AIBU to think my friend is being weird about a book she says I borrowed

[Pettyargument]

A few weeks ago I caught up with my friend ‘Ruth’ we’ve known each other for more than 30 years. We were talking about books and she said I’ll never lend you a book again as years ago you borrowed a book from me and you never gave it back (as in more than 10 years ago). She said she couldn’t remember the name of the book but it still annoyed her and she’s never forgotten about it. Obviously as she couldn’t remember the name of the book I had no recollection of this but it could well have been possible so I said if it is true then I’m sorry. She just said well it’s definitely true.

So today she messages me and says she’s remembers the name of the book and if I have it can I give it back. It doesn’t look remotely familiar or like the kind of book I’d want to read. I replied and said sorry it doesn’t look at all familiar and I’ve definitely never read it. She’s just replied and said well you definitely took it but oh well. I’ve not relied because what is there to say to that?

I know it’s not a major in the scheme of things and as my name says it’s a petty argument but

Am I not being unreasonable to think it’s just a bit weird and overly intense for a book potentially borrowed years and years ago?

or

I am being unreasonable and it’s understandable she’s annoyed and I should maybe apologise properly or even offer to replace the book. I mean as I said to her initially it’s not outside of the realms of possibility that I borrowed a book and didn’t give it back.

I’d be annoyed at this too OP, and it’d really make me see her differently - it’s weird to bring something up 10 years later and go on about it again when you’ve told her you don’t believe you did borrow it and you’ve never read it. Chances are she can’t remember who did borrow it.

how good a friend is she? If she’s going through a tough time and this odd issue is clouding her judgment a bit I might see if I could find one and buy it for her, but otherwise I wouldn’t. Why didn’t she ask for it back 10 years ago when everybody could have remembered accurately what happened and who borrowed it?! So, so weird.

I know that people have lent me books when I didn’t ask for them! Then I forget because in the great scheme of things I wasn’t interested, didn’t want the book but was too polite to say so at the time.

Sure I have friends out there quietly seething because of this…

This it’s more about the rudeness than caring about the cost.

my cleaner once asked to borrow some dvd’s to do a film night with her daughters and it would have seemed mean and petty to say no. Gave her a few weeks to return them without saying anything but then had to ask/remind for several weeks before she brought them back. Went from doing something nice which I didn’t mind doing at the time to creating an awkward situation where i felt back for chasing her and bringing it up. I resent being put in that position.

I think I will buy a copy and get it sent to her address (as a pp recommended as I don’t want her to think I had it all along). I definitely don’t have it as I’ve moved recently and have been through all my books.

It’s a funny one really because if she thinks this is true she is likely miffed because it’s the principal of not returning it that’s upset her. I lent a friend my beautiful Japanese style baby carrier and she never returned it to me or ever bloody mentioned it. She moved to Portugal. It makes me sad, I would have kept that to pass on to my children.

Your friend sounds very principled. I’ve just remembered, I lent my old uni friend some boots and when I asked her for them back she had given them to her mum to sell at a car boot sale! Shocking. Note to self, I must remind her of this.

However, this is just a book and you genuinely don’t remember reading it or feeling like you would ever want to so you’re probably feeling wrongly accused.

My answer to this is to get her it as a Christmas present this year. That way, you’re not replacing something you have borrowed, you are gifting her something she wants. In fact, buy two, one to open and one to twat her round the head with! 😉

Ahh you brought up memories of a book and board games I borrowed someone 😅 was my exs best mates gf and they split in covid. I remember my ex saying I’m not asking if she left it after they’ve broke up after 8 years. Never to be see again. He then sold up his house and stuff with his now wife imagine they got sold at some car boot 😂

Buy her a copy of the book and then laugh and say “when the real culprit returns the original, I will have that one back!”
if it’s not a book you would read it’s unlikely you borrowed it, but she has decided you have and is hooked on this.

The reality is she probably doesn’t actually want the book though and if you buy a new one it likely won’t get read so just a waste of money. Before buying a new one I would check if she wants that or say I don’t remember but sorry, do you want me to replace it with a different book.

I generally avoid borrowing things off people in case I forget to return, or it gets damaged, or something. Stresses me out!

I also only lend things I don’t mind not getting back as people are really unreliable!

Sounds like she has hyper-fixated on this (non) issue as she is rather stressed/unhappy. That's getting channelled into this issue instead of tackling her other issues.

I'd be a supportive friend without backing down i.e. stick to your guns about genuinely not remembering the book, but offer to buy a replacement if you can afford. So not really YABU or YANBU in conclusion!

Buy a brand new copy of the book and an old second hand copy. Go to her house and apologise and give her the brand new copy. Explain the you genuinely never thought you borrowed it but you wanted to make amends anyway. On the same day secretly place the old copy on her bookshelf.

When it's time to leave ask about borrowing another book, when you are both standing in from of her bookshelf "find" the second copy of the book and claim she had it all along and this proves you never borrowed it.

‘Never a lender nor a borrower be’!

Seriously though, I have discovered people have very different value systems on this - which is why it touches a nerve.

I am in camp - ‘if I’ve lent it to you , I have actually given it to you’ but some people have strong attachments to things.

Yes she's being weird, but if you compare the price of a book against the value of a dear friendship, it makes sense to replace the book OP.

My friend borrowed a book from me about 18 years ago, she lost it and so never gave it back. It clearly was no big deal to her as I remember she was quite cavalier at the time. I remember thinking she just doesn’t get it, I love that book. I wouldn’t like to lend her a book again and would probably give it to her instead and buy a new copy for myself. You probably don’t remember because it was no big deal for you. Just replace it and then there’s no hard feelings

I might if it was a good friend - more as a joke than anything else, but then again, back in the day, I spent a huge chunk of my miniscule wages on it, so to me, it meant a lot to own it and I was gutted that it never got returned. Perhaps your friend feels the same way?

I’ve lent loads of things out in the past- and never seen them again. I’m still pissed off I never got my lion king dvd back. It was an expensive back then, and had sentimental value.
Some people are just ridiculously forgetful and others keep stuff deliberately I think.

I really need to know, what was the book?

I recall lending a book to my Aunty it was a book I loved so much and for years (decades) I thought she never gave it back. I did a massive loft clearout and guess what it was there… she did give it back and I’ve been feeling sad about it for years I don’t know why it stuck with me .. I think it’s because I really loved the book.

When I was a student in the 1970s my older brother, who I rarely saw, asked to borrow the James Taylor Sweet Baby James LP I had recently bought. I was fanatical about music and loved my LP's in those days so lent it to him but very reluctantly. Of course I never saw it again. I asked him about it a couple of times via my mother because we lived in different parts of the country and didn't communicate directly. About 30 years or more afterwards on another rare meet up he actually volunterily mentioned he still had the LP and asked if I wanted it back but by then I had bought a new copy.

I will say it really rankled with me all those years and i still remember it vividly. But our family was very dysfunctional and this was one of the very minor resentments in a catalogue of major ones.

I understand your friend fretting about her book OP. I think if her friendship is important to you then buying her a copy would be a nice gesture.

To be honest I’d buy a copy and send it to her, saying I didn’t think I’d borrowed it, didn’t have it but in case I was wrong wanted to make it up to her.

Well you know what to get for her birthday now!

I’d don’t see why you have to take her word for it that you borrowed it, and find a replacement - why doesn’t she have to take your word for it that you didn’t borrow it? If you’ve no memory of the book at all and it doesn’t look like something you’d be interested in, it doesn’t sound like you borrowed it.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she lent it to someone else, and has got mixed up.

I wouldn’t buy a second hand copy, she wouldn’t believe it wasn’t hers.

Is she (or you?) fond of a drink or two? That may have clouded the details.

Personally, borrowing things puts me at a mental disadvantage and I rush to get whatever it is back to the owner ASAP.
If you’re the same, OP, then trust your own version of the facts BUT get a second hand copy (with a different cover if you want to make a point!) to put her out of her misery. She’s been brooding on this for years.

I didn’t want to write the whole book title in case this thread then came up in a search but it’s called (a city in Australia starting with S) Bridge Up side Down. I’ve never heard of it.