AIBU to think my friend is being weird about a book she says I borrowed

[Pettyargument]

A few weeks ago I caught up with my friend ‘Ruth’ we’ve known each other for more than 30 years. We were talking about books and she said I’ll never lend you a book again as years ago you borrowed a book from me and you never gave it back (as in more than 10 years ago). She said she couldn’t remember the name of the book but it still annoyed her and she’s never forgotten about it. Obviously as she couldn’t remember the name of the book I had no recollection of this but it could well have been possible so I said if it is true then I’m sorry. She just said well it’s definitely true.

So today she messages me and says she’s remembers the name of the book and if I have it can I give it back. It doesn’t look remotely familiar or like the kind of book I’d want to read. I replied and said sorry it doesn’t look at all familiar and I’ve definitely never read it. She’s just replied and said well you definitely took it but oh well. I’ve not relied because what is there to say to that?

I know it’s not a major in the scheme of things and as my name says it’s a petty argument but

Am I not being unreasonable to think it’s just a bit weird and overly intense for a book potentially borrowed years and years ago?

or

I am being unreasonable and it’s understandable she’s annoyed and I should maybe apologise properly or even offer to replace the book. I mean as I said to her initially it’s not outside of the realms of possibility that I borrowed a book and didn’t give it back.

Id just replace the book. Buy it on Amazon. Its clearly upset your friend. It's not something I'd bring up but it means something to her.

I would buy a second hand one on eBay and post it to her

Perhaps she wanted you to read it and you politely accepted but never actually read it.

But why do people do this? It's not like a favourite song that they want you to take 3 or 4 minutes to have a listen to; reading a book takes hours and hours of your active time - and invariably far longer than it would have done if you don't actually enjoy it.

I'd be polite about it, but I'm now at the age where I'm realising that I'll only have so much time left to read and watch a limited amount of books and videos. 'Some day' has realistically become 'never'. There are literally millions of books available out there; and something like about 12,000 lifetimes' worth of content on YouTube alone (increasing by at least another lifetime's worth every single day)... why would I want to waste maybe days of my precious spare time on reading something 'for pleasure' that somebody else has decided that I should?

The most likely explanation is that she lent it to a different friend and the passage of time has blurred her memory.

Unless it's hugely expensive, I'd buy a copy - good condition second hand would be fine - and give it to her, saying 'I honestly don't remember borrowing this and it's not something that would ever have been my kind of book, but as I can't be 100% sure and I know it's bothering you, here is a replacement.'

I've lent stuff before and never got it back - still mildly annoyed about two video tapes I lent to friends in the 90s and never got back - long since lost contact with them and only have a DVD player now. Sometimes you just have to write these things off. It's odd that your friend is making such a thing of it, really, but it sounds like she's suddenly got a 'bee in her bonnet' that won't stop buzzing and you're feeling the brunt of it.

If she's a good friend in other ways, be the bigger person.

Before you gave the title, OP, I was wondering if you might both be very young adults; and we were going to find out that the book she reckoned you borrowed from her 10 years ago, which she was still salty about, was something like a Tracy Beaker novel

Is the reason you are annoyed with her because this is out of character for her, or because it is an escalation of an existing behaviour towards you?

Does she have to be the superior one usually, or do you have a genuinely equal relationship?

That book is quite hard to find in English. They still read it as a "classic" in Germany. But those copies are in German.
Maybe she feels a need to reread it after all these years and the difficulty for her in obtaining it is allowing irritation to surface. Or perhaps, using imagination here, she needs to make some money and would have sold the book as it now turns out to be a valuable edition.
🤷
I'm not sure buying her one, as per pp, would be easy. And the wrong edition might disappoint. Perhaps try to enquire what you could do to ease her mind? Find out why this book in particular is bugging her.

This may be why the friend is asking about it.

Maybe she wanted to reread it, remembered she had lent it out and then went to search for a new copy and to find it's not readily available.

Asking the person she thinks she lent it to is then the obvious route to take.

Yeah your friend is being weird. Could be that she is stressing over small stuff to avoid focusing on bigger stresses, as someone suggested, but it's still weird.

I am not sure if buying her a copy is a good idea. I have a feeling it might cement in her head your 'wrongdoing'. So if you do buy her the book I would be very explicit that you don't think you borrowed it, but given how sure she is that you did borrow it, you thought it was right thing to do to replace it.

How is your friendship otherwise?

I know it seems petty but for some of us, our books are very precious. I don’t lend books at all now, to anyone, as my favourite books never came back.

Don't buy her a copy.

If you never borrowed it then why should you replace it? She's being rude and ridiculous.

Wow this would really piss me off as she probably actually lent it to someone else.

People who borrow things and don’t return them - why don’t you give them back?

If she had asked at the time it could have saved all this

as it stands memory is so fallible that either lone of them could be correct. It’s quite possible the book was lent to someone else

@Pettyargument id get a copy of the book for her . I’d read it first to see if it jogged my memory .

I think what happens with books particularly is that either the borrower didn't really want to read the book in the first place, or they start reading it and can't get into it, and it feels a bit awkward because the friend had recommended it with enthusiasm.

The book gets put aside with the intention to read it 'some time', and then it's half-forgotten and before you know it, so much time has passed that it feels even more awkward to return it unread.

Or, it might be that the book gets lost or damaged, and rather than confess, the borrower hopes it will be forgotten.

All things that could be resolved with honest communication, but, particularly if you're young, that's a lesson you might not have learned!

Yes, this. If you insist that you never borrowed but and then give her a copy, that will 'prove' that you were actually supposedly lying and make you look both dishonest and stupid. On the other hand, if you buy one for a birthday present or similar, she will be offended and insulted that she's 'lost out' on an actual present and just been given back something that was already hers.

Unless she's phenomenally hard up, it's not like she couldn't ever afford to buy a book herself - assuming it's still available; but if it isn't available to her, then neither will it be to you anyway.

It is possible another friend borrowed it and never gave it back.

Yes, all of this. Plus there's the factor that, to them, it's an amazing book that really cheered up a part of their life and lodged itself in their mind as a good memory.

To you, it's pointless clutter, so before long, you don't remember in the slightest where it came from or why - maybe it was another Christmas present from your distant aunt who feels she has to buy something for you, but doesn't really know you very well - you just see it as something you don't want, so it's an instant addition to the charity shop bag.

OP needs to be honest that it's another copy she's purchased and stick to her position that she has no memory of borrowing it, doesn't think it's a book she would have wanted to borrow, but she wants to resolve the situation for her friend.

In any event, after so much time has passed, it's very likely that any copy the OP might buy would be a different edition and since the OP doesn't know which edition it was, pretending it's the borrowed copy is a non-starter.

As for birthday/Christmas present - if the OP can get hold of a copy in the UK, avoiding the £30 shipping for Australian copies (😮) it's not so expensive that it would have to take the place of a present, even assuming the OP and 'Ruth' normally exchange birthday or Christmas presents, which they might not.

So true, it is annoying and we’ve probably all got a similar story, but would we bring it up years later?

Probably because it's been niggling her. Im guessing, like me, she didnt want to mention it initially but then time passes. However you were having a conversation about books so it just came out.

Honestly, as others have suggested, I would go on to Amazon market place Awesome books or world of books for a second hand copy and 'return' it It maybe a hard pill to swallow but for the sake of not having something hanging over the friendship I'd do it.

If she did ask at the time yes it could have been avoided however if you take something from someone as a temporary lend then it is your responsibility to make sure you return it. The owner shouldn’t have to ask for it you should just return it

I can’t be certain that I didn’t borrow it, I certainly used to be a more chaotic person before I stopped drinking. I guess it’s that uncertainty that makes me just want to replace it and move on. I guess it’s the way she’s gone about it that is a bit upsetting like there seems to be an animosity almost. We both have a lot going on in our lives and I would’ve said we’ve both tried to support each other through a lot so this is disappointing I guess.

Given Ops take on this it sounds like it’s likely she wasn’t interested in the book and borrowed it anyway because her friend may of suggested it. Even in that case it’s still on the person that borrows the book to return it. I agree with you an honest conversation could of prevented this

Sometimes if you have a lot of important, difficult things going on in your life that you can't easily influence, you cope by displacing the worry onto something much smaller over which you do have control.

You can't fix your health, your marriage, your job, your loved-one's illness or whatever it is that keeps you awake at night, so instead you start thinking obsessively about something much smaller that you can fix.

That might be what Ruth is doing.