AIBU to think my friend is being weird about a book she says I borrowed

[Pettyargument]

A few weeks ago I caught up with my friend ‘Ruth’ we’ve known each other for more than 30 years. We were talking about books and she said I’ll never lend you a book again as years ago you borrowed a book from me and you never gave it back (as in more than 10 years ago). She said she couldn’t remember the name of the book but it still annoyed her and she’s never forgotten about it. Obviously as she couldn’t remember the name of the book I had no recollection of this but it could well have been possible so I said if it is true then I’m sorry. She just said well it’s definitely true.

So today she messages me and says she’s remembers the name of the book and if I have it can I give it back. It doesn’t look remotely familiar or like the kind of book I’d want to read. I replied and said sorry it doesn’t look at all familiar and I’ve definitely never read it. She’s just replied and said well you definitely took it but oh well. I’ve not relied because what is there to say to that?

I know it’s not a major in the scheme of things and as my name says it’s a petty argument but

Am I not being unreasonable to think it’s just a bit weird and overly intense for a book potentially borrowed years and years ago?

or

I am being unreasonable and it’s understandable she’s annoyed and I should maybe apologise properly or even offer to replace the book. I mean as I said to her initially it’s not outside of the realms of possibility that I borrowed a book and didn’t give it back.

I've given up lending anything. I lost one book as the person moved away, another as the person died, I got one book returned with corners folded down! What kind of a psychopath even does that?
My worst CF experience? I lent a Wilkinet baby carrier to a "friend". A few years later, when I needed it back, she gleefully announced that since she had paid me for it ( news to me!) She had sold it on.

I’d agree that she should have brought this up earlier.

But there are people who I won’t lend books to anymore for the same reason.

One friend in particular, she asked to borrow a specific book from me. I agreed to lend it to her and said at the time that I wanted it back.
I asked her about the book a few months later, and she blithely told me that she’d donated it to a charity shop when she’d finished reading it 😡
That was about 15 years ago and I still feel cross about it. It wasn’t especially valuable or sentimental, but it’s the principle of the thing.

So yeah, I’ve got a definite mental list of people who’ll only be lent stuff if the item in question is one where I’ve essentially finished with it anyway and don’t really care if it gets returned.

PP’s suggestions of buying her another copy (assuming it’s reasonably affordable) sound good, even if you are sure that she’s the one misremembering in this case.

It annoys me when people don't understand that 'give' and 'lend' mean different things! 'Lend' is having the item in their possession temporarily and it is to be returned. So I would hate it if something wasnt returned to me and I would be extremely pissed off about a cavalier attitude towards it.

But OP probably didn't borrow this book - if the friend can't remember the details around how she thinks it came to be in OPs possession, then she can't be sure that her own memory is more reliable than OPs.
To keep the peace I'd buy her a copy but make clear that is to cover a 'just in case I have forgotten' scenario and not an admission of guilt.
Either way, I think this would rankle with me now.
This is why I don't borrow or lend things to people.

I hate it when it happens (I’ve lent books and not got them back and I’ve been accused too!) and when friends pull stuff like this. They have written a narrative and treated you like a child.

I would take the high road and buy her a brand new copy and say ‘I don’t remember borrowing it, never mind borrowing it and not returning it - but here is a brand new one. However I do return things when borrowed and I also talk to my friends if something bothers me. I listen to them but I expect you to give me the same courtesy.’

This is why it’s not impossible I borrowed it and don’t remember. I used to be fond of a drink but I’ve not had a drink in nearly 9 years. The only thing that makes me question it is that it just doesn’t look like a book I’d want to read (sober or not) and I don’t recognise it at all and don’t recall ever seeing it around my house.

How is OP meant to get a different cover when she didn’t borrow the book and doesn’t know what cover it had?

Don’t buy her another copy, why should you have to?

Personally I never borrow books from people because a) I might not read them for ages and b) I once had someone be really weird about a book, they repeatedly said I could keep it then suddenly wanted it back and went a bit loopy about it, even called my parents (I was at uni) saying I hadn’t given their book back. We’re not friends any more!

I think someone is more likely to remember who they lent something to that they never got back, than the borrower who forgot to give it back.

Maybe your friend insisted on lending it to you as they thought you’d enjoy it, you looked at it and didn’t think it was something you’d usually read but took it out of politeness fully intending to read at some point. You put it down somewhere, then ended up forgetting about it. You never read it, hence having no memory of it.

I have been stung by friends not returning lent stuff. One set of friends we lent a tv series boxset of DVD’s and 2 camp beds when they had some friends coming to stay and they didn’t have a bed for them. It was my husband that lent them the dvd set (it was mine of one of my favourite series) and I was cross with him because they’d never given back the camp beds and when we reminded them they said they didn’t have them so must have given them back already. So I asked about the DVD’s… they said they didn’t have them and asked if maybe we’d lent it to someone else after them. I ended up buying a replacement set. I would cat sit for them and one time I spotted the set on their shelf so I mentioned it again - they said it was their copy. Years later, they came to ours for a party and had the dvd boxset on hand… said they’d found it and thought it was ours. A couple of years after that, I spotted them selling a pair of camp beds on FB marketplace. I couldn’t be 100% certain, but was fairly sure they were the ones we had lent them that they were adamant they’d given back at the time.

A few days before the WFH announcement during Covid, I did a mental health first aider course at work. I got some books with it and one was a guide for line managers - I wasn’t a line manager, but it would be useful if I needed to provide guidance to a LM. My own LM at the time was interested in the course etc and when she saw the book asked me if she could borrow it. No problem. Then of course the WFH order came in and it obviously went on for longer than people were expecting. I must admit I forgot about the book at the time because work was crazily busy and I was working 60-80 hour weeks. My LM left the business around a year later. A meet up was arranged with her and a few who could make it from our team to see her and say goodbye. I couldn’t make it, so I text her and asked if she could give the book to one of the others as there were 2 of them that I was close with and would be seeing out of work. She replied to say she couldn’t find it…

I had an online group of mum friends from Babycentre who all had babies due around the same time. I had a USB stick with around 500 books on it for a kindle. We all exchanged addresses and everyone wanted to borrow it to copy the files for themselves, so we agreed I’d send to the first person, they’d send to the next and so on til everyone had had it and then return to me. It was working really well - 8 people had received it and copied the files and then the second to last person never received it (or possibly received it and lied I guess).

So in my experience, if you are someone who lends things to people, you often end up losing things because of CF’s in your life. And you do remember exactly who you lent what to and who kept it. The fact you say it’s a possibility she did lend it to you tells me you know you’re the sort that borrows stuff and doesn’t always remember to give it back. It might not be intentional, but if you know it happens, it’s far more likely your friend is remembering correctly.

Do you think there might be other things this friend lent you over the years that you haven’t given back and your friend is just fed up and has only mentioned the book as a single example? If you value the friendship, get her a copy of the book, give it to her and tell her you’re really sorry, you forgot you’d ever had it. And never borrow anything from her again (and don’t ask to borrow stuff).

Sorry that was so long! I have other examples too - I no longer lend to anyone.

This thread is seriously reminding me why I never offer to lend things to people if I want to see the things again!

I’d just buy it and have it sent to her address. Don’t make a big deal of it, just say you don’t remember borrowing that and you don’t have it but it will be with her in x days. And then leave the ball in her court because she’s being a child.

This is why, if I really want to share something good that I’ve read, I’d rather buy a new book as a random present for the person than lend my own. I don’t mind occasionally giving books away - fiction usually - but I cannot bear to ‘lend’ them as the odds of getting them back are so slim.

Some people, me included, are a bit weird about books. I’m not like this about anything else I own. My mother was much worse. Friends were forever secretly damned for the books they’d borrowed (from her massive library of mostly unread books) and not returned but she would never dream of asking.

OP I know a bit about the book market. The only copies of this that are currently available on Amazon are the Kindle edition and an edition in Middle English. On Abebooks there aren’t many in English (lots in German) and most of them are outside UK hence heavy postage charges.
be quick if you want an English language one in the UK.

I don’t like being accused of things I didn’t do (who does, I know) especially when someone waits years to accuse me. I can also be petty at times. I would definitely buy her a copy of the book but tell her it’s being offered without prejudice in that you don’t believe you borrowed the book but want to draw a line under it.

I might even check when the book was published. Less than ten years ago, I would still buy her the book but really lay it on thick about how wrong she had been.

Tbh I’d have shut it down at the time and said “ well even if it is true you clearly weren’t that bothered at tge time or you would have asked for it back. Maybe you need to let this go”

Annoying and attention seeking after all these years? Yes!

BUT, for the sake of the friendship and putting the subject behind you, I think I would buy her a copy of the book, lay it on thick and tell her how bad you feel that you've got no memory of borrowing it, but it's obviously something that was important to her so please accept this new copy.

Or just give her a book token so she can either re-buy it herself, or choose something new.

Replace the book and unless it was a special book no need for her to be precious?
I read books now I would never have read yesrs ago so who knows.

I had similar happen to me , sil called demanding I give her back her box set of dvds , j had returned them months ago I didn't want to borrow them in the first place , she insisted. She called a couple more times adamant that i have them. She then got my brother to text me to ask for them . I told him I absolutely don't have them and they should try looking for them in their own house. I didn't get an apology either. Same sil borrowed dvds from me and gave them to other people .

One of you is misremembering about this, but is it worth losing a 30 yr friendship over?

This is a question for the friend isn't it? She's the one who has brought it up twice.

I wouldn't buy her a book @Pettyargument , I would just firmly say that she must have lent it to someone else because she never gave it to you. Hopefully she values your friendship of 30 years more than a book.

Perhaps she did lend you it but it was one of those recommendations someone makes and at the time you thought, that is not my sort of thing so I’m not reading it and forgot. Really weird she still recalls this a decade on and is demanding it back. It’s presumably pretty cheap to replace and she’s never made a point of asking before so can’t care too much!

Yes, it's so annoying when people foist books on you that they loved, then they keep asking if you've read it yet (no, because I'm not interested, so I'm not wasting my precious time that I could spend reading a book I am interested in). Having borrowed it, it then seems really awkward to give it back when you haven't read it (with you, unlike them, knowing that day will never come)... so it can easily end up on your shelf indefinitely.

I never understand adults who can't comprehend that not everybody will share their interests. If it's a 3yo insisting that you tell them which is your favourite dinosaur and being prepared to justify your preference in detail... that's a bit more understandable!!

Since it was important to her and not to you that could explain the discrepancy in memories. We tend to remember things that are important to us and forget things that aren't. Perhaps she wanted you to read it and you politely accepted but never actually read it. Alternatively it's possible she lent it to someone else. I never throw books away so if someone lent me a book it would be on my bookshelves somewhere and I could be fairly certain it was never lent to me if it wasn't on my bookshelves. I agree that she should have raised it before now because it's very hard for you to repair things so long after the event, but it clearly has a meaning for her that goes well beyond the book itself. Maybe buy her a copy for her next birthday?

When I first read your OP I thought your friend was being ridiculous!! But then I remembered, I lent a book that had been recommended on here, and remembered that I too had been peeved my friend hadn’t remembered me lending it to her!

However I didn’t say anything as thought maybe I’d lent it to another friend, although I know it didn’t, as I remember the reason I lent it to her.

I actually checked to see when it was published and it was 2014, so I lent it to her at least 10 years ago!! But would I ever mention it to her again? Of course not. However as a PP mentioned maybe she is having such a stressful time at the moment and she is angry with life, she may have mentioned it because it’s just another thing to be angry about.

The book was “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” an absolute game changer and bought another one as I found it so useful, especially when my kids hit their teens.

One of many recommendations I’ve used from on here including the robot hoover :)

But why doesn't it work the other way around too? Is the friendship priceless to OP, but only worth a tenner or so to the friend?

It is annoying when people lend you things you didn’t ask for eg they rave on about a book, you politely feign interest, and next thing you know, they’ve lent it to you and you haven’t been quick or rude enough to say no thank you and it lives next to your bed for months, or else you have to interfere with your own plans as to what you want to read next grrr.

I’d get her a used copy, wrap it up and give it to her, with some chocolate or biscuits or something she likes. You’re good friends, for some reason she feels your friendship has a rupture, fix it and become good friends again

Buy a brand new copy, not second hand. Let her know that you don't believe you had borrowed it but the £12.99 isnt worth losing her friendship over. Then step away