AIBU to include stepchildren in our family foundation benefits?

[Tonotcauseissues]

I have done a nc for this. We are setting up a family foundation- it will pay for school fees, uni fees, driving lessons, first car, 3 years insurance and a gap year. The children of the family will join the board age 18 and be mentored until 25 where they gain a seat on the company board. We have said it is for biological and adopted children. But after all these blended family threads I don’t want to create issue if our children have step children. So thinking we offer the same the foundation gives(car, driving lessons, uni fees etc) to step children if married or living with our descendants but not the seat on the board- does this seem reasonable so children living in the same house get the same? Just reading the post about the car for nephews etc and got me thinking. And I know this is a privileged position but I want to get it right as once the deeds are written it can’t be changed so don’t want to cause issues in years to come that I haven’t thought through.

They don’t have to it is a choice - they then just do not get an income from family business but do get benefits from the foundation. They are separate things legally. But it made me laugh as this was what we said to each other as we have friends forced into a family business they hate

I’m not familiar with this, but could board members not vote to change this as and when the situation arises?

I agree with this advice (except that adopted children should be included). Let the parents make things equal with their own wealth, it’s not your job.

Step-children can leave the family when a relationship ends, bio and adopted children don’t.

People aren’t well behaved at all! Your advisers are right about this and will have seen all kinds of bad behaviour over the years.

Just to give an example - we don’t have millions or enough to set up a fancy fund, but we are relatively successful within our families.

My BIL’s girlfriend fell out with us a few years ago - massive row, dragged in other family members, didn’t speak to us for months. This was because we send our kids to private school and she had assumed we’d be paying for her daughter from a previous relationship to go to private school as well.

We have literally never met her daughter, and we barely know BIL’s girlfriend. BIL passes through our city for work so we see him fairly often but don’t tend to visit him at home. There was never any possibility at all that we would pay her daughter’s school fees, even BIL was shocked at the suggestion so it didn’t come from him.

But she had heard about our kids’ school, assumed from pictures of our home that it was a lot more valuable than it actually is, and assumed we have an extra £20k a year that we’d love to use to fund a total stranger through school because apparently we should be treating her as part of the family.

When I pointed out that we don’t pay school fees for any of our nieces and nephews (we have 15 in total) who we actually know and have relationships with, she said that we should do it for her daughter precisely because we don’t have a relationship with her so we should prove that we still care about her and love her as a family member.

Absolutely insane how some people’s minds work once they get a whiff of money.

This was a lot less money at stake than you’re talking about, and only one lunatic, but it was still pretty unpleasant and stressful for a few months.

Very good advice. I am just concerned the definition of family is very small compared to modern life.

I do understand what you are saying but it is like that for a reason

Look at the royal family, they have protected the wealth by tight rules to prevent it from being spread too thinly.

The problem with kindness is it does expose weaknesses, and that could put the whole company and all of your beneficiaries at risk.

I agree.

I think not to include step children. based upon my personal experience we had 2 wonderful girls that came into our lives at 2 and 7 , 10 years later they are gone .
We do have contact occasionally and send birthday and Christmas presents but for something so tied up legally it’s not a good idea.
We love these girls but we are not their family and know that they have 2 other sets of grandparents who do not include our biological grandchildren in any gift giving even with contact.
We had the same issue when writing wills a few years ago, we kept everything to be given to biological children and grandchildren.
I would say yes though to legally adopted children. As others have mentioned families change over time and surely if such large sums of money are available gifts can be given when necessary rather than written in a legally binding agreement.

I don't think that is harsh, you clearly have some wealth and the possibility of unscrupulous people wanting to marry into that is there and then what do you do about a step children in the event of a later divorce?

Way to many issues could present themselves

Bio children only would be my advice too

ETA and legally adopted minors

Thank you - to use a mumsnet phrase she is very entitled and I think your right that the advisor has seen it all before and he is paid to be harsh. Clearly you didn’t pay the fees - so did she refuse to speak to you?

It’s too complicated involving step children . Formality should be for bio and adopted . For stepchildren offer them money at the time for what is appropriate eg lump sum for car . But only if you want to .

Thank you.

I’m surprised the external advice is harsh here. It’s my job to advise on these structures and it’s down to the family’s wishes. Funds won’t go as far if you include step children, and there is an additional risk of relationships for the wrong reasons, but if that’s what you want to do if it is important that all children in the same house are treated the same, then yes you should include stepchildren.

That would be very unfair on any adopted child

Thanks that is my husbands opinion too I think I have made it too complex trying to think through situations that currently don’t even exist.

Gosh that's cold.
Also potentially unenforceable if any of your children adopt children as they are in inheritance matters supposed to be treated the same as birth children of the family. If a will doesn't specify, for example, they are included.
I'd agree with your original idea: children of the family, i.e. biological or adopted children born or adopted into a marriage, or both names on the birth/adoption certificate, plus step children of a marriage.

we are including officially adopted children that was 100% not an exclusion we supported

It is not UK based so not the same system as us

My mum was a step child and I have a step daughter.
My mum was gutted when she wasn't treated the same in a will as her sibling . They had been her siblings for over seventy years. It wasn't about the money, it was about the different treatment.

In my will I have it clearly stated that my stepdaughter is to be treated as one of my own children in every circumstance.

I would hate to cause her any feelings of pain or sadness or resentment.

Surely the step parent can just adopt a step child if they have been in their life for many years and then they benefit.

IVF kids from donor egg or donor sperm- will not share DNA with you (depending on sex of your offspring) donor egg plus donor sperm would not share DNA.

If the pot is big enough, and the criteria was adoption included, the there would be motivation for steps to be adopted.

Allowing a board of peers to decided in/out will open it open to influence and politics and cause divide.

I don't know where the line is- but I think first generation may be ok, but second and third may get a bit rocky and not look like the nice, supportive thing you wanted.

I would go with the professional advice.

I agree.. Where DO you draw the line?

How long does the relationship have to have been in progress before the sc is then entitled to these benefits. People move in together very quickly these days and move out just as quick too, so what happens to these kids who get put into a private school or sent to uni then the relationship breaks down..

Personally I think it will get very messy very quickly and it will cause a lot of bad blood . Bio children only otherwise the waters get muddied.

it was not thought through obviously we were going to take the advice but reading mumsnet this morning I just wondered if I was setting up bad family dynamics in the future. But from all the replies it feels like it doesn’t really matter what we choose it can create issues so maybe keep it simple. We can always fund step children ourselves if the situation arose whilst we are alive.

Bio and adopted/legal child. My brothers have had multiple step children and over the years have lived with 12 step children from different relationships, had children with them and then both have gone on to have even more kids after they break up