Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

[Disappointee]

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

Why are you with this man ? What are you getting out of any of this …

The problem isn’t your dsc’s bedtime routine it’s your partner not wanting intimacy with you. He doesn’t want to spend any time alone with you and that’s why he gets so defensive when you bring the subject up, he’s using his child and work as an excuse to avoid you. He doesn’t want a child with you or a relationship but he’s either too cowardly to say it or he’s using you to help pay the bills and clean up.
The relationship has ran its course, you deserve to be with someone who loves and values you.

What is this relationship giving you? You’re a nanny with a fanny to an ex who left you and got another woman pregnant.

Surely you must know how much better you could do?
Does your DP actually want any more kids? He’s already paying for one.

I understand you love him but I wish you could see how much better if you’d be without him.

That’s actually a very good point. He sees you for what you bring to the table but doesn’t desire you like that. You’re a useful idiot to him.

Surely you go out together though. We do swaps with friends, sleepovers, babysitters. Also go out on our own. Would go insane otherwise.

Speaking plainly and based on the information you have shared, it sounds to me like you risk putting your own needs and desires at the bottom of the pile for a long time. And possibly not having your own children. You speak of this in terms of choice and the life you have chosen, but know that you can make a different choice if this is no longer working for you.

It sounds quite lonely. He won’t even close a bedroom door so that the two of you can be alone for a couple of hours!

Agreed! @waterrat can your kids not open bedroom doors?!
My children have always slept with doors shut from a very young age....if they want me (then or even now) they get up and open their door and then open mine 🤷‍♀️ i also hear their door opening 9 times out of 10.
It really is so much safer for fire regs!

I'd be pissed off if my DH waltzed off for an hour with unfed DC and during what should be getting ready for bed time, returning with a hungry child who isn't ready for bed.

There are billions of threads on her from step mums who are struggling, especially with either or both of you struggling with treating SDC and DC the same - both in terms of parenting both children the same and how you feel about them. Plus the extra aspect of SDC mum and maternal family to factor in. You think it will be hard because it will. You have to decide if he /it's worth it. By your description you never see each other except when he makes sure is around for his child and if you didn't join them you wouldn't see him.

Her father shouldn't allow. this: back to sleep or quiet time in bedroom with no editing stimulation until an agreed sensible morning time like 7.

You are being completely and utterly taken advantage of.

Bite the bullet, break off with your not-much-of-a-partner-to-you “partner” - get through the breakup pain and then go out there and have an actual life. Not this less than 1% of crumbs of a life you’re getting at the moment.

It doesn’t sound like you and DP are well suited. You’ve both got different parenting styles with the complexity added that the child isn’t yours so you have less of a say. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me.

@Disappointee kindly, I think your partner just wants your help with his child/cooking/cleaning etc.
If he wanted to be intimate with you, in any way, he would make time.
2 children here, and hubby also works two jobs, is out some evenings til 9pm ish and works his day job too, but we prioritise each other as well as the children.....somehow we manage sex at least once a day if not more....so it really can be done if both of you want to keep that side alive...

Also, as a parent and teacher, routines and consistant bedtimes really are important, my 7 year old goes to bed at 7 she is super active does lots of clubs like dancing and gymnastics, so needs her sleep. Sleeps til 7 the next day. If ever she has a later night on the odd occasion she doesnt sleep in.

Shocked at an earlier post saying 5 year olds up til 9?! Ridiculous! My eldest is 12 her bedtime is 9 on weekends!!

My thoughts, too!

I have no idea how anyone could ever manage a 7 pm bedtime. I don't even get in the house until 6.30 pm at the earliest. Dinner, bath, story etc. takes at least 90 mins but usually 2 hours...

If your DP wanted to make time for you, he would.

He has plenty of opportunity to.

He could:

1. lessen the number of music lessons he takes
2. remember to organise babysitting
3. put his DC to bed at a reasonable time

He does none of those things BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO.

Spending quality time with you clearly isn’t important to him, so what does he get from your relationship? Do you improve his standard of living? Do you share the housework? Do you do childcare?

He's obviously with you for a reason, but that reason doesn’t seem to be him liking your company, so what do you think it is? And are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t seem to want intimacy or connection with you?

I think as you’re not seeing each other at all in the week, it is totally fair to put the child to bed at their usual time at the weekend! Its actually better for them to keep their routine going, you’re absolutely right in that.

And it is completely normal to SHUT THE DOOR for sex. Then you can open it after when going to sleep.

I can see how you feel a bit de-prioritised- is he a good partner otherwise? What are you getting from him?

Ideally, this doesn’t need to be a row but just a conversation- surely he can just put DC to bed at 7:30pm and everyone is happy? The fact he is arguing is worrying.

If the situation were reversed OP, do you really think your DP would be doing everything he expects you to do now? Would he have stayed to coparent another man’s child? Would he accept his whole life being curtailed and controlled to do so? I very much doubt it.

If you want an enjoyable life of your own, and children of your own, you should leave him. He’s not going to transform into a good partner. He is selfish and he does not care about your wants and needs, to the point he is angry when you express them.

This nails it. YWBU to get back together with him. The most sensible thing to do would be to walk away. His child comes before you – as they should – and that's never going to change, so you're always going to live with the fact that his irresponsible shagging around means you'll always come second best, and won't get to spend the time you want with him.

It also means that your first child together will be his second child, and the dynamic will be impacted by having his older child demanding his time and attention (again, as they should), along with other things, like his financial responsibilities.

I'd get out now before you waste any more time on him.

She was dating a childless man… only problem is he had a kid with someone else while they were dating…

Date nights are entirely normal for parents of a 5yo as is closing your bedroom door at night. I’d leave him if he didn’t agree to a babysitter monthly.

This OP. Im sorry but to most of us its obvious he just isnt that into you
Nanny with a fanny is that the phrase?
Hes using literally any reason to not spend quality time with you and has you agreeing to be so low down on his priority list. Kids should always come first obviously but youve broken up with him how many times and got back together even after he got someone else pregnant?

Missing the point here. Read it again. I think Op has been more than gracious and accommodating and is asking for very little.