AIBU to think my friend is being weird about a book she says I borrowed

[Pettyargument]

A few weeks ago I caught up with my friend ‘Ruth’ we’ve known each other for more than 30 years. We were talking about books and she said I’ll never lend you a book again as years ago you borrowed a book from me and you never gave it back (as in more than 10 years ago). She said she couldn’t remember the name of the book but it still annoyed her and she’s never forgotten about it. Obviously as she couldn’t remember the name of the book I had no recollection of this but it could well have been possible so I said if it is true then I’m sorry. She just said well it’s definitely true.

So today she messages me and says she’s remembers the name of the book and if I have it can I give it back. It doesn’t look remotely familiar or like the kind of book I’d want to read. I replied and said sorry it doesn’t look at all familiar and I’ve definitely never read it. She’s just replied and said well you definitely took it but oh well. I’ve not relied because what is there to say to that?

I know it’s not a major in the scheme of things and as my name says it’s a petty argument but

Am I not being unreasonable to think it’s just a bit weird and overly intense for a book potentially borrowed years and years ago?

or

I am being unreasonable and it’s understandable she’s annoyed and I should maybe apologise properly or even offer to replace the book. I mean as I said to her initially it’s not outside of the realms of possibility that I borrowed a book and didn’t give it back.

I would suspect that Ruth is trying to control those small things she feels she has control over, if her life is stressful, and so this little event has taken on massive proportions to her.

I'd just buy her a new copy of the book, apologise but explain that you have no recollection of ever borrowing it but here is a replacement anyway. She'll probably still have the hump slightly but you will have shown willing and this might help.

And talk to her about the stress she's under. It sounds like a bigger deal that non returned books.

I never lend books , ever or anything really
Thats what libraries are for

I stopped lending books years ago as they would not be returned or they would come back damaged but I really couldn’t be bothered risking a friendship to call anyone out. If asked I just say “sorry, I’m a bit anal about my books so I don’t lend them to anyone”. I would be annoyed to be wrongly accused of having it but up to you what you do about it.

I like your idea of replacing it regardless of whether you borrowed it. And you’re also right in that we all have stories like that. I recall a friend borrowing a skirt from me thirty years ago. She was a couple of dress sizes bigger than me and it wasn’t going to fit her. She had narrow hips so it would have been able to be pulled up but not zipped up. I remember going round to her house afterwards and it was just laying on her bedroom floor. She clearly hadn’t worn it but she also hadn’t taken care of it which really bothered me. I also have a music book borrowed from a music teacher that I never gave back. It still bothers me that I have it. I don’t need it but I can’t get rid of it because it’s not mine. Sometimes we complicate things and make life difficult for ourselves. Send her the book with a note of apology and hopefully she’ll relax.

I think in the circumstances I’d buy a copy and give it to her, saying that I hope it feels better to have expressed this, please in future let me know if you feel I’ve done anything to upset you etc. And see it as a way to help alleviate a bit of suffering of a friend. It’s daft how she’s held onto this and approached it, especially if it wasn’t even you! But if you care for her, you can help release her from that.

My friend borrowed a book from me years ago. I’ve never seen it again but kind of knew I wouldn’t. People very rarely return books. I do but I never expect them back from others.

I wouldn't buy her a copy of the book, she is probably wrong that you borrowed it.

I would message her and say I genuinely don’t think I borrowed your book, I have had a look and it’s definitely not here and I have no recollection of reading it. It looks difficult to find the online, do you want me to track one down or is there another new book you would like as a gift. Definitely get it shipped directly to her.

My dad always taught me never to lend anything that you aren’t in a position to lend it and will feel ok if you never see it again. Money, items, clothes etc. it’s been very valuable advice. Funnily enough I lent my best friend a Steven king book years ago and I never saw it again, I just rebought it again when I wanted to reread it and never mentioned it because she probably forgot and I just classed it as a little gift to her x

Just go to World of Books and buy her a copy - if you like, when you hand it over saying you could say that if you borrowed it, it must have been at her insistence since it is not a book you would have been interested in reading.

If she uses WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger or similar, perhaps suggest that she look through those for clues and evidence. You could do the same.

But how can you know in this case that she was correct and OP was mistaken - and not the other way around?

I would get a copy of the book and give it her.
Explain what you've done and that you don't recall reading the book, but that you've spotted it and bought it as possibly she leant it to someone else and you don't like the thought of her missing the book.

Has she got like this over anything else?

Neither of you are being unreasonable but, tbh, I hate it when books are not returned.

The whole lending/giving issue is a grey area - unless someone is explicit, it’s hard to know what’s expected.

Happens a lot when you’ve got kids. I remember lending a baby Bumbo seat to a friend for her little one on the understanding that she would return it when done - or so I thought. Months later, I saw a Facebook post of her having a clear out & successfully selling all her no longer used baby stuff at a car boot - including my Bumbo seat! She only got a fiver for it (cost way more!) but it made me FURIOUS!

I couldn’t be 100% sure that she’d understood my expectation that she’d return it so I never did challenge her on it - something I regret - purely out of principle - not the actual money.

We weren’t particularly close friends (work colleagues who would no longer be working together) so our paths stopped crossing & I let the friendship go.

It’s utterly ridiculous but it still pisses me off when I think about it!!

I’ve borrowed various things over the years & am always very very clear about the expectation - it’s just good manners! A good friend lent me a few maternity pieces of clothing that she was never going to need again but I still returned them to her, even though she said she had no need for them. It’s then her choice to sell them or pass them along etc. I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing anything different.

Out of sight often means out of mind, especially if you have a lot of books. A book on your shelf becomes a book not on your shelf and you stop thinking about it, possibly for years.

It seems to me like she had a problem with you to begin with and the book is just something to start a row over and she scraped the bottom of the barrel

It does seem very ott.
I would buy the book and give it to her. Explain that you don’t remember borrowing it, and that you have bought her this copy.
Then don’t borrow anything from her again.

OP you admit that at the time your life was chaotic and you were drinking.
Did Ruth support you through this? It seems silly to throw away a friendship, but maybe there are other issues at play here?

I think it's fair to be annoyed about lending things that aren't returned. But it's really weird to suddenly bring up an item from years ago and be so annoyed about it. It sounds like you may well not have borrowed it (or maybe she has mixed up memories after so much time) but i agree replacing the book will close it down and perhaps make her think again about how ridiculous she is being.

I have a friend who never returns stuff she borrows. I've had a few books disappear that way even when I've been very clear about using the word "lend". I now only "pass on" books I don't want back. I did lend her some of my sons clothes after her son tipped water on himself at my house. It took weeks to have them returned (and then unwashed!) She actually got a bit pissy about me "nagging".

Some people just don't care about other people's possessions. My Mum borrows stuff from people and doesn't return it because she can't remember who lent it to her! I also had a friend who begged me to lend an item of clothing for a show she was in. It had been a Christmas gift and I'd only worn it once. When I asked for it back she said it was so trashed after all the performances she'd just binned it and laughed.

I get that is nice to not be too uptight and materialistic but being so careless with other people's things is disrespectful.

Sorry, gone off on a rant!

My best friend loaned her tent to a friend of her sister's many years ago, as they were going to a festival. The tent was just left there as, apparently, "It was so muddy and it got completely trashed - you wouldn't have wanted it back".

There wasn't the remotest notion of buying another equivalent great-condition (not even necessarily brand new) tent to replace the great-condition tent that they had borrowed, they had used and they had allowed to/observed get trashed. She had looked after it very well indeed and it was like new when they'd taken it, so it's not even like it was held together with sellotape and ready for its last hurrah.

See if you can find another friend who has a copy and ask to borrow it, then give that copy 'back' to Ruth. Then, when the other friend asks for it back, say you're not 100% where it was, but you remember talking to Ruth about it, and her expressing great interest in it, and you distinctly recall seeing a copy on Ruth's bookcase the other day...

It's not weird that shes annoyed by it in my opinion but if you don't recall borrowing it then she'll have to get over it.

I lent someone a book when I was 16/17 (20ish years ago) and they never gave it back. It gets embarrassing after asking a few times. I bought myself a new copy and never lent anything out after that. I think about it occasionally but not enought to ever bring it up if I saw this person. This year a colleague asked to borrow a book they saw me reading at lunch, I decided to give the benefit of the doubt and lent it out. They messaged when they had finished the book a couple weeks later, but it took about 3 months to get it back.

I don't think lending is for me, so will only give something I don't want back in the future.

Here’s a copy in the UK with free shipping

https://www.abebooks.co.uk/Sydney-Bridge-Upside-Down-Paperback-David/31294192473/bd.

So you just say it wasn't your thing?

These people who insist you borrow/read/discuss-are they really friends?

OP, you are surprised and disappointed about the way she has gone about this. Is this out of character for her?