AIBU to include stepchildren in our family foundation benefits?

[Tonotcauseissues]

I have done a nc for this. We are setting up a family foundation- it will pay for school fees, uni fees, driving lessons, first car, 3 years insurance and a gap year. The children of the family will join the board age 18 and be mentored until 25 where they gain a seat on the company board. We have said it is for biological and adopted children. But after all these blended family threads I don’t want to create issue if our children have step children. So thinking we offer the same the foundation gives(car, driving lessons, uni fees etc) to step children if married or living with our descendants but not the seat on the board- does this seem reasonable so children living in the same house get the same? Just reading the post about the car for nephews etc and got me thinking. And I know this is a privileged position but I want to get it right as once the deeds are written it can’t be changed so don’t want to cause issues in years to come that I haven’t thought through.

Even asking opinions had pissed people off so yes children born within marriage and children officially adopted

I think this is a really bad idea. A few reasons -

It incentivises marriage - if one of your kids is dating someone with children coming up to university age, it has got to be awfully tempting for them to marry even if they aren't ready. And more cynically, it makes your children attractive to those trying to provide for their children.

What happens if they get divorced, the benefits go away?

I would just leave it as bio / adopted descendants and if you want to give financial help to step grandchildren it happens separately

100%

So you would reject adopted children?

I would probably just do what the professional says because it is clean and clear. Ask them why they recommend that - they will probably be able to tell you plenty of stories. One example that comes to mind is one your children marries someone and has a step child but then divorces - what then? In that situation, how fair would it be to have paid the school fees only to have them stopped because the marriage broke down? To put it in context, I would usually argue for treating step children equally whatever their other family circumstances.

It's a nice problem to have though - lucky you!

Edit: Just thought, I wonder what happens if one of your children adopts though so this is not straightforward - maybe having loads of money just gives you loads of other things to worry about.

Yes I am clearly thinking people behave well but clearly not.

Could you not create conditions such as the child has to be part of the family and have been part of the family for 5 + years at the point where they turn 18? I agree that excluding longstanding step children is harsh.

DNA makes literally no sense legally, they would not advise that, there’s a reason you’re supposed to re-register a birth after marriage if you have a child as a couple prior to marriage. That holds enough weight.

I’m actually not comfortable with the children have to be born within a legal marriage either - one case I could easily think of is a daughter ends up unexpectedly pregnant to someone she can’t marry (or doesn’t want to)…why should her child miss out because she was sensible about keeping a cock lodger or whatever out of her life?

(Could happen other way round but son in this situation unlikely to be full time parent where daughter almost certainly would)

I personally wouldn’t offer to step children no - it’s open to a huge amount of abuse whereby a party might push someone into marriage so their child could access the fund as a step child

not everything in life is equal or fair

OP, just thinking you should also consider children born into the family via egg or sperm donation (I saw DNA mentioned upthread). This is becoming more and more common and imo should be treated the same as adoption. Just a thought with fertility problems becoming more common.

There are different types of step children. The child who joins a family through marriage when they are very young and spends the majority of their time with their step parent, the a step child who has never even met their new step parent, let alone the extended family.

Then there is divorce, what is the status of the step children after a divorce (given how high divorce rates are).

I have ‘step cousins’ if that is a thing. They joined the family in adulthood and have meet us all once. They will not be included in any wills or family decisions, because they are strangers.

I would keep it to biological and adopted children. Step children are sometimes legally adopted into their new family.

I don’t think you can fairly include step children at this stage. You’d have to hope your children have your thoughtfulness in the future, when they can make a fair decisions on their children/stepchildren.

No, I wouldn't do this.

Biological or adopted family only. It's far, far too complicated. Presumably everyone involved will know the deal from the off so that's that.

Follow the professional advice. While it sounds harsh now it is ultimately in yours and your family’s interests. There will be scenarios that you have not considered which the professionals will have and they could cause real difficulties at best and financial risk at worst. I’m speaking as someone who has been in a prolonged legal battle with SF over DM’s will which is nowhere near as complex as this. Professional distance without emotional baggage is why you seek expert advice. Please take it. If your family is wealthy I’m sure you can make ad hoc arrangements to help any step children if required.

Not the point of your thread but I’m really intrigued by the fair application of the financial gifts from your foundation. I’m thinking of it happening in my own family as an example.

One sibling learned to drive, bought a car, went to uni for a first degree and a follow on masters degree, had a gap year to travel and do volunteer work (two years actually), and would presumably have had all of those things paid for by your foundation.

Another sibling could never drive for health reasons, did not go to uni as pursued a career that had more vocational/practical training, took a gap year but not until their mid-30s and it was to recover from health problems. This sibling would have had nothing from your foundation?

Could they have had a financial gift in lieu of driving lessons/car/insurance to fund taxi travel? Could they have had a financial gift in lieu of uni fees to fund their rent while they did the workplace training? When does the gap year funding expire - could it be any time in life? Is there a restriction of how much is spent on a first car?

All these things I’m sure you’ve considered but I’m just interested as people in my family have followed different paths.

This is batshit! This woman genuinely believes that you should pay the private school fees for her daughter that you have never even met and who isn't related to you either biologically or by marriage when you don't pay the fees for any of your biological nieces and nephews? That's a scary level of delusion and entitlement on her part.

Tbe situation would be difficult if step children also had a similar level of from another means.

To be frank, the whole concept is fraught with potential conflicts. What if one of the included children becomes a drop out, doesn’t go to uni, decides not to learn to drive etc etc? It would be easier if they all got the same total sum at 25 or something like that.
What if the fund runs out?

I have dealing with a large UHNW family that includes a trust. It is messy, they have to be careful who they get into relationships with as not everyone has the right intentions when they see ££££.

In your shoes, based off what I’ve seen, I would include

• biological children
• children adopted/legally become child within a marriage up to age of say 2

This would cover the most vanilla situation (married couple with biological children) cases of egg/sperm donation, surrogacy (although I no fan of surrogacy) and those where adoption takes place from very early on either of a partners child or from outside family. After that well if your kids are going to be wealthy they can decide to cover school and uni fees themselves surely as the rest of us would have to.

discretion sounds attractive but can be very messy at times with one person trying to bully family into what they want. Some there are advantages of rules are rules.

@Tonotcauseissues I would include adopted children but not step children. It's too complicated for one: what if your son meets someone with a 17-year old child and they split after 2 years? That would mean stepchild would get funded for 1 year (and choose uni and accomodation accordingly) and then having everything swept away in a second.

You are clearly very wealthy and your children as well so why even worry about step children? Surely your children (or you) can finance whatever is needed for eventual step children when the occasion arises?

Adopted children is different because that implies a lifelong relationship so no différence from bio kids.

Is same sex marriage legal where you are? What about same sex adoption? Do you see either of those becoming legal?
It's just that if they aren't, but could be in the future, you have a problem where:
Your granddaughter is a lesbian, can't get married but gives birth to a child.
Ditto and adopts a child with her partner.

Also don't forget your granddaughter could get pregnant and the dad might be a deadbeat/married to someone else/a nice guy but not marriage material/deported to his country of origin, preventing your granddaughter from marrying even though she is bringing up a child that is definitely hers!
I would also envisage the scenario where your grandson is bringing up a child wholly or partly while divorced/not married or living together.

SC can disappear out of your life in a second. They have absolutely no link to keep in contact. I would not extend this to SC. You’ve received the expert advice on it and it seems harsh but it’s in the best interest to protect your family.

😂😂😂

I would go with this but include adopted children.

I would not add stepchildren. Not because you shouldn’t trust your family members, but because you should generally trust people without leaving room for someone to take advantage of the situation.

If someone marries into the family and brings their own children, they shouldn’t be surprised if those children don’t receive the same inheritance directly from the grandparents.

We also wrote our will so that, if anything happens to me, my share goes straight into a fund for my kids, which they can access when they turn 25. (Same goes to my husband). If my husband decides to remarry and have more children or stepchildren, how he provides for them is up to him. I will prioritise my own (or adopted) children rather than writing a will where anyone can bring new children into the family and they automatically receive the same.