking. And I know this is a privileged position but I want to get it right as once the deeds are written it can’t be changed so don’t want to cause issues in years to come that I haven’t thought through.

I'm intrigued that you're in a situation where you have enough money to do this, but not the expert external advice that would talk through all these issues with you.

I do have external advice but I think the advice is harsh so wanted to get other opinions.

Hmm. I would go with the professional advice.

What does the advice say?

That is should be bio children alone on proof of DNA

I'm sure only a tiny percentage of the population and of the Mumsnet population can offer advice that a professional cannot. We're taking millions here aren't we?

Show off your wealth elsewhere

On the off chance this is real, I think it'd be fine in principle to offer DSC benefits. But if you're wanting a second opinion on the professional advice you've had, I would recommend other professionals in the same field rather than AIBU.

I think that sounds very fair and kind of you. I think it’s damaging to create difference and the key thing here appears to be that you can afford it.
My DD has a step mum, I have no expectation at all that her side of the family would give my DD money etc but if she was treated like her half-sister in this regard I would be incredibly in awe of their thought and kindness.

Going with the professional advice on set up etc but I think the advice on who should be included is not great for family unity.

What if one of your children marries someone with four kids, has a child with them and then divorces after five years.

Then marries someone else with three kids?

What if they marry someone with a 16 year old after dating for six months, and divorce a year later?

Kind, but I think completely impractical

It is real and I was interested in what others would do as I think this is fair- though it might not be fair in their is a breakup as all benefits cease.

That is should be bio children alone on proof of DNA

The bio children advice is fine, not sure if DNA should be required unless there’s a paternity dispute though?

When I did my family foundations I just gave £1,000,000 to everyone, even the postman - much easier than naming everyone individually! Save yourself a headache op

the benefits would only be available to the ”current” stepchildren and I suppose that is the unfair part. The professional advice is just biological children but that feels too prescriptive and not how modern life is.

Personally I think you open a can of worms when you include step children. A step child who comes into a person’s life when 2 years old of very different to one who comes into their life aged 17. Also a step child who lives full time with a family is different to one who only lives with the step parent once a fortnight. I would honestly not include them. It’s cleaner. Since all this is being funded by the trust then the step parent could afford to pay for all this themselves surely if they wanted to make it even.

Hmm it's tricky. The rules need to be set in stone, but step children suitstions can vary hugely so that it would be both reasonable to exclude (e.g 18 year old who married into the family 3 weeks ago), or include (a child marries someone with a newborn and raises them for 18 years).

Could you write stepchildren included subject to a vote and have guidelines on how a vote should be carried out, so that a common sense judgement can be used to include step children fully integrated into the family while excluding those who turned up 5 mins ago?

Guidelines would need to cover for no votes as a result of bigotry I guess, e.g no voting no just because a step child is gay or another race etc.

That is my husbands thoughts on it- thank you.

@Tonotcauseissues the advice may seem harsh but is sensible.
Step children have another family. Bio and adopted children don't. The bio/adopted children are unlikely to benefit from favours from the step family which potentially creates an inequality out of your control.
If step children don't have another family the new parent could potentially adopt them which would resolve family unity issues.

I’d ignore that because I would absolutely include legally adopted children.

Can you set it up so step children only become eligible if certain conditions are met (eg only if their parent was married to a family member and the child spent regular time in that family members household over a minimum number of years before they turned 18 or similar)? Alternatively any possibility to have them as a different type of beneficiary and have any reward to them be discretionary and decided by the trustees at the time?

Then I think that is even worse.

You could end up with step children who have been in your life for 15 years getting nothing, and someone that has been in your life a year getting everything.

Example. Tom marries Joan, who has a one year old daughter. They have more children and they all grow up together.

Tom and Joan split up after 15 years if marriage.

Tom marries Gill who has a 16 year old daughter.

Gills daughter gets it all

Joan's daughter gets nothing

That will cause way more issues than only giving to biological children.

Plus this is obviously a wealthy family, the step children should be able to be provided for from the parents (and step parent) income, especially as they don't need to pay anything for their bio children.

It gets very complicated to decide who counts as a stepchild in that situation.

So for example, say your daughter has a boyfriend who she lives with. He has a son from a one night stand that lives in another country and visits them maybe twice a year. Is that son a stepchild? What if she marries her boyfriend, is he a stepchild then? Or only a stepchild if he actually lives with them? What if he lives with her 49 percent of the time, or 51 percent of the time, where are you drawing the line?

You can try to specify for all these variables in the deeds but you’ll probably miss some wrinkle and that will lead to future arguments.

Also surely if your daughter and her boyfriend know the exact point at which his son counts as a stepchild, and given how much money is actually at stake, that puts pressure on them to ensure he meets the criteria? And might lead to them making different decisions than they otherwise would about whether to marry, and what custody arrangement is in his best interests.

It does get very complicated, and very messy.

Yes we can do this- it is not a Anglo style trust -so we can be more flexible but we would need to write the rules now not open to a vote. But maybe we give more clear cut rules.

Honestly I don’t think you should include step children. If your decedents have this privilege they will be able to afford to equalise things themselves if appropriate.

It sounds very messy to include step children and I wouldn’t bother. Most step children have another side of their family anyway, and in exceptional circumstances a step parent could adopt the step children and be part of this system that way.