AIBU to think my friend is being weird about a book she says I borrowed

[Pettyargument]

A few weeks ago I caught up with my friend ‘Ruth’ we’ve known each other for more than 30 years. We were talking about books and she said I’ll never lend you a book again as years ago you borrowed a book from me and you never gave it back (as in more than 10 years ago). She said she couldn’t remember the name of the book but it still annoyed her and she’s never forgotten about it. Obviously as she couldn’t remember the name of the book I had no recollection of this but it could well have been possible so I said if it is true then I’m sorry. She just said well it’s definitely true.

So today she messages me and says she’s remembers the name of the book and if I have it can I give it back. It doesn’t look remotely familiar or like the kind of book I’d want to read. I replied and said sorry it doesn’t look at all familiar and I’ve definitely never read it. She’s just replied and said well you definitely took it but oh well. I’ve not relied because what is there to say to that?

I know it’s not a major in the scheme of things and as my name says it’s a petty argument but

Am I not being unreasonable to think it’s just a bit weird and overly intense for a book potentially borrowed years and years ago?

or

I am being unreasonable and it’s understandable she’s annoyed and I should maybe apologise properly or even offer to replace the book. I mean as I said to her initially it’s not outside of the realms of possibility that I borrowed a book and didn’t give it back.

I can’t be certain that I didn’t borrow it,

Well that puts a different spin on it.

Then I think it would be a nice gesture to find a copy for her if you can but tell her that that is what you have done.

This. No doubt eBay is awash with copies of the book for not much money. Just buy one

When she first mentioned you'd borrowed 'a book' from her years ago and hadn't given it back, she couldn't even remember the title. Doesn't that imply it wasn't terribly important to her, like it would be if it had been inspiring, or signed by the author, or a gift from a much-loved relative? If she didn't know what it was called, she certainly hasn't spent the last decade searching for it or grieving its loss. Yet she spoke to you as if you can't be trusted with her possessions! That would hurt me a lot after thirty years of friendship.

On Mumsnet, when a situation doesn't make sense, it's tempting to think something else must be going on behind the scenes. That the book is a symptom of another problem she doesn't want to articulate.

However, since you can't remember borrowing it, Pettyargument, it would be gracious of you to buy another copy and post it and hope that resolves the issue. (And if the original turns up down the back of Ruth's bookcase, vindication will be worth the cost!)

People frequently don't just offer to lend you a book or something that they liked, but they go full-on Mrs Doyle in insisting that you borrow it. No amount of "It's not really my kind of thing" or "I won't have the time to read it" will wash with them. It matters greatly to them; so they figure that it must also matter greatly to you.

'Lending with menaces', I suppose you could call it!

Surely the friend also has the same access to eBay, though...?

You're partly right - plenty of copies out there, but when I had a look out of curiosity most of them in English language are in Australia or New Zealand so while the book itself is cheap, the shipping is around £30.

Obviously we don't know the financial position of the OP and Ruth - it's the kind of sum that could be one person's 'next to nothing' and another person's 'that's half my budget for x thing this month'.

Same with food. They’ll insist that you eat something because it’s obvious to them that you want to. Almost always, it’s something sweet. It’s impossible to persuade them that you’re refusing it not because you’re being virtuous or resisting temptation, but because you actually don’t like the sickly stuff.

But then you just return it at the first opportunity?

Some people get weirdly attached to books, I’m including me in that group. So see if you can replace it or if not give her a bunch of flowers.

However, since you can't remember borrowing it, Pettyargument, it would be gracious of you to buy another copy and post it and hope that resolves the issue. (And if the original turns up down the back of Ruth's bookcase, vindication will be worth the cost!)

Or OP could buy a copy and shove it down the back of Ruth's bookcase when Ruth has gone for a wee... then, later on, 'notice' that something has fallen down and 'innocently' alert Ruth to it!

Then, if she happens to be of the same generation as I am, she can do a very loud aspirated "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" in Ruth's face, like we used to do at school whenever somebody got massively shown up and we had unequivocally 'won' the disagreement

You do when you've life experience behind you.

You perhaps don't when you're young and haven't learned that "I will get round to reading this book soon" translates to "I won't be reading this book ever unless I'm locked in a room for 10 hours and it's the only thing in it."

I will be buying the book. However, it’s definitely not a matter of Ruth not being able to afford it as she’s a high earner, much higher than me, so I guess for her it’s more the ‘principle’ - I assume, how would I know what she’s thinking tbh.

Replace the book. Phase her out.

I wonder if what’s annoyed her is the ‘if it’s true, I’m sorry’. ‘Have to take her word for it’. You don’t seem to believe her because you don’t remember it and it’s probably something does remember because she made a mental note 10 years ago not to borrow you any more books. Which prompted the follow up texts trying to prompt your memory

I wouldn't have the replacement sent to her. I'd give it to her myself and say you don't recall borrowing it, as she knows, but it clearly meant a lot to her and you've got a copy to replace the lost one. Just having it sent to her is a bit dismissive if she's so hung up on it.

Agreed. Check Vinted or eBay first. Might be cheaper.
X

I’ve had the reverse happen where I returned a book to a friend and she insisted she hadn’t lent it to me. She was almost put out to be getting this book back 🤣

I don't hang on to novels once I've read them...unless it's an absolute favourite that I know I'll read again. I haven't got the space to store or display them. Out they go.
Cba with performative book hoarding, paperbacks are not something to be precious about especially after ten bloody years.
I'd do what others have suggested and replace whatever novel it is she's on about, the one you can't remember borrowing. It's not worth residual resentment over. There's your book now shut up.

Buy her a replacement. Tell the truth, I have no memory of borrowing this. But if I did, I'm sorry. Here is a replacement.

Sorry to go against the grain a bit here OP but before you buy the book and give it to her just to pacify her, just stop and consider for a minute. You don’t remember borrowing the book, you say it’s not something that would interest you and you’ve never read it. How likely is it that she’s mistaken ? Because it sounds as though she has misremembered - it was a long time ago.

She sounds like hard work if she’s still holding on to this after ten years, so before you do what is essentially pandering to her, think about the repercussions and what the likelihood is that she will ‘misremember’ other things and hold you responsible. I suppose it depends on how important the friendship is to you, but to be honest if it were me and l knew I hadn’t borrowed the book I would just tell her and let her get on with it.

This was one of the first signs of my mothers cognitive decline
She rang me up, another relative had gifted me some books she no longer wanted but now wanted them back 20 years later as she had an operation 😳
Of course I had read and moved them on, they were bog standard series of crime novels that had been destined for the charity shop
She was incandescent

It’s a room 101 thing for me - people who ‘borrow’ other people’s shit and then don’t give it back. It doesn’t matter that it’s ‘just a book’ - it’s essentially thieving. Ugh. I’m annoyed for her.

YABU - make amends.

But remember why they insisted on you borrowing it in the first place: because they hoped that you would love it and then so they would get an opportunity to talk about it enthusiastically and at length.

They assume you've read it, assume you loved it too and assume you want to rave about it with them. If you respond by saying that you haven't read it and don't want to, you're back to the start again, with them insisting; and if you tell them them you think it looks crap, or lie that you read it and you found it to be crap, it really won't go down well.

You see the same kind of thing on TV gameshows all the time, where the contestant gets a question on X (about which they know and care very little), but they invariably say that their brother/mother/friend who IS crazy about X will never forgive them if they get it wrong.

I bought a book whilst living in France, absolutely loved it. I raved about it to a colleague who asked to borrow it. Given I was working with her, I thought it would be ok. Some time later, I asked for it back, she claimed to have no knowledge of it. I was really cross, I bought it again, at vast expense on Amazon. I will never lend books again. I have about 5 that I re-read occasionally, or they have sentimental value. I will always keep them. I empathise with her, but equally, she needs to let it go, it’s ridiculous to keep on about it so many years later when she could just re-buy it. It’s niggling you both, pointlessly.

Can’t be arsed with shit like this I’d buy her a copy then distance myself

if she was that bothered she should of reminded you obviously not great having to remind someone but we’re all human and people do genuinely forget